After contractions went from BH to real and forced the removal of my cerclage on Monday, my twitchy uterus progressed into real labor instead of calming down. So my scheduled csection for yesterday was moved up to Monday night.
Our healthy baby boy arrived safe and sound only 12 days early, weighing in at just over 7 lbs., and is deemed full term. We are all home now trying to figure out things out. The boxes from baby stuff we've ordered over the last few months have finally been thrown away- the fear of needing to return them gone, the last sharps container left with the LandD nurse, and the chapters of the book beyond pregnancy stages are hurridly being read.
This UU will never understand why she has been allowed to be so lucky.
12.24.2011
12.06.2011
the anxious root
Thanks for your encouragement on my last post. I know it likely probably definitely came across kinda bratty. This one might too.
I think the root of the problem is somewhat about my mother but is really about my extreme anxiety over delivery (c-section or pushing...either freaks me out) and actually having our take home baby. I still can't imagine it as I stare at the crib each night. I'm terrified it will come home with us and terrified it won't. I never imagined getting and staying pregnant, let alone living in a tiny apartment without a nursery, in a city where we know not a soul. It frightens me that I have no experience with babies and no one to call for help with said baby. I've looked into a postpartum doula and a child caring class though should I get to that completely overwhelmed, huddling mass in the corner stage (or maybe right before that).
But I'm still incredibly anxious and terrified about it all. From the hospital door to the apartment door.
People keep talking about having a birth plan. Turns out, all my choices and decisions have been made for me with this c-section. That is really depowering/unempowering (whatever the opposite is of empowering) during such a private, vulnerable, scary time. The date isn't arguable (my doctor only works in the OR one a day a week and he won't do the week before). The hospital policies are set (baby goes to the warming table immediately after delivery then to the nursery for an hour or so. The OR is too cold (verified during cerclage placement) to differ from that plan.). The catheter (I really really don't want someone so closely staring and touching me there) is nonnegotiable and will be left in 24 hours because of the pain meds being administered.
So, I'm literally just along for the ride. And for a control freak who has already lost almost completely control over any aspect of this experience, that is frightening and overwhelming.
Not to mention that I just don't do surgery. I know that I can survive the epidural/spinal at least, so that's a bit comforting. I know that the medical team is good and caring (on the whole from what I've experience my four times visiting L&D).
But I don't do anticipation well. At all.
Instead of setting an end date, I would have rather just gone along until one day the doctor calls and says, today's the day, come on in. But, that's impossible, so I need to do the distraction thing again as was suggested in your lovely comments. I was doing that pretty well with knitting and kiddo related research until about a week or so ago. We have what we need for the kiddo and I can't focus my brain long enough to knit anymore (concerning, eh?). My mind just races in half complete thoughts like a jumble of words. Today though, I am trying to distract with baking.
And I know that at the end of the day, none of this will matter. So what if I'm unempowered, embarrassed and fumbling diapers with all our family gathered around telling me I'm doing it wrong and it's all about their needs...I'm not far gone to realize this is the best, most wanted problem of my life. Now if I could just calm my brain down until we get to that point.
I think the root of the problem is somewhat about my mother but is really about my extreme anxiety over delivery (c-section or pushing...either freaks me out) and actually having our take home baby. I still can't imagine it as I stare at the crib each night. I'm terrified it will come home with us and terrified it won't. I never imagined getting and staying pregnant, let alone living in a tiny apartment without a nursery, in a city where we know not a soul. It frightens me that I have no experience with babies and no one to call for help with said baby. I've looked into a postpartum doula and a child caring class though should I get to that completely overwhelmed, huddling mass in the corner stage (or maybe right before that).
But I'm still incredibly anxious and terrified about it all. From the hospital door to the apartment door.
People keep talking about having a birth plan. Turns out, all my choices and decisions have been made for me with this c-section. That is really depowering/unempowering (whatever the opposite is of empowering) during such a private, vulnerable, scary time. The date isn't arguable (my doctor only works in the OR one a day a week and he won't do the week before). The hospital policies are set (baby goes to the warming table immediately after delivery then to the nursery for an hour or so. The OR is too cold (verified during cerclage placement) to differ from that plan.). The catheter (I really really don't want someone so closely staring and touching me there) is nonnegotiable and will be left in 24 hours because of the pain meds being administered.
So, I'm literally just along for the ride. And for a control freak who has already lost almost completely control over any aspect of this experience, that is frightening and overwhelming.
Not to mention that I just don't do surgery. I know that I can survive the epidural/spinal at least, so that's a bit comforting. I know that the medical team is good and caring (on the whole from what I've experience my four times visiting L&D).
But I don't do anticipation well. At all.
Instead of setting an end date, I would have rather just gone along until one day the doctor calls and says, today's the day, come on in. But, that's impossible, so I need to do the distraction thing again as was suggested in your lovely comments. I was doing that pretty well with knitting and kiddo related research until about a week or so ago. We have what we need for the kiddo and I can't focus my brain long enough to knit anymore (concerning, eh?). My mind just races in half complete thoughts like a jumble of words. Today though, I am trying to distract with baking.
And I know that at the end of the day, none of this will matter. So what if I'm unempowered, embarrassed and fumbling diapers with all our family gathered around telling me I'm doing it wrong and it's all about their needs...I'm not far gone to realize this is the best, most wanted problem of my life. Now if I could just calm my brain down until we get to that point.
12.03.2011
still here...still pregnant
Yes, I'm still here and in fact, still pregnant. No micropreemie for us. Still might be a preemie, but at 36 weeks, the hope for a take home kiddo continues to slightly increase each week. (On a medical note--I'm not sure how long this 17P progesterone goodness has been around or been used for unicornuate uterus folks, but I credit my continuing-to-stretch-towards-full-term-UU-ability with it's magic-ness, along with a big healthy of shear miracle). I've written many posts in my head but am having great difficulty starting or finishing anything recently, and thus the silence.
Anyways, I continue to take things super easy around here. I rarely leave the apartment, which I'm sure is an indication of some sort of underlying problem, but the thought of going out to do much of anything is either not worth it or completely overwhelming. My anxiety continues to be at an all time high, completely exasperated by a situation I created myself (hey, if you want something done well, do it yourself right?). The slightly short story is--my doc has been saying all along that if I actually made it past Tgiving, he planned to welcome our kiddo to the world no later than mid-Dec (say, the 16th-ish-a day or so shy of 38w)). Well, last week, he now says that the 16th is a little sooner than he'd like and he'd rather push us towards 38w6d for the c-section (kiddo is now breech again and likely stuck that way given my half uterus is like half a first grader drawn heart--more room at the top for the head than at the bottom). Note, 38w6d is the day before I invited both sets of our parents to come to down to meet our "week old newborn" (other note: I'd rather it just be me and DH and kiddo...but he desperately misses his big family holidays and I felt like I was being a brat keeping people away, so given the immunity the kid is born with and will get thru BF and the holiday timing, I decided to try to share and play well with others with the caveat that you can come...but only for three days and only for short visits during the day that will end when nap or feeding time begins).
Anyways, needless to say, I am now freaking out because while having family around for the hospital time may be some people's dream...it's one of my top 5 birthing nightmares. I mean, I like privacy, especially during such a naked, vulnerable experience. But, travel reservations are very expensive to change and/or unchangeable. At least I'll have no quite 24 hours to begin to recover before they flood my room. Woo.
But even better (this is the only pro I have found so I keep repeating it to myself hourly)...I'll have hospital security to throw my mother out when she won't respect my requests to leave. Yay. (Yes, it will come to that...she is well meaning but ooozes self-centered-over-excitement. Example-at our wedding, DH and I wanted to see each other for the first time alone with only the photographer present. This of course was not accepted to my mother who believed she has a right to be present for such an intimate moment. It took our wedding coordinator leading her by the hand to outside the church and then throwing her body across the doors. Yeah, I'm serious. She thinks she's above the rules, puts her desires above other's needs and makes espresso nervous.).
Sigh. It will all work out and this is such a minor nuisance in the scheme of life. But it still has greatly increased my anxiety. Of course, for as much worrying energy as I've put into this topic, I'll likely go into labor before then and thus, not even have to worry about it! Other than sitting around and worrying about...everything...I try to get last minute things done. This week I hope to make some casseroles to freeze because we don't know anyone here so there will be no meals coming to our door (And no, my mom can't cook us some to occupy herself, because she can't cook. Great idea though!), as well as finish Christmas preparations (that no one will see but us...oh well).
Anyways, I continue to take things super easy around here. I rarely leave the apartment, which I'm sure is an indication of some sort of underlying problem, but the thought of going out to do much of anything is either not worth it or completely overwhelming. My anxiety continues to be at an all time high, completely exasperated by a situation I created myself (hey, if you want something done well, do it yourself right?). The slightly short story is--my doc has been saying all along that if I actually made it past Tgiving, he planned to welcome our kiddo to the world no later than mid-Dec (say, the 16th-ish-a day or so shy of 38w)). Well, last week, he now says that the 16th is a little sooner than he'd like and he'd rather push us towards 38w6d for the c-section (kiddo is now breech again and likely stuck that way given my half uterus is like half a first grader drawn heart--more room at the top for the head than at the bottom). Note, 38w6d is the day before I invited both sets of our parents to come to down to meet our "week old newborn" (other note: I'd rather it just be me and DH and kiddo...but he desperately misses his big family holidays and I felt like I was being a brat keeping people away, so given the immunity the kid is born with and will get thru BF and the holiday timing, I decided to try to share and play well with others with the caveat that you can come...but only for three days and only for short visits during the day that will end when nap or feeding time begins).
Anyways, needless to say, I am now freaking out because while having family around for the hospital time may be some people's dream...it's one of my top 5 birthing nightmares. I mean, I like privacy, especially during such a naked, vulnerable experience. But, travel reservations are very expensive to change and/or unchangeable. At least I'll have no quite 24 hours to begin to recover before they flood my room. Woo.
But even better (this is the only pro I have found so I keep repeating it to myself hourly)...I'll have hospital security to throw my mother out when she won't respect my requests to leave. Yay. (Yes, it will come to that...she is well meaning but ooozes self-centered-over-excitement. Example-at our wedding, DH and I wanted to see each other for the first time alone with only the photographer present. This of course was not accepted to my mother who believed she has a right to be present for such an intimate moment. It took our wedding coordinator leading her by the hand to outside the church and then throwing her body across the doors. Yeah, I'm serious. She thinks she's above the rules, puts her desires above other's needs and makes espresso nervous.).
Sigh. It will all work out and this is such a minor nuisance in the scheme of life. But it still has greatly increased my anxiety. Of course, for as much worrying energy as I've put into this topic, I'll likely go into labor before then and thus, not even have to worry about it! Other than sitting around and worrying about...everything...I try to get last minute things done. This week I hope to make some casseroles to freeze because we don't know anyone here so there will be no meals coming to our door (And no, my mom can't cook us some to occupy herself, because she can't cook. Great idea though!), as well as finish Christmas preparations (that no one will see but us...oh well).
11.03.2011
newest honor blanket ready for donation
I survived two weeks of company and now have the regular calmness and isolation back that I've come to enjoy. I thought I wouldn't have any time to knit while playing hostess, but my recent company was so stuck on her phone around the clock that she was could only carry on a conversation of a few half sentences that she never finished due to fb stealing her brain cells....so....I found my own happy place distraction and picked up my knitting.
My most recent project offered me the privilege of knitting a blanket for donation to Forever Warm in honor of CheekyBub, the far-too-quickly-gone daughter of St Elsewhere who blogs at My Lady of the Lantern. While she is pregnant again, I can only imagine the strength of fears and hopes she is currently experiencing daily while she anticipates her newest arrival while still always mourning the loss of sweet CheekyBub.
I feel so lucky that I had a very small hand in doing something in honor of her that will also help other parents going through a similar tragedy. This blanket, with a very special note, will be mailed this week to Forever Warm. If you'd like to request an honor blanket to be donated in recognition of your own gone-too-soon kiddo or not-here-yet kiddo, please see the post that is linked above or the left side bar for information on this project!
My most recent project offered me the privilege of knitting a blanket for donation to Forever Warm in honor of CheekyBub, the far-too-quickly-gone daughter of St Elsewhere who blogs at My Lady of the Lantern. While she is pregnant again, I can only imagine the strength of fears and hopes she is currently experiencing daily while she anticipates her newest arrival while still always mourning the loss of sweet CheekyBub.
(picture doesn't do the sky blue and carrot red colors justice)
I feel so lucky that I had a very small hand in doing something in honor of her that will also help other parents going through a similar tragedy. This blanket, with a very special note, will be mailed this week to Forever Warm. If you'd like to request an honor blanket to be donated in recognition of your own gone-too-soon kiddo or not-here-yet kiddo, please see the post that is linked above or the left side bar for information on this project!
10.22.2011
still cooking and the rising anxiety
30 weeks today...my UU, undoubtedly with the help of the the stretch-aiding 17P injections and prayers from all over, has held this kiddo safely (as far as I know) past the 24wk technical viability mark, past the 28wk more true viability mark and into the 30's. We have a growth scan in 10 days to check for IUGR, a common UU risk as they just flat run out of room in their half-a-home. I can't say I trust my body, but I am learning to trust my uterus far more than I will ever trust my failing ovaries! Freaking super UU in my little book.
We've started to allow baby items in the apartment out of supposed necessity of actually needing a few things on the hand when the kiddo might actually come home alive (I only said I was learning to trust...I'm not all the way there yet...thus all the maybe's and might's and hopefully's). I'm so totally grateful for my grandmother's enthusiasm to ensure we have all that we need. So, do I get all drooly, cooing, swooning excited when each item arrives and when I stare at it nightly in the corner of our room. No. No, I don't. Instead, each item makes me want to crawl in my hole of complete and utterly over the top anxiety and fear. Everything feels like it's far away (does that even makes sense?)--like we're still playing house, as I keep it all at arm's length from me, where I've kept it from years, and I have no idea how to cross that void to total cooing, swooning excitement. I'm pretty sure something is very wrong with me and I'm desperately afraid that I will feel nothing, as in a total lack of connection, when said kid enters the world. I mean, I love being pregnant, though it's so weird after all this time honestly, but I'm just not over the moon about all the kiddo-actually-being-here-stuff like I think I maybe should be.
Yeah, so that's where I'm at. Physically, mentally and emotionally. Doing great while totally screwed up.
We've started to allow baby items in the apartment out of supposed necessity of actually needing a few things on the hand when the kiddo might actually come home alive (I only said I was learning to trust...I'm not all the way there yet...thus all the maybe's and might's and hopefully's). I'm so totally grateful for my grandmother's enthusiasm to ensure we have all that we need. So, do I get all drooly, cooing, swooning excited when each item arrives and when I stare at it nightly in the corner of our room. No. No, I don't. Instead, each item makes me want to crawl in my hole of complete and utterly over the top anxiety and fear. Everything feels like it's far away (does that even makes sense?)--like we're still playing house, as I keep it all at arm's length from me, where I've kept it from years, and I have no idea how to cross that void to total cooing, swooning excitement. I'm pretty sure something is very wrong with me and I'm desperately afraid that I will feel nothing, as in a total lack of connection, when said kid enters the world. I mean, I love being pregnant, though it's so weird after all this time honestly, but I'm just not over the moon about all the kiddo-actually-being-here-stuff like I think I maybe should be.
Yeah, so that's where I'm at. Physically, mentally and emotionally. Doing great while totally screwed up.
9.30.2011
It's all we have left doc
Preface: Today I went to pick up my vial of steroids from the hospital pharmacy (b/c the risk of prematurity real for me...and thus, we need to kick the lung development into high gear). Rx was there. Yay. We already made the plan with my doctor just yesterday that DH would give me the injection today and tomorrow. He does my 17P and did all my IVF. [I have an extreme fear of hip injections and lots of pains thanks to all the PIO over the past two years, so I know he does it well and the doctor was fine with him doing it. I have a routine and method that lessens the pain and the anxiety that I can do at home to get through this.]
I doubled checked with the tech that there were needles and syringes in the bag. You know, to actually be able to use the medicine. Two needles and two syringes. That's all I needed. IM length (so, like 1 1/2"). She said, no, there was no Rx for those just the meds. Um....so, how should I administer the medicine then? She calls the doc's office (5 floors up). Talks to five clinic people. Not a secretary, but actually back-in-the-clinic people. Her side of the conversation indicates that no one will help her by authorizing two needles and two syringes for the vial of medicine already called in. They page the doctor (it's his off day). There are at least 10 other doctors in this clinic. He calls back, says for me to go to the clinic to have them do it today and tomorrow/Saturday (has to be done twice, 24 hours apart). Note, clinic is closed tomorrow/Saturday. Is he going to meet me there? Yeah, we all know the answer to that one.
So, I give up on the pharmacy helping me and go to the clinic. I'm told I can't go past the check-in desk because it's lunch and no one is back there who can help me (like lunch ending will change that, but anyways). Receptionist says pharmacy is holding my needles and syringes hostage and no, no one will be there tomorrow to give my injection. I wait 20 minutes while they all eat and page the doctor again. Then, my doctor happens to walk right past me and asks me how I am. I burst into tears because I've been at this for about an hour and no closer to getting my two needles and two syringes. I tell him no one will authorize the pharmacy to give me these. He says, clinic will give me injection today and husband tomorrow. I cry harder and remind him that I was much more comfortable with our plan from appt yesterday.
He stares at me, saying silently with his expression, are you (me) really going to push this? Yes, yes I am. You know why, doc....because control over who sticks a long needle in my sore ass that already gets weekly injections after weeks of daily injections is all I have left. You've already told me I'll likely have to push the kid out which is not what I was expecting, nor want. I am dealing with you all of sudden telling me yesterday the new goal was to make it at 35 weeks, while also giving me steroids thus indicating this kid actually has a really good chance of coming even earlier...far too early because of my messed up body. I've been multiple IVF treatment failure and lost triplets because of a doc's f-up and my screwed up body. I've been violated more by the dil.do cam in the past two years than my husband's equipment in the past seven years. I can't have sex for at least nine months (six months to go) thanks to precautions that had to be taken because of my messed up body. I've done everything you've asked and that I can do to keep this going so far. So yes, damnit, I am going to push this because I don't see a problem with our plan from yesterday when you already have my husband doing my weekly injections.
The doc told me to stop crying (f-u, dude, crying is what I do best) and got the nurse to get my two IM needles and two syringes. I ran out of there. Got home, realized I didn't check the needles. Stupid me. After all that...they are 1/2"-far too short to reach a hip muscle. I'm hoping to dig up some left over PIO around here someplace now (the 17P compounding pharmacy will only give me the exact number I need, so no extra there) because remember, they are closed tomorrow/Saturday. Total fail.
Ok, so that was a totally too long preface, but here's what I really want to say to the medical community after yet another clinic battle like today:
We newbie IF'ers/preg IF'ers/veteran IF'ers don't have the mental or emotional energy to be obnoxious on purpose. We really don't. We don't try to annoy you. We do, however, remember what you tell us and what the plan is we agreed to down to the detail most of the time. Why? Well, some of us are just that personality type. But above and beyond that, it's all we have left. We have no control over something that should be happening natural without loads of medical intervention; something that should happen behind closed doors with one other person, not in a big room with a team; something that may never happen despite putting our life on hold, our marriage on the rocks and our financial stability down the tube. So, control over following the plan that was discussed is it. It's the last, little piece of control we have over a life that is out of control, upsetting and frightening. We know the plan will change, but at least let's follow it until it does for a good reason. If you, dear medical providers, could step back for a moment and understand that and just stick to a perfectly fine plan that we all agreed on, instead of changing meaningless little details that aren't even logical, well...that would go a long way to keeping us calm and tear free.
I doubled checked with the tech that there were needles and syringes in the bag. You know, to actually be able to use the medicine. Two needles and two syringes. That's all I needed. IM length (so, like 1 1/2"). She said, no, there was no Rx for those just the meds. Um....so, how should I administer the medicine then? She calls the doc's office (5 floors up). Talks to five clinic people. Not a secretary, but actually back-in-the-clinic people. Her side of the conversation indicates that no one will help her by authorizing two needles and two syringes for the vial of medicine already called in. They page the doctor (it's his off day). There are at least 10 other doctors in this clinic. He calls back, says for me to go to the clinic to have them do it today and tomorrow/Saturday (has to be done twice, 24 hours apart). Note, clinic is closed tomorrow/Saturday. Is he going to meet me there? Yeah, we all know the answer to that one.
So, I give up on the pharmacy helping me and go to the clinic. I'm told I can't go past the check-in desk because it's lunch and no one is back there who can help me (like lunch ending will change that, but anyways). Receptionist says pharmacy is holding my needles and syringes hostage and no, no one will be there tomorrow to give my injection. I wait 20 minutes while they all eat and page the doctor again. Then, my doctor happens to walk right past me and asks me how I am. I burst into tears because I've been at this for about an hour and no closer to getting my two needles and two syringes. I tell him no one will authorize the pharmacy to give me these. He says, clinic will give me injection today and husband tomorrow. I cry harder and remind him that I was much more comfortable with our plan from appt yesterday.
He stares at me, saying silently with his expression, are you (me) really going to push this? Yes, yes I am. You know why, doc....because control over who sticks a long needle in my sore ass that already gets weekly injections after weeks of daily injections is all I have left. You've already told me I'll likely have to push the kid out which is not what I was expecting, nor want. I am dealing with you all of sudden telling me yesterday the new goal was to make it at 35 weeks, while also giving me steroids thus indicating this kid actually has a really good chance of coming even earlier...far too early because of my messed up body. I've been multiple IVF treatment failure and lost triplets because of a doc's f-up and my screwed up body. I've been violated more by the dil.do cam in the past two years than my husband's equipment in the past seven years. I can't have sex for at least nine months (six months to go) thanks to precautions that had to be taken because of my messed up body. I've done everything you've asked and that I can do to keep this going so far. So yes, damnit, I am going to push this because I don't see a problem with our plan from yesterday when you already have my husband doing my weekly injections.
The doc told me to stop crying (f-u, dude, crying is what I do best) and got the nurse to get my two IM needles and two syringes. I ran out of there. Got home, realized I didn't check the needles. Stupid me. After all that...they are 1/2"-far too short to reach a hip muscle. I'm hoping to dig up some left over PIO around here someplace now (the 17P compounding pharmacy will only give me the exact number I need, so no extra there) because remember, they are closed tomorrow/Saturday. Total fail.
Ok, so that was a totally too long preface, but here's what I really want to say to the medical community after yet another clinic battle like today:
We newbie IF'ers/preg IF'ers/veteran IF'ers don't have the mental or emotional energy to be obnoxious on purpose. We really don't. We don't try to annoy you. We do, however, remember what you tell us and what the plan is we agreed to down to the detail most of the time. Why? Well, some of us are just that personality type. But above and beyond that, it's all we have left. We have no control over something that should be happening natural without loads of medical intervention; something that should happen behind closed doors with one other person, not in a big room with a team; something that may never happen despite putting our life on hold, our marriage on the rocks and our financial stability down the tube. So, control over following the plan that was discussed is it. It's the last, little piece of control we have over a life that is out of control, upsetting and frightening. We know the plan will change, but at least let's follow it until it does for a good reason. If you, dear medical providers, could step back for a moment and understand that and just stick to a perfectly fine plan that we all agreed on, instead of changing meaningless little details that aren't even logical, well...that would go a long way to keeping us calm and tear free.
9.29.2011
Realistically, I've lost a few weeks at least
Totally preg related post....feel free to skip if you need to. It's kind of a brain dump anyway as I deal with all of sudden feeling very.very.overwhelmed and I just needed someone to "listen"...thus, a blog post.
Today was my monthly ob visit at just shy of 27 weeks. Everything is fine, but I left feeling like a deer in the headlights and completely overwhelmed. Last month, we started talking c-section (my expectation since UU was discovered years ago, as I was told by a number of docs that kid would be breech. period.) vs. pushing the kid out (since this kid is actually head down, not breech like was expected). Today the discussion came up again--and which was better for me and for kiddo. Doc stated b/c kid was likely to not flip around at this point (not enough room) and thus stay head down, from what we know right now (position wise at least), it will not be a situation that is decided for me (e.g. breech=c-section. decision made). Dang it. Now, obviously things can happen that will still lead to a c-section, but he's just saying that right now we aren't looking at anything requiring a scheduled one. In terms of what's best for me and the kid, well, the literature is split--you're screwed either way as far as I read (or in his words, there are pros and cons). Both have benefits and risks. Both have the chance of uterine rupture now or for future pregnancies (yeah, I have no hope for that, but still something to consider I suppose). There is very, very limited literature or even personal experience reports of UU's pushing a kid out...probably b/c if they get preg easily (never requiring HSG), then they very well could have pushed the kid out and still have no idea they even have a UU...thus, no literature and the UU's that are known about seem to have been documented as requiring a c-section b/c of breech presentation.
Blah blah blah. So what does all this mean????
Well, basically, we are going to wait and see and play it by ear. I'm ok with that. The part that has rocked my little world is that this whole time the doc has been saying he thought I'd make it to Christmas time (38-39 weeks)...and if we scheduled the c-section, it be then. Today, he said he doubts that I'd make it that far. This is much more in line with UU expectations and what we've been told by other docs (who quite frankly are shocked we've made it this far). No, nothing has changed really that made him say that--except maybe the twitchy uterus experience that took me to L&D within the week or so. Really though, I think he was holding out high expectations as part of mental encouragement, if that makes sense...like when delivery whenever was really far out, tell the patient they can go all the way so they don't get it in their head they can't. I'm good with this. I have no doubt the placebo effect exists, and it was far out so encouragement for me was good. Now that the time is sort of nearing, he's being more realistic so I can wrap my head around that. I'm good with that too. I've known all along that I very, very likely go early--I mean, my own personal goal this whole time was to make it to Dec. 1. The doc saying I'd make it to Christmas made me roll my eyes, but also did it's intended purpose--has made me think I could go that far and worry obsessively about one more thing out of control.
So, what's my deal now that he's saying Tgiving is more realistic? Well, I guess hearing a doc say that does make it more realistic. And all of sudden, I feel like I'm running out of time. Running out of time to be pregnant which makes me sad. And running out of time to actually start getting ready should we bring this kid home (yeah, there's still an "if" there for me). Each week since viability, we've done one thing to get ready. Bought a stroller and booked a newborn photographer. There's no shower, so no registering has to be done, but we planned to around 30 weeks. There's no nursery, so no decorating needed. NOTHING IMPORTANT though has been accomplished/bought/lined up....like, oh, I don't know...sleeping place (e.g. crib), carseat, pediatrician picking.....And now, I maybe be looking at only another 7 weeks. What?!? At least kids really don't need that much to come home...like those three things should really take care of it in all reality.
Again, I really did expect this. As much as I expected to make it this far I guess for whatever that's worth. All of this is fixable, but today, I am stuck staring at the wall and feeling sad (this is almost over; I really like being pregnant) and overwhelmed (where do I even start and wow I feel alone to deal with all this) and scared (pushing the kid out was never, ever on my life bucket list...and yes, an elective c-section is still an option; I just like it when decisions are made for me about these sorts of things).
Seriously, what a great "problem" to have.
I think I just need to breathe. And maybe make a list. And put L&D's number in my phone.
Today was my monthly ob visit at just shy of 27 weeks. Everything is fine, but I left feeling like a deer in the headlights and completely overwhelmed. Last month, we started talking c-section (my expectation since UU was discovered years ago, as I was told by a number of docs that kid would be breech. period.) vs. pushing the kid out (since this kid is actually head down, not breech like was expected). Today the discussion came up again--and which was better for me and for kiddo. Doc stated b/c kid was likely to not flip around at this point (not enough room) and thus stay head down, from what we know right now (position wise at least), it will not be a situation that is decided for me (e.g. breech=c-section. decision made). Dang it. Now, obviously things can happen that will still lead to a c-section, but he's just saying that right now we aren't looking at anything requiring a scheduled one. In terms of what's best for me and the kid, well, the literature is split--you're screwed either way as far as I read (or in his words, there are pros and cons). Both have benefits and risks. Both have the chance of uterine rupture now or for future pregnancies (yeah, I have no hope for that, but still something to consider I suppose). There is very, very limited literature or even personal experience reports of UU's pushing a kid out...probably b/c if they get preg easily (never requiring HSG), then they very well could have pushed the kid out and still have no idea they even have a UU...thus, no literature and the UU's that are known about seem to have been documented as requiring a c-section b/c of breech presentation.
Blah blah blah. So what does all this mean????
Well, basically, we are going to wait and see and play it by ear. I'm ok with that. The part that has rocked my little world is that this whole time the doc has been saying he thought I'd make it to Christmas time (38-39 weeks)...and if we scheduled the c-section, it be then. Today, he said he doubts that I'd make it that far. This is much more in line with UU expectations and what we've been told by other docs (who quite frankly are shocked we've made it this far). No, nothing has changed really that made him say that--except maybe the twitchy uterus experience that took me to L&D within the week or so. Really though, I think he was holding out high expectations as part of mental encouragement, if that makes sense...like when delivery whenever was really far out, tell the patient they can go all the way so they don't get it in their head they can't. I'm good with this. I have no doubt the placebo effect exists, and it was far out so encouragement for me was good. Now that the time is sort of nearing, he's being more realistic so I can wrap my head around that. I'm good with that too. I've known all along that I very, very likely go early--I mean, my own personal goal this whole time was to make it to Dec. 1. The doc saying I'd make it to Christmas made me roll my eyes, but also did it's intended purpose--has made me think I could go that far and worry obsessively about one more thing out of control.
So, what's my deal now that he's saying Tgiving is more realistic? Well, I guess hearing a doc say that does make it more realistic. And all of sudden, I feel like I'm running out of time. Running out of time to be pregnant which makes me sad. And running out of time to actually start getting ready should we bring this kid home (yeah, there's still an "if" there for me). Each week since viability, we've done one thing to get ready. Bought a stroller and booked a newborn photographer. There's no shower, so no registering has to be done, but we planned to around 30 weeks. There's no nursery, so no decorating needed. NOTHING IMPORTANT though has been accomplished/bought/lined up....like, oh, I don't know...sleeping place (e.g. crib), carseat, pediatrician picking.....And now, I maybe be looking at only another 7 weeks. What?!? At least kids really don't need that much to come home...like those three things should really take care of it in all reality.
Again, I really did expect this. As much as I expected to make it this far I guess for whatever that's worth. All of this is fixable, but today, I am stuck staring at the wall and feeling sad (this is almost over; I really like being pregnant) and overwhelmed (where do I even start and wow I feel alone to deal with all this) and scared (pushing the kid out was never, ever on my life bucket list...and yes, an elective c-section is still an option; I just like it when decisions are made for me about these sorts of things).
Seriously, what a great "problem" to have.
I think I just need to breathe. And maybe make a list. And put L&D's number in my phone.
9.22.2011
I'd be shocked
Honestly, I'd be shocked to come with a living baby at the end of this year. There, I admit it.
Things are going smoothly. My doctor looks confounded by this. Of course, there was a brief visit to L&D a couple of days ago for contractions (let the fun begin, UU!). Seems the dil.do cam u/s that morning to check on my cervix and cerclage made my irritable uterus...well, irritable. [Note: dil.do cam u/s's suck before being pregnant and cause actual (more?) pain when preg since that space is occupied now and is never utilized (as bed fun on hold until after deliver)...I thought I was done with them after leaving the RE's, but turns out that's the only way to see the stitch and most accurately measure cervical length.] Anyways, a few hours after the u/s, right after we got home after lunch, the contractions started and were about every 8 min and about a 6-7 on the pain scale (like, breathing through them was required...too bad I haven't had a class on that quite yet). A quick call to my clinic and we were off to my first L&D trial run. Four hours of monitoring and down to mild, irregular, non-painful contractions (aka Braxton-Hicks contractions, which I've been having for weeks) I was released home. We assume that my cervix never dilated at all since they said this would have caused bleeding with the cerclage in place and I had none; since sticking stuff up there was the cause of the problem in the first place, we all voted to not actually check this. Needless to say, from now on, I'll be boycotting internal u/s....they can check cervical length with an external u/s, and since mine is holding steady in overall length, we can't understand why they need to measure it from the stitch. Now, if it starts to shorten overall, then I get why they need to measure from the stitch b/c you can shorten all the way to said stitch, but until it changes, let's try to keep my irritable uterus a happy camper.
Other than that, though, things are going smoothly. So now back to my original statement. The more I start to do a few things to actually get ready for this kid, the more I feel like I am "playing house". Like planning a wedding with no engagement ring. Or house shopping while being unemployed. Something along those lines of ultimate denial. I mean, we aren't doing much in comparison to most people. We have no nursery to decorate, just a small corner of our room. And I'm not having a shower since we are far away from friends (and I loathe showers), just a meet-the-kid-get-together in the spring when we can travel to our home state. But there are still a few things that I've taken the leap to do. Like today, I talked with a newborn photographer and emailed a birthing class teacher (in case I don't require/vote for a c-section...a post for another day about that impending decision). But the whole time, while setting these things up, I can't actually fathom having a kid in a few months. Here. At home. To care for. I mean, we celebrated viability with a stroller purchase while they were on their annual sale. However, I had to buy it from a place with a long return period and have yet to actually open the box. Because I can't believe a kid will be here to use this in a few months.
It's a bizarre feeling that I'm sure is totally related to IF, reading blogs who have been through late loss, and probably also to the second half of pregnancy risks of a UU (almost as rare as unicorns... ;) )
I don't think it's something that can be fixed...I think it's more like something that will fix itself should we actually bring said kid home. But I just wanted to tell someone about it. And no one IRL would even start to get it. Maybe you all will. And maybe you can relate and will know you're not alone if you are having this bizarre thought pattern too.
Things are going smoothly. My doctor looks confounded by this. Of course, there was a brief visit to L&D a couple of days ago for contractions (let the fun begin, UU!). Seems the dil.do cam u/s that morning to check on my cervix and cerclage made my irritable uterus...well, irritable. [Note: dil.do cam u/s's suck before being pregnant and cause actual (more?) pain when preg since that space is occupied now and is never utilized (as bed fun on hold until after deliver)...I thought I was done with them after leaving the RE's, but turns out that's the only way to see the stitch and most accurately measure cervical length.] Anyways, a few hours after the u/s, right after we got home after lunch, the contractions started and were about every 8 min and about a 6-7 on the pain scale (like, breathing through them was required...too bad I haven't had a class on that quite yet). A quick call to my clinic and we were off to my first L&D trial run. Four hours of monitoring and down to mild, irregular, non-painful contractions (aka Braxton-Hicks contractions, which I've been having for weeks) I was released home. We assume that my cervix never dilated at all since they said this would have caused bleeding with the cerclage in place and I had none; since sticking stuff up there was the cause of the problem in the first place, we all voted to not actually check this. Needless to say, from now on, I'll be boycotting internal u/s....they can check cervical length with an external u/s, and since mine is holding steady in overall length, we can't understand why they need to measure it from the stitch. Now, if it starts to shorten overall, then I get why they need to measure from the stitch b/c you can shorten all the way to said stitch, but until it changes, let's try to keep my irritable uterus a happy camper.
Other than that, though, things are going smoothly. So now back to my original statement. The more I start to do a few things to actually get ready for this kid, the more I feel like I am "playing house". Like planning a wedding with no engagement ring. Or house shopping while being unemployed. Something along those lines of ultimate denial. I mean, we aren't doing much in comparison to most people. We have no nursery to decorate, just a small corner of our room. And I'm not having a shower since we are far away from friends (and I loathe showers), just a meet-the-kid-get-together in the spring when we can travel to our home state. But there are still a few things that I've taken the leap to do. Like today, I talked with a newborn photographer and emailed a birthing class teacher (in case I don't require/vote for a c-section...a post for another day about that impending decision). But the whole time, while setting these things up, I can't actually fathom having a kid in a few months. Here. At home. To care for. I mean, we celebrated viability with a stroller purchase while they were on their annual sale. However, I had to buy it from a place with a long return period and have yet to actually open the box. Because I can't believe a kid will be here to use this in a few months.
It's a bizarre feeling that I'm sure is totally related to IF, reading blogs who have been through late loss, and probably also to the second half of pregnancy risks of a UU (almost as rare as unicorns... ;) )
I don't think it's something that can be fixed...I think it's more like something that will fix itself should we actually bring said kid home. But I just wanted to tell someone about it. And no one IRL would even start to get it. Maybe you all will. And maybe you can relate and will know you're not alone if you are having this bizarre thought pattern too.
9.08.2011
i wish someone had told me this
While spending time on the pintrest, I came across a saying that I want to yell loud and clear to the IF community (including myself over the past four years). Too often, I see people say that are "giving up" when they jump of the child-seeking track to regain control and calmness in the lives. I hate those words--"giving up". Anyone who has even set a foot on this never ending roller coaster of attempting to bring a child into their lives and then CHOOSES to stop is not a quitter. No way. To stop is a decision they've made, barring certain circumstances that force their choice (though that isn't quitting either), to CHOOSE to go another direction. I'm not talking about being totally out of options medically and financially--that's a different sort of hell. I'm talking about doing everything to the very, very end because pregnancy has become a goal to be accomplished, losing sight of the ultimate desire to have a child, and along the way sacraficing everything for that *goal*--including our marriages and our sanity and our selves. Feel free to disagree--this is just how I saw treatments affect us. This saying I found especially hit me given a recent request by a friend of what advice I had to give as she and her DH go to their first RE appt after multiple loses over the past year or so. Maybe she was looking for specific test/medical advice. I don't know, but I know I'm not her doctor (and she's going to a very good clinic) and didn't need to arm her to be "that patient" on her very first visit, so instead I chose to go the route of "sage IF veteran wisdom" type advice (at least that was my hope of the content I gave her...you may disagree, and that's ok). Along with the saying, here's what I had to say to her that I wish someone had drilled into me before setting foot in the RE's office--
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1) Educate yourself to a point. You want to be informed about what tests are looking for and what results mean, but not to the point of insanity and trying to know more than your doc which is really easy to do. So, be educated enough to know when to ask more questions, but not so overly "educated" that you begin to second guess every single thing your doc does. Every RE is a bit different and medicine is an art not a perfect science so you can always find things on google and other's experiences that will contradict your treatment plan. Thus, know enough to inquire about why something is and isn't being done, but don't lose your mind trying to become a self-trained RE.
2) Remember that you and your husband are ultimately in control of what steps you take. Going to the RE is like getting on a roller coaster and it can be very hard to step off should that point come. They will not help you with this, so you have to stay strong. While you may say certain things are off limits "forever", I don't think that's the sort of thing you can completely hold to until you get to that point in your journey. So, basically, be strong and flexible at the same time in your treatment willingness. Recognize the difference between things you'd rather not do, things that scare you right now and things that are completely out of the question b/c of your moral/religious/ethical convictions...RE's have nothing off the table, but a good one will stretch you while respecting you if that makes sense.
1) Educate yourself to a point. You want to be informed about what tests are looking for and what results mean, but not to the point of insanity and trying to know more than your doc which is really easy to do. So, be educated enough to know when to ask more questions, but not so overly "educated" that you begin to second guess every single thing your doc does. Every RE is a bit different and medicine is an art not a perfect science so you can always find things on google and other's experiences that will contradict your treatment plan. Thus, know enough to inquire about why something is and isn't being done, but don't lose your mind trying to become a self-trained RE.
2) Remember that you and your husband are ultimately in control of what steps you take. Going to the RE is like getting on a roller coaster and it can be very hard to step off should that point come. They will not help you with this, so you have to stay strong. While you may say certain things are off limits "forever", I don't think that's the sort of thing you can completely hold to until you get to that point in your journey. So, basically, be strong and flexible at the same time in your treatment willingness. Recognize the difference between things you'd rather not do, things that scare you right now and things that are completely out of the question b/c of your moral/religious/ethical convictions...RE's have nothing off the table, but a good one will stretch you while respecting you if that makes sense.
8.18.2011
Season of isolation-"normal" or not?
Like many others I'm sure, I feel there are seasons to life. Not just mood changes during the day, but longer periods of time when I crave different things. Some are more social seasons--I just want to be around people, and I hate being alone. My current season is the opposite--it is a season of isolation--well, in being isolated with DH. I'm not depressed. I've been depressed, and this feels totally different. I still have great interest in doing things...just in doing them only with DH. I still have very joyful moments. I still want to get out of bed each day to tackle various activities. This feels not so much like I want to crawl in a hole, but more that I just want to pull inside of my marriage, pull up the draw bridges and keep others far for now. I guess it's the same thing, maybe just a more positive versus negative connotation.
I've tried to figure out why I have no desire to seek out social functions or accept invitations. I think part of it is the heat. I am not a hot weather person, especially when walking everywhere is my main mood of transportation. Part of it is my dog's failing health (we were on an up swing...that ended a few days ago when he took a nose dive hip-wise).
Mostly though, I think it's the fact that all through our IF treatments, I was very open with everyone around me for the most part. Not so much as we did more and more IVF cycles in terms of cycle status details, but still very proactively talkative about it all (oh my gosh, the number of people in the world that know I have half of a uterus...I know I told way too many people way more than they wanted to know). I guess I sort of feel that I was so open about all of that very private stuff that I just want to be very private about this side of journey now. After having our marriage, our sex life, my cycles, my periods, my body, his collections, his fluids allllll on display for mulitple medical teams...well, it's time to take us off display.
This has manifested itself in a few ways.
First of all, I hate talking to people, especially random people or acquaintances out in public. After suffering through many overly talkative preg persons over the years, I very much don't want to be that to someone else around me. And selfishly, I don't want to hear their well intentioned but usually misplaced comments (Of course you can have sex during pregnancy...you're doc is wrong (unsaid: even though my law degree has taught me nothing about your medical situation or high risk pregnancy). So, I won't bring up the preg or the kid, and if asked anything, I try to vaguely and quickly answering before asking the person something about them to change the topic. Most of the questions are:
1) How are you? Doing fine, thanks.
2) Do you know what you're having? A child. Should we choose to find out, it will be for us to know. Not my mother and especially not you, sweet random stranger. Because again, we are talking about something inside of me. And my insides are now off limits.
3) Oooh, is this your first? It's the first time we've made it this far. (Note, this is not said in an effort to ellicit sympathy...this is my personal way of honoring what we've been through, not forgetting our first babies-the triplets, and trying to "normalize" pregnancy loss in society so others can feel more comfortable about it if need be.
Second of all, I really really hate being asked for updates by those closer to me. Again, this feels so intrusive about something that is so personal to me. It's even worse when those who were not at all interested in our IVF cycles (read: my mother) seem to have decided to show up to my medical life now that the party is gettin' good. Sure, I'm glad she's excited. But I don't feel like being all gushy-preg talking with her now. Or with anyone. My best friends and family are quite annoyed with my lack of offering constant updates, symptom complaining and especially with my lack of offering ultrasound and bump pictures (none have been taken of the bump and the u/s ones are of my insides, so yeah, those are private), and they are all about to fall over themselves with frustration at our lack of gender reveal. Again, we are talking about my insides. And that topic is officially off limits. So, please people, get another hobby.
I'm really not trying to be a jerk. But I just can't open myself and my marriage and our private journey up again. I just can't. Not when I know they care but are also just plain curious ("What do you look like?!?!" Google 20 weeks....I'm sure there are bump pics you can examine. "How will I know what to buy it?? I need to know the gender so I can go shopping for it??" No, no you don't. I like yellow and green. And I hate lots of baby clutter. We live in 700square feet. You do not need a head start. Plus, nothing baby is coming in the apt until said baby comes in the apt.).
Of course, my behavior and lack of wanting to spend every.waking.moment discussing this kid that could still not make it home has been interpreted by my grandmother as, "Does she (me) even want this baby?". Yes, yes, that's what she said to my mom a few nights ago. Now, I don't totally fault my grandmother for this comment. She's old and we all know you can say whatever hurtful crap you want when you're past 85. Sure, it sucks, but we all put up with it for the most part because telling off grandma is a quick pass to hell. So, fine, say whatever you want behind my back. Who I do fault for this comment finding my ears, though, is my mother. She should know better than to pass along something that would be hurtful to any IF'er. What the heck was she thinking telling me this was said. Needless to say, that total lack of judgement, along with her own slightly more indirect questioning regarding my excitement level since I don't oooze pregnancy complaints around the clock has more or less cut her off of any details I am willing to divulge.
I'm not on display anymore. I will guard myself and my family against as many sucky comments as possible. And I will no longer discuss the details of what's going on inside of me.
But maybe...maybe this is just my justification for wanting to be left alone with my DH (who is finally home more often after years of overworking) to quietly and calmly enjoy each other and day we make it further, while savoring time with my best fur buddy. Maybe this isn't normal? Maybe I should be passing around pics, buying billboards to announce updates and which variety we are having. I mean, I feel excited, though cautiously so, and do some browsing for a few things I'd like to get for it even buying a couple of things as we hit milestones, and dream of how the three of us will spend our time together...but maybe the lack of public display of preg ooze really is a sign I'm not truly excited and I don't even know it. I mean, I haven't been through that much in terms of pregnancy loss, I didn't go through IVF to get this far this time, and while I am realistically high risk, things are going okay so far...so maybe I really need to get off some invisible soap box and act "normal"??
If I feel fine and excited but everyone else says I'm not....who is right?
Thoughts, insight, arguments are welcome by anyone who read this far.
I've tried to figure out why I have no desire to seek out social functions or accept invitations. I think part of it is the heat. I am not a hot weather person, especially when walking everywhere is my main mood of transportation. Part of it is my dog's failing health (we were on an up swing...that ended a few days ago when he took a nose dive hip-wise).
Mostly though, I think it's the fact that all through our IF treatments, I was very open with everyone around me for the most part. Not so much as we did more and more IVF cycles in terms of cycle status details, but still very proactively talkative about it all (oh my gosh, the number of people in the world that know I have half of a uterus...I know I told way too many people way more than they wanted to know). I guess I sort of feel that I was so open about all of that very private stuff that I just want to be very private about this side of journey now. After having our marriage, our sex life, my cycles, my periods, my body, his collections, his fluids allllll on display for mulitple medical teams...well, it's time to take us off display.
This has manifested itself in a few ways.
First of all, I hate talking to people, especially random people or acquaintances out in public. After suffering through many overly talkative preg persons over the years, I very much don't want to be that to someone else around me. And selfishly, I don't want to hear their well intentioned but usually misplaced comments (Of course you can have sex during pregnancy...you're doc is wrong (unsaid: even though my law degree has taught me nothing about your medical situation or high risk pregnancy). So, I won't bring up the preg or the kid, and if asked anything, I try to vaguely and quickly answering before asking the person something about them to change the topic. Most of the questions are:
1) How are you? Doing fine, thanks.
2) Do you know what you're having? A child. Should we choose to find out, it will be for us to know. Not my mother and especially not you, sweet random stranger. Because again, we are talking about something inside of me. And my insides are now off limits.
3) Oooh, is this your first? It's the first time we've made it this far. (Note, this is not said in an effort to ellicit sympathy...this is my personal way of honoring what we've been through, not forgetting our first babies-the triplets, and trying to "normalize" pregnancy loss in society so others can feel more comfortable about it if need be.
Second of all, I really really hate being asked for updates by those closer to me. Again, this feels so intrusive about something that is so personal to me. It's even worse when those who were not at all interested in our IVF cycles (read: my mother) seem to have decided to show up to my medical life now that the party is gettin' good. Sure, I'm glad she's excited. But I don't feel like being all gushy-preg talking with her now. Or with anyone. My best friends and family are quite annoyed with my lack of offering constant updates, symptom complaining and especially with my lack of offering ultrasound and bump pictures (none have been taken of the bump and the u/s ones are of my insides, so yeah, those are private), and they are all about to fall over themselves with frustration at our lack of gender reveal. Again, we are talking about my insides. And that topic is officially off limits. So, please people, get another hobby.
I'm really not trying to be a jerk. But I just can't open myself and my marriage and our private journey up again. I just can't. Not when I know they care but are also just plain curious ("What do you look like?!?!" Google 20 weeks....I'm sure there are bump pics you can examine. "How will I know what to buy it?? I need to know the gender so I can go shopping for it??" No, no you don't. I like yellow and green. And I hate lots of baby clutter. We live in 700square feet. You do not need a head start. Plus, nothing baby is coming in the apt until said baby comes in the apt.).
Of course, my behavior and lack of wanting to spend every.waking.moment discussing this kid that could still not make it home has been interpreted by my grandmother as, "Does she (me) even want this baby?". Yes, yes, that's what she said to my mom a few nights ago. Now, I don't totally fault my grandmother for this comment. She's old and we all know you can say whatever hurtful crap you want when you're past 85. Sure, it sucks, but we all put up with it for the most part because telling off grandma is a quick pass to hell. So, fine, say whatever you want behind my back. Who I do fault for this comment finding my ears, though, is my mother. She should know better than to pass along something that would be hurtful to any IF'er. What the heck was she thinking telling me this was said. Needless to say, that total lack of judgement, along with her own slightly more indirect questioning regarding my excitement level since I don't oooze pregnancy complaints around the clock has more or less cut her off of any details I am willing to divulge.
I'm not on display anymore. I will guard myself and my family against as many sucky comments as possible. And I will no longer discuss the details of what's going on inside of me.
But maybe...maybe this is just my justification for wanting to be left alone with my DH (who is finally home more often after years of overworking) to quietly and calmly enjoy each other and day we make it further, while savoring time with my best fur buddy. Maybe this isn't normal? Maybe I should be passing around pics, buying billboards to announce updates and which variety we are having. I mean, I feel excited, though cautiously so, and do some browsing for a few things I'd like to get for it even buying a couple of things as we hit milestones, and dream of how the three of us will spend our time together...but maybe the lack of public display of preg ooze really is a sign I'm not truly excited and I don't even know it. I mean, I haven't been through that much in terms of pregnancy loss, I didn't go through IVF to get this far this time, and while I am realistically high risk, things are going okay so far...so maybe I really need to get off some invisible soap box and act "normal"??
If I feel fine and excited but everyone else says I'm not....who is right?
Thoughts, insight, arguments are welcome by anyone who read this far.
7.22.2011
cerclage fun
Today I got a dil.do cam ultrasound and an ass progesterone shot. No, you didn't miss something. My cerclage placement and high risk of preterm labor (both due to my unicornuate uterus) deems the following things necessary (many of which I wasn't totally informed about when I gave "informed" consent....not that it would have made a difference, but it would have been nice to know up front (maybe??), so I'm putting it here, so if you any of you need one, you'll know what to expect too):
1) Every other weeks ultrasounds. Via vag u/s. That (the u/s location) was a surprise today when I was told to take if off, as last week, they didn't check it that way (last week was done by the doc, this week was done by the u/s tech with no doc in the room). I was told nothing is allowed up there for fear of infection and irritating the cervix, so I'm confused and will be asking why the difference when I do see my doc in two weeks. Anyways, sure, the frequent u/s are sort of reassuring (actually, they are stressful because they break my ability to be ignorantly blissful that all is well...sure they prove that all is well, but at any moment, they could also prove that all is hell too). And, vag u/s normally wouldn't bother me at this point, but they are far more uncomfortable with my current occupant and the current occupant twinged and spasmed for a while afterwards after I got home. Which freaked me the heck out. Yeah, that can't be good. This, too, will be brought up when I see the doc in two weeks.
2) Every week "hip" (read: ass) progesterone shots. Not PIO, but a lower dose, longer acting (thus, weekly) progesterone known as 17P (brand costs $1500/wk...luckily it is still allowed to be compounded since the drug company totally jacked up the price so it's only $25/wk for the compounded variety). Anyways, I produce enough at this point on my own so it isn't replacing it like it has to after IVF retrieval. Instead, it's there to boost the levels just enough to keep the uterus calm and make it able to stretch better in hopes of delaying preterm labor, especially as my risk of loss in the second trimesters is a crazy high 40% due to the kid running out of room in such a smaller living establishment and the natural stretching ability being exceeded to accomodate continued growth.
3) No playtime of any sort. Outside in the form of exercise or inside in the form of bedtime activity. Since I'll likely go into labor in the low to (hopefully) mid 30 week range with the cerclage still in, there will be no time between removal (usually 37 weeks) and delivery (say, 40 weeks) to have some bedtime fun. After a ten month hiatus, should be a fabulous late winter/early spring (and hopefully no sooner b/c sooner means something went pretty not right)! Of course, after the dil.do cam got covered by a con.dom and allowed up there without hesitation, we would both like to know why we can't do the same to DH (not that it was at all comfortable...but anyways).
So there you have it. The cerclage rules (which do vary by doc...medicine is anart guessing game not a science). Happy to oblige, no doubt, just not always a fan of finding these things out during or after the fact. (And I did ask about some of these things...so, for example, while I knew to expect frequent u/s, they failed to mention the type they'd be. It's so not a big deal, my little psyche just was a little surprised and unprepared.)
1) Every other weeks ultrasounds. Via vag u/s. That (the u/s location) was a surprise today when I was told to take if off, as last week, they didn't check it that way (last week was done by the doc, this week was done by the u/s tech with no doc in the room). I was told nothing is allowed up there for fear of infection and irritating the cervix, so I'm confused and will be asking why the difference when I do see my doc in two weeks. Anyways, sure, the frequent u/s are sort of reassuring (actually, they are stressful because they break my ability to be ignorantly blissful that all is well...sure they prove that all is well, but at any moment, they could also prove that all is hell too). And, vag u/s normally wouldn't bother me at this point, but they are far more uncomfortable with my current occupant and the current occupant twinged and spasmed for a while afterwards after I got home. Which freaked me the heck out. Yeah, that can't be good. This, too, will be brought up when I see the doc in two weeks.
2) Every week "hip" (read: ass) progesterone shots. Not PIO, but a lower dose, longer acting (thus, weekly) progesterone known as 17P (brand costs $1500/wk...luckily it is still allowed to be compounded since the drug company totally jacked up the price so it's only $25/wk for the compounded variety). Anyways, I produce enough at this point on my own so it isn't replacing it like it has to after IVF retrieval. Instead, it's there to boost the levels just enough to keep the uterus calm and make it able to stretch better in hopes of delaying preterm labor, especially as my risk of loss in the second trimesters is a crazy high 40% due to the kid running out of room in such a smaller living establishment and the natural stretching ability being exceeded to accomodate continued growth.
3) No playtime of any sort. Outside in the form of exercise or inside in the form of bedtime activity. Since I'll likely go into labor in the low to (hopefully) mid 30 week range with the cerclage still in, there will be no time between removal (usually 37 weeks) and delivery (say, 40 weeks) to have some bedtime fun. After a ten month hiatus, should be a fabulous late winter/early spring (and hopefully no sooner b/c sooner means something went pretty not right)! Of course, after the dil.do cam got covered by a con.dom and allowed up there without hesitation, we would both like to know why we can't do the same to DH (not that it was at all comfortable...but anyways).
So there you have it. The cerclage rules (which do vary by doc...medicine is an
7.12.2011
the varying levels of confidence
So, yesterday, a fb friend announced her pregnancy with this little line: "Sammy will be a big brother in December."
Now, the announcement itself didn't really catch my attention because Sammy (who was unexpected...not in that, been trying for years, holy crap we're knocked up kind of unexpected way, but in that oops...i thought pills prevent not enable....kind of unexpected way) is two, so I sort of figured another might be on the way soon (because that's what fertiles do right?).
Anyways, no, the thing that got my attention was her use of the word "will". Such confidence. He WILL be a big brother. Oh really? My immediate thought was, "That's bold. Shit happens. Good luck with your "will"." Sure that isn't nice, but I said it was my first thought. I didn't actually type it. My next few thoughts were this (ok, still along the same lines). She hasn't reached medical viability yet (does she know about such a milestone?), and of course, medical viability is still no guarantee. Heck, read around the blogs long enough, and even full term isn't a guarantee.
So, back to "will". Sure, most people say that and assume that. Sometimes they assume that because they have to...like this has to be the take home baby because losing yet another one or losing this first one after so much pain and work is just not something their brain can even venture towards without total destruction. Sometimes, though, they assume it will all turn out okay because they know no different. They live in this slice of earth where they and their friends have had easily obtained, easily survived pregnancies with cute, living kiddos on the other end. Their slice of earth no doubt has IF and pregnancy loss, but those people are silent or are not acknowledged. Therefore, they still have the confidence in the goodness of the world and the sweetness of pregnancy to use the word "will" for something we all know to be one of the biggest miracle/luck/illogical happenings in life. Again, friend, good luck with "will". I'll take my "hopefully, maybe, possibly" and my huge load of absolute, fall on my face, gratefulness because I know "will" is not inevitable. And that's ok.
Now, the announcement itself didn't really catch my attention because Sammy (who was unexpected...not in that, been trying for years, holy crap we're knocked up kind of unexpected way, but in that oops...i thought pills prevent not enable....kind of unexpected way) is two, so I sort of figured another might be on the way soon (because that's what fertiles do right?).
Anyways, no, the thing that got my attention was her use of the word "will". Such confidence. He WILL be a big brother. Oh really? My immediate thought was, "That's bold. Shit happens. Good luck with your "will"." Sure that isn't nice, but I said it was my first thought. I didn't actually type it. My next few thoughts were this (ok, still along the same lines). She hasn't reached medical viability yet (does she know about such a milestone?), and of course, medical viability is still no guarantee. Heck, read around the blogs long enough, and even full term isn't a guarantee.
So, back to "will". Sure, most people say that and assume that. Sometimes they assume that because they have to...like this has to be the take home baby because losing yet another one or losing this first one after so much pain and work is just not something their brain can even venture towards without total destruction. Sometimes, though, they assume it will all turn out okay because they know no different. They live in this slice of earth where they and their friends have had easily obtained, easily survived pregnancies with cute, living kiddos on the other end. Their slice of earth no doubt has IF and pregnancy loss, but those people are silent or are not acknowledged. Therefore, they still have the confidence in the goodness of the world and the sweetness of pregnancy to use the word "will" for something we all know to be one of the biggest miracle/luck/illogical happenings in life. Again, friend, good luck with "will". I'll take my "hopefully, maybe, possibly" and my huge load of absolute, fall on my face, gratefulness because I know "will" is not inevitable. And that's ok.
6.21.2011
Cerclage survival and coming out post
So, I survived yesterday's cerclage placement. The spinal was not bad at all. Honestly. It hurt less than the IV (which I'm pretty sure she put straight into my forearm muscle). Anyways, the spinal was way more mental. The anesthesiologist talked through the whole thing and I learned that it goes into some fluid that is a few layers away from my spinal cord, using a PIO sized needle (for real). During it, the lidocaine burned a little going in, but the nurse was a good talker so our chat distracted me. Then the actual medicine came next, and I could only feel pressure--like someone poking their finger into your back a bit hard. It was totally tolerable. Seriously.
The cerclage on the other hand...holey moley...that sucker hurt like hell. Yes, that was the point of the spinal, but we're thinking the doc rushed it a bit and it wasn't fully in affect (though all their "ready to go? test" areas were good and numb). So while I felt significant of pulling and tugging, but not needle inserting pain, like I was told to expect, about half way through I became totally distracted from the tugging by the worst deep internal cramping of my life (read: this is not normal...supposedly). Like pick me off the table, yell fuck really loud in the OR cramping. It was far worse than my first HSG ever thought of being (and that was horrible b/c they kept aiming wrong). So, at the last minute in the OR, I was given a dose of two other pain meds because keeping going halfway through stitching was a better idea than quitting, as the stitching part was going well. I wasn't sure if the cramping or the preg safe meds was worse for the kid, but the docs felt the meds route instead of the cramping, screaming, crawling off the table approach was better. Luckily, they were quickly done after that and the actual stitch part went very well. They didn't hit anything other than the cervix they were aiming for and I had next to no bleeding during the procedure.
Afterwards, they ultrasounded me and the kid. That's when things got (even) scarier for me. Turns out these preg safe drugs they gave me half way through not only made me a little sleepy, they also made the kid a little sleepy. It's HB stayed fine the whole time, but it was moving wayyy less than at our NT scan right after the procedure. Begin complete and utter freak out melt down. The doc tried to reassure me it would wake back up as the very, very low dose of preg safe drugs wore off. I chose to ignore him and his 30 years of high risk pregnancy expertise and continue sobbing that I failed my DH by having such painful cramps and that I failed the kid in not protecting it already.
They ultrasounded me again about five hours later before I went home (takes the spinal a while to wear off and takes the team a while to get you out of there), and the kid was moving more. Still not as much as at the NT scan in my opinion, but my smart DH said it was a less detailed machine and because it was different view--the NT scan when the kid was seen jumping was from the side so you could see it all, while this u/s was from head down, so jumping would be like the head getting near and farther from the screen--hard to tell for at leaste. We did see legs moving, and again a great HB, so maybe it was jumping and just much harder to tell. The doctors continued to reassure me all was great, all was well, and I am trying to remember that and stay calm. Anyways, a bit of expected red-brown discharge afterwards that has all but stopped today and no cramps since in the OR, and hopefully we are continuing on way to a healthy kiddo. Overall, the entire medical team took exceptional care of me (minus the maybe starting a bit quickly in the OR). I felt listened to, cared for, and hopeful to return in December for delivery.
Oy.
Today was also the day I decided to come out on fb too before we visit our former home city and in laws next week and someone does it for me. Thanks so much for your comments the other day on what I planned to write. I wanted to also let you all see another comment that didn't make it to the blog post b/c blogger sometimes sucks, but was so well put and exactly the reason I wanted to put an announcement on fb at all. This comes from the always insightful and sarcastic ~C~ from The Port of Indecision:
"You know, I'm okay with pg announcements on FB. I've said this before on other people's blogs, but I really do think that the refusal to announce becomes its own sort of attention whoring. One person WILL say something, and then everyone will be jumping in with "OMG :: squee!! :: I had NO IDEA, why are you holding back on us" and pretty soon your entire page will be full of people vomiting their pleasure at your pregnancy and how they think you're a naughty girl for not making an announcement. But when you do make the announcement, then everyone just "likes" it and comments right under that post. Smell what I'm steppin' in?
Honestly, I think only the first sentence is even necessary. If people feel they need to block you, they will whether you mention it or not. And your humble phrasing of the announcement itself conveys the fact that you won't go all Fertile Ho about your pregnancy on your FB page."
So, I emailed the very few IF fb friends I know I have (though I suspect I have more, but it's just a guess) to give them warning if they wanted to hide me, and then I posted this (please universe, don't hate me!): After four years of infertility, multiple treatments and a few lost heartbeats, I am grateful and humbled to be a third of the way through pregnancy.
So, that's all the excitement from my slice of the world for now. And that's really plenty for me!
6.01.2011
Into and Out of This World
Tonight, there is a parent praying that her child will be carried out of this world into the next so that the present suffering will end. Somewhere else, there is a parent-to-hopefully-be praying that his future child will be carried into this world tonight so that the future joy can begin. Both prayers and situations are heartbreaking in their own right and their own merit. And both require a massive amount of strength that neither person would really have ever wanted to have developed.
Tonight as I desperately pray for a return of my missing symptoms, on the same day that our triplets were found to be gone, so that we can have peace for another day and someday bring our child into this world, I also stand in shear amazement and utter admiration of a certain mother calmly, yet fiercely, praying for a peaceful journey as her very ill child crosses out of this world and into the next.
Tonight as I desperately pray for a return of my missing symptoms, on the same day that our triplets were found to be gone, so that we can have peace for another day and someday bring our child into this world, I also stand in shear amazement and utter admiration of a certain mother calmly, yet fiercely, praying for a peaceful journey as her very ill child crosses out of this world and into the next.
5.23.2011
faith-based IF support resource
So, I just wanted to bring what I've found to be a great encouragement to your attention, as they don't seem to be well known and are difficult to stumble upon. If you're looking for simple faith-based support, I encourage you to check them out at www.ssministry.net .
5.17.2011
Hope I'm never your patient again
That's what I said to my wonderful RE today after he said he is moving me on to an ob. We've got a heartbeat (no idea rate b/c he machine is likely from the 70's and just really isn't that cool), but it was beating regularly and looked "beautiful" to him. I called my new high risk ob and got an appt 10 days from now with no yelling at the scheduler to make it sooner needed.
Am I jumping for joy? Yes....and no, sort of...we've been here before, we've seen heartbeats, we've graduated to a high risk ob, only to have the first ob appt show no heartbeats (yeah, that makes you memorable to an ob...hey doc, we had three heartbeats...until you scanned me and now we have none...nice to meet you.) Anyways, regardless, I am cautiously excited, as most infertility veterans would be at this point I think.
I'm just ecstatic to be here today with a heartbeat and a situation that thus far is going worlds better than the previous pregnancy ever went. I guess you can say that given our past experience and our present knowledge about all that can still go wrong, we are holding this very tightly and very loosely at the same time and just happy to be along for the ride.
Am I jumping for joy? Yes....and no, sort of...we've been here before, we've seen heartbeats, we've graduated to a high risk ob, only to have the first ob appt show no heartbeats (yeah, that makes you memorable to an ob...hey doc, we had three heartbeats...until you scanned me and now we have none...nice to meet you.) Anyways, regardless, I am cautiously excited, as most infertility veterans would be at this point I think.
I'm just ecstatic to be here today with a heartbeat and a situation that thus far is going worlds better than the previous pregnancy ever went. I guess you can say that given our past experience and our present knowledge about all that can still go wrong, we are holding this very tightly and very loosely at the same time and just happy to be along for the ride.
5.15.2011
First requested Honor Donation Blanket Completed!
It took a bit because I had to find a good yarn that was soft enough and washable (my mom's yarn stash is not nearly as soft as I would have liked,), but once I found a soft cotton yarn in tons of colors, I got my sticks a-knitting!
As requested by BleedingTulip at pursuingparenthood (I only put this b/c it was requested through my comment section, versus through an email, so I figured it was sort of public knowledge anyways)....here's the very first requested honor blanket for donation to Forever Warm . The note she requested will also be tied to the blanket before I send it off for the organization to then pass along to hurting parents!
I've got a few others done but they weren't done for anyone specific. So....I'd LOVE another request!! (Actually, I'd LOVE to be flooded with them! Knitting with someone in mind with the colors they choose is far more meaningful and fun to me.) See the top of my sidebar for more about this project and my email to send a request to (or leave it in the comments...whatever you're more comfortable with).
As requested by BleedingTulip at pursuingparenthood (I only put this b/c it was requested through my comment section, versus through an email, so I figured it was sort of public knowledge anyways)....here's the very first requested honor blanket for donation to Forever Warm . The note she requested will also be tied to the blanket before I send it off for the organization to then pass along to hurting parents!
I've got a few others done but they weren't done for anyone specific. So....I'd LOVE another request!! (Actually, I'd LOVE to be flooded with them! Knitting with someone in mind with the colors they choose is far more meaningful and fun to me.) See the top of my sidebar for more about this project and my email to send a request to (or leave it in the comments...whatever you're more comfortable with).
4.30.2011
I hate IF urban legends, therefore...
...I hate me. For you. For me even. Urban legends give false hope and/or soul stabbing outcomes to fellow IF'ers.
Unfortunately, though, I seem to be one. A
After all we've been through, I find myself very gratefully unexpectedly five weeks pregnant, with two good looking betas and an u/s next Tuesday. The doc credits the repeat HSG and maybe the gluten free eating in case you're wondering.
Whatever the reason though, like I said, I hate me for you all and I would unfollow me for you if I could.
And if you say it's because I deserve this, I'll unfollow you, because we all deserve this.
Regardless of how this all turns out, for as long as it lasts, this blog will talk about my pregnancy. I will not complain about it. Not a moment or a symptom. I will be the happiest, vomiting person on the planet. If I'm not, you have my every blessing to spam my comments section with hateful comebacks and immediately block me from your world. But I will positively document what's going on for my own sake because I want to live gratefully in every moment (no, I won't say that IF'ers can't complain...I just choose not to for everyone's sake involved). Also, you will not see pictures on here. I just can't bring myself to do that to anyone able to stick around. That's just crossing a line in my world (not judging others, just telling you where I stand for me).
As for my plea yesterday, I try to approach life how I would want to be treated--for me, reading things that pop up without warning is just plain awful, while suspecting that's what's coming isn't as bad--thus, I offered a warning to run while you could so you wouldn't have to see it in writing if you couldn't and/or didn't want to. Because if I were me reading this, I wouldn't be able to handle it. So I wouldn't fault you at all if you hit unfollow (or if you already have...but then you wouldn't have read this far...but either way, I still won't fault you). Like I said up there, I hate urban legends. They are torture to a veteran IF'ers soul. So, as I asked yesterday, please unfollow me for your own sake.
For those who are at a point in their own journey where they don't totally want to claw my eyes out and kick me repeatedly and thus choose to stick around, I stand in humble awe of you, as you are doing something I know I couldn't do because it would just be too painful.
Whether this is my last post you read or not, I want to thank you for your support up to this point. You all are amazing at the kindness you bestow through your comments and shared hopes and frustration. If you're leaving me now, I desperately wish you peace and hope you get your a happily ever after, whatever the ends up looking like for you, sooner than later.
Unfortunately, though, I seem to be one. A
After all we've been through, I find myself very gratefully unexpectedly five weeks pregnant, with two good looking betas and an u/s next Tuesday. The doc credits the repeat HSG and maybe the gluten free eating in case you're wondering.
Whatever the reason though, like I said, I hate me for you all and I would unfollow me for you if I could.
And if you say it's because I deserve this, I'll unfollow you, because we all deserve this.
______________
Regardless of how this all turns out, for as long as it lasts, this blog will talk about my pregnancy. I will not complain about it. Not a moment or a symptom. I will be the happiest, vomiting person on the planet. If I'm not, you have my every blessing to spam my comments section with hateful comebacks and immediately block me from your world. But I will positively document what's going on for my own sake because I want to live gratefully in every moment (no, I won't say that IF'ers can't complain...I just choose not to for everyone's sake involved). Also, you will not see pictures on here. I just can't bring myself to do that to anyone able to stick around. That's just crossing a line in my world (not judging others, just telling you where I stand for me).
As for my plea yesterday, I try to approach life how I would want to be treated--for me, reading things that pop up without warning is just plain awful, while suspecting that's what's coming isn't as bad--thus, I offered a warning to run while you could so you wouldn't have to see it in writing if you couldn't and/or didn't want to. Because if I were me reading this, I wouldn't be able to handle it. So I wouldn't fault you at all if you hit unfollow (or if you already have...but then you wouldn't have read this far...but either way, I still won't fault you). Like I said up there, I hate urban legends. They are torture to a veteran IF'ers soul. So, as I asked yesterday, please unfollow me for your own sake.
For those who are at a point in their own journey where they don't totally want to claw my eyes out and kick me repeatedly and thus choose to stick around, I stand in humble awe of you, as you are doing something I know I couldn't do because it would just be too painful.
______________
Whether this is my last post you read or not, I want to thank you for your support up to this point. You all are amazing at the kindness you bestow through your comments and shared hopes and frustration. If you're leaving me now, I desperately wish you peace and hope you get your a happily ever after, whatever the ends up looking like for you, sooner than later.
4.17.2011
Using my addiction for good (edited)
(edited in italics because it occurred to me that I had accidentally left out my blog buddies who are still waiting for any sort of chance at bring home kiddo...so sorry for that oversight...I blame IF brain that takes years to clear)
First off, thanks for the kind words and excitement over my first creation. You all are so wonderful!! I've found that it is such a fun thing (fun now...never was fun before to me) to watch yarn go from just a ball to something basically wearable.
First off, thanks for the kind words and excitement over my first creation. You all are so wonderful!! I've found that it is such a fun thing (fun now...never was fun before to me) to watch yarn go from just a ball to something basically wearable.
And, so, I must admit....I'm totally addicted to knitting. And I am totally going to feed that addiction with the piles and piles of stashed yarn my mom and grandmother have accumulated (I'm just hoping they send it to me a little at a time, not boxes at a time). Realistically, though, there are only so many knitted items my family needs (what, not every dishes needs it's own knitted sleeve, and my uncle doesn't need a different scarf for each day of winter....darn). I plan to do a few personal projects (like another cowl attempt), and maybe even a couple of things for my et.sty store, but I'd like to also use this addiction for good.
Since a ton of us (way, way too many) have lost embabies, early babies, too soon born babies, should have been okay babies, almost made it home but fell through kiddos, and still waiting for any sort of kiddo during our own journeys, I've been trying to figure out how to help/bless others along this journey with this new found hobby of mine. While I thought about knitted u/s drapes, as those paper ones are just about worthless, I quickly decided that no one wants to get that comfortable on this journey to actually require a permanent woo-ha viewing cover-up. Therefore, here's what I've come up with, that is actually useful and appropriate--if anyone might be interested, I would love to knit a small blanket, in the colors of your choosing, and donate it in honor and memory of your kiddos who didn't get to come home with you or who aren't here yet even as a memory, along with a note should you want to include one to encourage, support, share anything that helped you and in general just love on whomever receives the blanket.
As far someone to accept these donations, right now I'm thinking of having the option of two different places--one for babies born sleeping and one for babies/kiddos awaiting adoption. For the babies born sleeping, I found an organization called Forever Warm. From their website, "Forever Warm was created to provide parents of stillborn children with a blanket that they can wrap their children in for pictures and/or burial. Parents are also given the choice to keep the blanket as a personal keepsake to remember their child." Though my babies never made it far enough along to be born sleeping, I've read so many of your blogs who have had to endure and somehow survive such an experience so I like the idea of trying to help families going through this. I know some of you had your own blankets, but I'm guessing not everyone does and that to be able to take home or use for burial a non-hospital blanket would be a little more comforting in such a horrible situation. Thus, I love what this organization is doing, though unfortunately, they aren't nation wide yet. I'm still trying to find a way to get blankets to an international orphanage that could use them (I hope this is do-able), as I know adoption is a part of many IF blogger journeys both as sad outcomes and joyful endings, maybe even mine in the future (note: if any of you are involved with an orphanage overseas where your kiddo is currently staying and they could use blankets, let me know please).
Color-wise, I know I have variegated pastel (pink, yellow, turquoise), white, cream, raspberry, variegated royal (raspberry, turquoise, golden yellow) coming to me, but trust me...whatever color you would want...my family has squirreled away somewhere hidden from the husbands and would happily send it my way!
To request a blanket, all you have to do is email me at ebc.adoption (at) gmail (dot) com with your color choices. I'll get my needles a knitting and email you a picture when it's done before I ship it off. You may also include a note if you'd like. And just to clarify--I will supply the yarn, the knitting and the shipping--all you have to do is request one!
So...that's my idea. Thoughts? Comments? Ideas? Requests?
4.11.2011
Still here...still not doing IVF
I'm around. I've been lurking, commenting some. I have basically nothing to say IF related--we BD'd our best this month according to CM, though it seemed to have made it's debut later than usual (though I thought I also saw it a few days ago and usually it only lasts for two days...so I'm confused and have made the husband play all week just in case). Cycle may still be screwed up from the drugs, or just screwed up from life. I think I'm going to ovulated around d17 (tomorrow...way late for me), so we'll see. I have this odd, stupid, unrealistic hope, probably just b/c we had the HSG done. That was normal--my single tube was nice an open (Side note: my doc rocked it...no pain, didn't even know he had started...after pealing me off the ceiling while screaming the first time (different doc), I about cried from relief this time). Anyways. So, it's not like that would realistically change our chances, but I still feel hopeful, especially because/in spite of, this month being our 4 year anniversary of TTC. Wow, what a hellish 4 years since naively announcing to our family we were going to start trying for a baby (stupid, stupid, stupid).
So, yeah, besides loading up on pineapple (once an IF'er...always an IF'er), I'm staying busy with non-IF activities! I'm still dancing and loving it...such a fun, freeing workout! I don't think about anything besides being in the moment during class...such a nice escape! I'm also learning to knit (for when I danced too hard and can't walk the next class). Not crap baby blankets (though, universe, I am happy to start should you give me a reason...hint hint). I've tried to learn before from my mother. It always ended in me throwing the needles across the room saying, I'll just go buy a blanket/scarf/wash rag. Anyways, given my high load of recent stress, I held little hope for this attempt from a patience standpoint, except I'm learning from someone-not-my-mother with a group of others. And, I have to say, whether it's that or whether I need the repetition of something that I can get better at, I love it this time! I'm totally addicted. I actually do find it quite calming. Plus, I've got a couple of cute patterns I can't wait to try (I still have two out of three classes left so it'll be a bit) and yes, some of the patterns are for kiddos, but they are cute knitted toys. And I do have somethings already for our someday kid, so I'm okay with trying adding some of my own knitted toys to my hope chest. Others are not for kids...they are just cute fun things for me (knitted felted flowers to put on a knitted beret, etc).
So, I guess that's what's going on here. Enjoying the warmer weather, enjoying the weeks without clinic visits and enjoying new hobbies and interest....yeah, life after IVF is life.
So, yeah, besides loading up on pineapple (once an IF'er...always an IF'er), I'm staying busy with non-IF activities! I'm still dancing and loving it...such a fun, freeing workout! I don't think about anything besides being in the moment during class...such a nice escape! I'm also learning to knit (for when I danced too hard and can't walk the next class). Not crap baby blankets (though, universe, I am happy to start should you give me a reason...hint hint). I've tried to learn before from my mother. It always ended in me throwing the needles across the room saying, I'll just go buy a blanket/scarf/wash rag. Anyways, given my high load of recent stress, I held little hope for this attempt from a patience standpoint, except I'm learning from someone-not-my-mother with a group of others. And, I have to say, whether it's that or whether I need the repetition of something that I can get better at, I love it this time! I'm totally addicted. I actually do find it quite calming. Plus, I've got a couple of cute patterns I can't wait to try (I still have two out of three classes left so it'll be a bit) and yes, some of the patterns are for kiddos, but they are cute knitted toys. And I do have somethings already for our someday kid, so I'm okay with trying adding some of my own knitted toys to my hope chest. Others are not for kids...they are just cute fun things for me (knitted felted flowers to put on a knitted beret, etc).
So, I guess that's what's going on here. Enjoying the warmer weather, enjoying the weeks without clinic visits and enjoying new hobbies and interest....yeah, life after IVF is life.
4.02.2011
Back at the beginning...sort of
Three-ish years ago, at the beginning of our infertility medical treatment endeavor, we underwent an HSG and SA, like most infertility patients do. Insert three years of failed treatments, three lost heartbeats, a large slice of hell on earth, and oh, look, we are back undergoing an HSG and SA next week. Wait, I think my head just exploded from whipping back around to square one after all that.
It's the same thing from the beginning...but different because we are at the end...or a new beginning I suppose. Because this time, we know the doc (which will be my RE because he absolutely insisted it be no one else after all I've been through) needs to take a sharp left turn with that catheter....which we didn't know last time (insert loads of pain and four sets of metal devices from aiming straight back...you won't find my cervix straight back...you'll find a vagina I supposed that really doesn't want anything to do with accepting a catheter). It's also different this time because the SA is being done as a last ditch look at the husband's ever-wavering counts, with a large dose of hope that his fluke good counts from last summer are back and his crap counts from this winter were actually the fluke. And finally, it's different because the entire point is to establish that my single tube is still open and ready for insemination...either with the husband's borderline swimmers (assuming they are at least) or with some stranger's adopted Y-genes (which is okay too, because those come with a large dose of hope too, which we really don't have for an IUI with our own parts anymore).
Of course, we were splashed with a bit of cold water when talking with the doc today, as he mentioned that while he fully believes my fluke (see a trend) cycle last month of a "mature" egg on day3, ov on day6 and 21d cycle was related to the IVF drugs from the month before...there is a slight chance that my eggs/cycle actually are now (like overnight??) dysfunctional. I however refuse to believe that as I have always been regular and ovulated around d11 with 25-28d cycles. I realize that's a bit early and short...but it's still normal enough for an IUI. If last month's fluke cycle is my new normal (f-u universe, by the way...crap eggs and menopause at 29?!? Really?!?!), then an IUI is out. Which puts us doing nothing at all.
For now though, I'm not waisting my worrying energy on the possibility of dysfunctional eggs/cycle or menopause at 29. Not yet at least. Instead, we look forward to a repeat HSG and SA next week...with high-ish hopes for an open tube and amazingly good counts.
It's the same thing from the beginning...but different because we are at the end...or a new beginning I suppose. Because this time, we know the doc (which will be my RE because he absolutely insisted it be no one else after all I've been through) needs to take a sharp left turn with that catheter....which we didn't know last time (insert loads of pain and four sets of metal devices from aiming straight back...you won't find my cervix straight back...you'll find a vagina I supposed that really doesn't want anything to do with accepting a catheter). It's also different this time because the SA is being done as a last ditch look at the husband's ever-wavering counts, with a large dose of hope that his fluke good counts from last summer are back and his crap counts from this winter were actually the fluke. And finally, it's different because the entire point is to establish that my single tube is still open and ready for insemination...either with the husband's borderline swimmers (assuming they are at least) or with some stranger's adopted Y-genes (which is okay too, because those come with a large dose of hope too, which we really don't have for an IUI with our own parts anymore).
Of course, we were splashed with a bit of cold water when talking with the doc today, as he mentioned that while he fully believes my fluke (see a trend) cycle last month of a "mature" egg on day3, ov on day6 and 21d cycle was related to the IVF drugs from the month before...there is a slight chance that my eggs/cycle actually are now (like overnight??) dysfunctional. I however refuse to believe that as I have always been regular and ovulated around d11 with 25-28d cycles. I realize that's a bit early and short...but it's still normal enough for an IUI. If last month's fluke cycle is my new normal (f-u universe, by the way...crap eggs and menopause at 29?!? Really?!?!), then an IUI is out. Which puts us doing nothing at all.
For now though, I'm not waisting my worrying energy on the possibility of dysfunctional eggs/cycle or menopause at 29. Not yet at least. Instead, we look forward to a repeat HSG and SA next week...with high-ish hopes for an open tube and amazingly good counts.
3.27.2011
CD1...now what??
So, for the first time, in like 4 years, I'm on CD1 with no idea what's next. Maybe nothing. Maybe nothing related to counting freaking cycle days. And that's ok. Either way, I guess I'm excited, albeit a little lost though. Part of me, the really really delusional part, feels like the last 4 years were just this really awful nightmare, and I have this crazy desire to say to sweet husband, hey baby, want to make a baby, and in a month or two, we'll be knocked up. I know, I know...this makes NO sense. I have no idea where this idiotic idea comes from given our history. Anyways, since that is absolutely not going to happen, I am just going to enjoy the lack of counting our new life calls for and relax until our next step seems clear.
3.23.2011
Just to clarify
Thank you again for the continued support and fabulous comments. Above that though, thank you for taking time to read and really consider my posts. That means the world to me. You all are the best, seriously.
I did want to clarify, though, that although one day we were still planning to pursue another ivf cycle, the next we declared we were done, and the next I was a bit more upbeat about having a life and our few options....please know that this situation, the one where we don't have a biological child related to both of us, has been something that has been so far out of grasp all along, that I long ago began to try to come to terms with the very real possibility of ivf not working at all. Two years ago they determined I had diminished ovarian reserve and the husband had crap swimmers. So, while it appears from the last few posts, it was all overnight decisions, it wasn't. Yes, declaring our doneness with ivf was an overnight decision technically, but it's something that we have thoroughly discussed before--honestly, we were done after #4, but only tried #5 because we had a brand new clinic with a pioneering protocol and insurance coverage (that's being resubmitted for review) for the first time ever. We had great hopes, yes, but were not surprised when it was the same single egg failure the past three had been. Jumping ship from further ivf's after everything is difficult, in some ways, but in more ways it's far far easier than trying again. Being able to come together and agree that we have tried and are now going to try something different has been refreshing...thus the improved outlook "overnight"--just the freedom to have a life, a marriage and try something totally different is exciting in the midst of and over and above acknowledging our doneness with ivf. Finally, I'm not saying this is the correct path for everyone--some should keep trying and some should probably not try ivf at all...like us...I think it all comes down to what you're willing to put on the line for what you want (that mental/emotional stuff), as well as the results you are seeing (the good ole' medical stuff). I do not at all think multiple IVF attempts for some are a bad thing...I think multiple IVF attempts for us and our situation was a bad thing. Just to clarify.
I did want to clarify, though, that although one day we were still planning to pursue another ivf cycle, the next we declared we were done, and the next I was a bit more upbeat about having a life and our few options....please know that this situation, the one where we don't have a biological child related to both of us, has been something that has been so far out of grasp all along, that I long ago began to try to come to terms with the very real possibility of ivf not working at all. Two years ago they determined I had diminished ovarian reserve and the husband had crap swimmers. So, while it appears from the last few posts, it was all overnight decisions, it wasn't. Yes, declaring our doneness with ivf was an overnight decision technically, but it's something that we have thoroughly discussed before--honestly, we were done after #4, but only tried #5 because we had a brand new clinic with a pioneering protocol and insurance coverage (that's being resubmitted for review) for the first time ever. We had great hopes, yes, but were not surprised when it was the same single egg failure the past three had been. Jumping ship from further ivf's after everything is difficult, in some ways, but in more ways it's far far easier than trying again. Being able to come together and agree that we have tried and are now going to try something different has been refreshing...thus the improved outlook "overnight"--just the freedom to have a life, a marriage and try something totally different is exciting in the midst of and over and above acknowledging our doneness with ivf. Finally, I'm not saying this is the correct path for everyone--some should keep trying and some should probably not try ivf at all...like us...I think it all comes down to what you're willing to put on the line for what you want (that mental/emotional stuff), as well as the results you are seeing (the good ole' medical stuff). I do not at all think multiple IVF attempts for some are a bad thing...I think multiple IVF attempts for us and our situation was a bad thing. Just to clarify.
3.22.2011
thanks you and loose ends
First off....a humble thank you for the support last night. You all are amazing...you get it and say that or don't totally get it but don't say that. Serious kuddos to stepping up with some fabulous comments full of empathy and sympathy (or for not judging and keeping your fingers still).
Today, both the husband and I agreed that we felt a bit free-er than we have in a long time. That's a good feeling people, it really is! Sure, we're scared and unsure because we don't know what the next step is, but we are as peaceful as possible about it not being another IVF cycle. Last night, we started to talk about what do we do now. IVF has been our life...and now it's time we get a different one. We've discussed sperm donor, and that's very much a viable route, especially financially. In all honesty, though, pregnancy terrifies me (confirmed again by the feelings of total fear as my BF went into labor yesterday), but there are aspects of "that" I'd miss. We also discussed adoption again. Financially, this is not an option for at least the remainder of 2011 (but we have *time* as we only turn 30 and 35 this year). When it does become an option financially, though, we are becoming more open to international adoption for the first time. Maybe even a sibling group. I don't know, it's just the beginning of my mind going in that direction, so we'll see, but for now, that idea kind of excites me (in my idealized brain world that is...which I know isn't the real world).
For the immediate future though, and our lovely spring, we are focused on living and reconnecting (that's a cheesy word...basically I mean spending quality time together doing fun things outside and having lots of sex...maybe also outside ;) )
Today, both the husband and I agreed that we felt a bit free-er than we have in a long time. That's a good feeling people, it really is! Sure, we're scared and unsure because we don't know what the next step is, but we are as peaceful as possible about it not being another IVF cycle. Last night, we started to talk about what do we do now. IVF has been our life...and now it's time we get a different one. We've discussed sperm donor, and that's very much a viable route, especially financially. In all honesty, though, pregnancy terrifies me (confirmed again by the feelings of total fear as my BF went into labor yesterday), but there are aspects of "that" I'd miss. We also discussed adoption again. Financially, this is not an option for at least the remainder of 2011 (but we have *time* as we only turn 30 and 35 this year). When it does become an option financially, though, we are becoming more open to international adoption for the first time. Maybe even a sibling group. I don't know, it's just the beginning of my mind going in that direction, so we'll see, but for now, that idea kind of excites me (in my idealized brain world that is...which I know isn't the real world).
For the immediate future though, and our lovely spring, we are focused on living and reconnecting (that's a cheesy word...basically I mean spending quality time together doing fun things outside and having lots of sex...maybe also outside ;) )
3.21.2011
We are done with IVF
(sorry to post such a downer of a post during ICLW...but blogs are about life, usually in real time,,,those new to IVF might want to skip this post...it doesn't have a "this was all worth it" ending...and I'd hate to scare you away based on my single bad experience...then again, maybe a little fair-warning isn't a bad thing, who knows, maybe that would have helped us....either way, consider this a disclaimer)
Today, we got our insurance statements...there's been a huge mix up and at this time they have declined to cover any of our IVF #5 (new insurance, new clinic). We were told multiple times they would cover 50% or 90% (different answer each time, but each time was one of those). We have it in writing, not that that matters. We are relatively confident (as confident as one can get in dealing with insur companies) that this is a mix up only because they covered 1/6 monitoring appts at 50%, but for the same exact charges for 3 monitoring appts before and 2 after the covered date, they covered nothing, stating that our plan does not cover fertility treatments. Tomorrow, I will spend the day fighting through the bureaucracy of HR and the insur company to attempt to sort this out.
All that to say....we are exhausted and done. Even if this should get all worked out and covered at 90%, we are done. Maybe natural cycle IVF would work. Maybe standing on my head for a month straight would work. Maybe eating the exact combination of ant larvae and fertilized dirt would work. I have no idea. I've tried some version of all those options though, and all I have to show for it is a crap mental stability, crap marriage, nonexistent sex life, nonexistent career....oh....and empty arms. So, yeah, we are done. If I'm meant to be a parent, God/Mother Nature/the Universe are just going to have to find another way besides IVF to get me there.
(insert beginning disclaimer statement) The saddest part is, looking back, both the husband and I agree that if we had it to again, we wouldn't do it. Maybe we'd feel different with a take home baby outcome, but given our outcome, we absolutely regret our IF treatment decisions. Some can claim that IVF has made them a stronger couple, better people....we don't claim that. IVF has brought us to the brink of separation and utter crisis more often than not and we would be better together and individually if we had not fought through it. If we could go back 18 months, we would not even start down the IVF route. We'd take the 5% chance the doc gave us to get through the procedure, and say thanks for the IVF option, but no thanks....we would not think twice about jumping off this crazy train before it even started moving. If we'd done that, we'd still have money to adopt or travel. Instead, we have three maxed out credit cards that serve as yet another monthly reminder that we have no child or vacation home in Paris or Tahiti even after everything we've survived.
Regret--expensive, life destroying regret--blows. At least we are done though.
How's that for a sobbering take on IVF....remember, I warned you...and remember, I am only one person with one outcome, so please recognize that as I do.
Today, we got our insurance statements...there's been a huge mix up and at this time they have declined to cover any of our IVF #5 (new insurance, new clinic). We were told multiple times they would cover 50% or 90% (different answer each time, but each time was one of those). We have it in writing, not that that matters. We are relatively confident (as confident as one can get in dealing with insur companies) that this is a mix up only because they covered 1/6 monitoring appts at 50%, but for the same exact charges for 3 monitoring appts before and 2 after the covered date, they covered nothing, stating that our plan does not cover fertility treatments. Tomorrow, I will spend the day fighting through the bureaucracy of HR and the insur company to attempt to sort this out.
All that to say....we are exhausted and done. Even if this should get all worked out and covered at 90%, we are done. Maybe natural cycle IVF would work. Maybe standing on my head for a month straight would work. Maybe eating the exact combination of ant larvae and fertilized dirt would work. I have no idea. I've tried some version of all those options though, and all I have to show for it is a crap mental stability, crap marriage, nonexistent sex life, nonexistent career....oh....and empty arms. So, yeah, we are done. If I'm meant to be a parent, God/Mother Nature/the Universe are just going to have to find another way besides IVF to get me there.
(insert beginning disclaimer statement) The saddest part is, looking back, both the husband and I agree that if we had it to again, we wouldn't do it. Maybe we'd feel different with a take home baby outcome, but given our outcome, we absolutely regret our IF treatment decisions. Some can claim that IVF has made them a stronger couple, better people....we don't claim that. IVF has brought us to the brink of separation and utter crisis more often than not and we would be better together and individually if we had not fought through it. If we could go back 18 months, we would not even start down the IVF route. We'd take the 5% chance the doc gave us to get through the procedure, and say thanks for the IVF option, but no thanks....we would not think twice about jumping off this crazy train before it even started moving. If we'd done that, we'd still have money to adopt or travel. Instead, we have three maxed out credit cards that serve as yet another monthly reminder that we have no child or vacation home in Paris or Tahiti even after everything we've survived.
Regret--expensive, life destroying regret--blows. At least we are done though.
How's that for a sobbering take on IVF....remember, I warned you...and remember, I am only one person with one outcome, so please recognize that as I do.
3.08.2011
new title, same likely ending, but free
IVF #6--first natural IVF attempt--cancelled today on day 3. Too early to really be deemed ivf #6, so reserving the title failed cycle #45 instead. Big ole' functional cyst that is muddying the waters as to my egg situation--something to the affect of, where's the egg? If the egg is in the cyst my e2 is high enough (at 300!) for it be mature but it's only day 3, so it can't be actually mature enough. If the egg is still coming along, well the e2 is f-ing it all up and muddying the waters. Yeah, don't try to understand it too hard, but it's something along those lines and the doc said it just really is not at all the set up we want going into a natural ivf attempt. So cancelled. And I'm ok with that. A forced break after a failure is welcome b/c honestly I was just not feeling it this month and barely even called on day 1 and barely even made it to my appt today. So, yeah, there you go. At least were were cancelled without first doing 4k of meds or doing a few monitoring u/$'s. We'll try again in a month.
In the meantime, we're going to entertain ourselves fertility wise with a visit to urologist for dh. He went to one in the initial work up, what like 3 years ago or so, who found nothing physically wrong (but did not u/s exam to look for a vari.ocele and totally ignored his ridiculously abnormal testosterone). So, since his counts have gotten worse recently, even with a much improved quality of life and improved sleep schedule and lowered stress, I just want to make sure nothing was missed in the crap workup he got before that I (obviously) feel was lacking in thoroughness. Our doc rec'd a urologist who appears to be really in the know of mfi, so I'm excited just to see what he has to say. I expect nothing new, but I guess I'm just excited for the closure.
Because...I think after a couple (or one, we'll see) natural ivf attempts we're going to make the jump to iui donor sperm. If I can keep ovulating regularly that long (please!!!). It's a cheaper thing to fail than donor eggs of course, though obviously sooner than later we would have to go that route when I finally loose all mine. Either way, though, I just can't keep doing this anymore with our own screwed up parts. I'm exhausted, as is dh in every single way possible. I mean, there is nothing, absolutely nothing, in life outside IF that someone would allow themselves to fail 45 times (cycles) or even 5 times (ivf). Long long before that they would have realized that it was time to find another way through the wall.
And finally....though I haven't commented myself on many blogs in the past week, thank you thank you thank you for all the comments that I've read and re-read on my empty post---the commiserating, encouragement, and advice to my emptiness feelings were all so spot on. I've taken some of the advice and am trying to get out more, while also realizing that maybe what we've been through is a bit more traumatic than I've given myself credit for (I give credit to other's journey's and survival...just not my own b/c I can think of far far worse things to "have" to go through in life...and thus my own journey just doesn't see that bad). As for getting out, I was volunteering a local museum one day a week but asked for more hours on another exciting project and started it this week. I also have started taking a couple classes a local dance studio--yoga seemed a bit overwhelming to me b/c I've never been and can't really relax on command and didn't relish all that alone time with my brain/thoughts. I danced years ago and have also regretted walking away from it. I loved it this past Saturday, and found it relaxing and brain stimulating at the same time (which is challenging, yet needed thanks to my constant fuzziness fog). I'm excited to live in a big enough city that offers tons of adult ballet and modern classes. So yay for steps forward! Not sure career wise what's next, but I'm getting out of the house and doing new things that I enjoy, so dh is very happy about this and I really do feel more energized, all good things.
In the meantime, we're going to entertain ourselves fertility wise with a visit to urologist for dh. He went to one in the initial work up, what like 3 years ago or so, who found nothing physically wrong (but did not u/s exam to look for a vari.ocele and totally ignored his ridiculously abnormal testosterone). So, since his counts have gotten worse recently, even with a much improved quality of life and improved sleep schedule and lowered stress, I just want to make sure nothing was missed in the crap workup he got before that I (obviously) feel was lacking in thoroughness. Our doc rec'd a urologist who appears to be really in the know of mfi, so I'm excited just to see what he has to say. I expect nothing new, but I guess I'm just excited for the closure.
Because...I think after a couple (or one, we'll see) natural ivf attempts we're going to make the jump to iui donor sperm. If I can keep ovulating regularly that long (please!!!). It's a cheaper thing to fail than donor eggs of course, though obviously sooner than later we would have to go that route when I finally loose all mine. Either way, though, I just can't keep doing this anymore with our own screwed up parts. I'm exhausted, as is dh in every single way possible. I mean, there is nothing, absolutely nothing, in life outside IF that someone would allow themselves to fail 45 times (cycles) or even 5 times (ivf). Long long before that they would have realized that it was time to find another way through the wall.
And finally....though I haven't commented myself on many blogs in the past week, thank you thank you thank you for all the comments that I've read and re-read on my empty post---the commiserating, encouragement, and advice to my emptiness feelings were all so spot on. I've taken some of the advice and am trying to get out more, while also realizing that maybe what we've been through is a bit more traumatic than I've given myself credit for (I give credit to other's journey's and survival...just not my own b/c I can think of far far worse things to "have" to go through in life...and thus my own journey just doesn't see that bad). As for getting out, I was volunteering a local museum one day a week but asked for more hours on another exciting project and started it this week. I also have started taking a couple classes a local dance studio--yoga seemed a bit overwhelming to me b/c I've never been and can't really relax on command and didn't relish all that alone time with my brain/thoughts. I danced years ago and have also regretted walking away from it. I loved it this past Saturday, and found it relaxing and brain stimulating at the same time (which is challenging, yet needed thanks to my constant fuzziness fog). I'm excited to live in a big enough city that offers tons of adult ballet and modern classes. So yay for steps forward! Not sure career wise what's next, but I'm getting out of the house and doing new things that I enjoy, so dh is very happy about this and I really do feel more energized, all good things.
3.02.2011
Empty
Warning: This is a downer post, feel free to turn away and come back on a better day. I'll totally understand. But, no IRL friends could begin to comprehend this, and might not even want to hear it either (and getting up and walking away during coffee is way more obvious than closing this little screen, so they'd be stuck), so anyways, that's why it's going on here.
Disclaimer: Sweet Mr.ebc reinforces none of my self-conceived notions about myself or my lack of value to the world. In fact, he would adamantly argue against them, so just know that.
I can't do IVF again. I just don't think I have it in me. I'm tired in every way possible. I am a shell of who I was 10 years ago. And a bitter, sad one at that. I just exist now. I have no purpose, no future goals and no mojo. I quit my crazy stressful job to do IVF and don't have the energy or time thanks to ongoing IVF cycles (hi, thanks for hiring me, now I'll be taking random days off with no notice) to return to anything, even if I could find someone to overlook that year and a half maternity leave without a baby to show for it gap. More than that though, my training is in the helping/behavioral sciences profession, but honestly, I can't deal with and resolve my own problems, let alone someone else's. In my mind, people either work or raise children. I do neither. I'm not even that good of a "housewife". So, I feel utterly useless to society and to Mr.ebc (this is where that disclaimer comes in)--I can't give him income, children or regularly clean laundry. And, I have no goals anymore in the future to change this. I'd love to travel. But we still have to pay for family building. And even if we didn't, we have to pay off family building. I'd love to learn something new--photography maybe or ???. But can't find the energy to even make that possible. I'm sitting here with my mom's old film camera and a book that should be able to teach me how to use the damn thing. And it absolutely overwhelms me. Everything new overwhelms me. This isn't me. I use to love challenges and learning new things. Now, I just sit here. I'd love to be active again--bike riding, rock climbing, dancing--but it all takes money that needs to go towards family building or debt or that I just plain feel bad spending since I bring nothing in (disclaimer moment again) and some of those activities aren't the best for times of IVF, so again, I do nothing.
I guess it's good I can at least recognize my mojo is MIA. But I have no idea how to get it back. Something has to change though because just existing is not really existing. Whether we continue treatments, approach adoption or find childless peace, there has to be a better way to get through this than the empty life I'm currently living.
Open to ideas and suggestions if you read this far.
Disclaimer: Sweet Mr.ebc reinforces none of my self-conceived notions about myself or my lack of value to the world. In fact, he would adamantly argue against them, so just know that.
I can't do IVF again. I just don't think I have it in me. I'm tired in every way possible. I am a shell of who I was 10 years ago. And a bitter, sad one at that. I just exist now. I have no purpose, no future goals and no mojo. I quit my crazy stressful job to do IVF and don't have the energy or time thanks to ongoing IVF cycles (hi, thanks for hiring me, now I'll be taking random days off with no notice) to return to anything, even if I could find someone to overlook that year and a half maternity leave without a baby to show for it gap. More than that though, my training is in the helping/behavioral sciences profession, but honestly, I can't deal with and resolve my own problems, let alone someone else's. In my mind, people either work or raise children. I do neither. I'm not even that good of a "housewife". So, I feel utterly useless to society and to Mr.ebc (this is where that disclaimer comes in)--I can't give him income, children or regularly clean laundry. And, I have no goals anymore in the future to change this. I'd love to travel. But we still have to pay for family building. And even if we didn't, we have to pay off family building. I'd love to learn something new--photography maybe or ???. But can't find the energy to even make that possible. I'm sitting here with my mom's old film camera and a book that should be able to teach me how to use the damn thing. And it absolutely overwhelms me. Everything new overwhelms me. This isn't me. I use to love challenges and learning new things. Now, I just sit here. I'd love to be active again--bike riding, rock climbing, dancing--but it all takes money that needs to go towards family building or debt or that I just plain feel bad spending since I bring nothing in (disclaimer moment again) and some of those activities aren't the best for times of IVF, so again, I do nothing.
I guess it's good I can at least recognize my mojo is MIA. But I have no idea how to get it back. Something has to change though because just existing is not really existing. Whether we continue treatments, approach adoption or find childless peace, there has to be a better way to get through this than the empty life I'm currently living.
Open to ideas and suggestions if you read this far.
2.26.2011
The fight for reproductive rights
Attention USA IF'ers: I've seen some of this on other's blogs and yesterday I got an email from Resolve, so I'm passing the information because our legislators need to hear from us, as we are the ones who have been through and will go through situations and choices affected by these bills. As someone has frequently written email and made visits to my own legislators in the past few years, it does work. They do hear us. Some even try to listen and act in accordance with what we, their voters, demand. It's easy to take a bit of action and putting a face on the bill really can make a difference!
Resolve seems to have done an adequate job giving a brief synopsis and the needed action here, so I'll just say do an even briefer summary here--these states have something brewing that is either a good or a bad thing for the IF community:
Resolve seems to have done an adequate job giving a brief synopsis and the needed action here, so I'll just say do an even briefer summary here--these states have something brewing that is either a good or a bad thing for the IF community:
- Montana--attempting to redefine "person", which would give rights to embryos and affect IVF
- Passed in Committee
- Texas--attempting to redefine "human organism", which would give rights to embryos and affect IVF
- Not yet assigned to a Committee
- California--attempting to provide fertility preservation insurance coverage to men/women diagnosed with cancer
- Not yet even assigned to a Committee
- Arizona--attempting to change how egg/sperm donor records are retained and provided
- Passed favorably out of Committee
- North Dakota--attempting to redefine "human being", which would give rights to embryos (such as ability to be the victim of murder) and affect IVF
- Note: this craziness has passed the House and is now in the Senate
- Oklahoma--attempting to redefine "person", which would give rights to embryos and affect IVF
- Referred to Committee
- Iowa--attempting to redefine that life begins at conception, thus giving embryos full rights and affecting IVF
- Passed out of Subcommittee, now being reviewed in Committee
- Maryland--attempting to create commission to study surrogacy and gestational carriers; unknown what would be done with these findings, but one bill sponsor acknowledges she aims to ban surrogacy.
- In Committee....in BOTH the House and Senate
- Hawaii--attempting to increase mandated IVF coverage from one cycle to four completed cycles and removing stipulation that partners must be married.
- In Committee
- Washington--attempting to expand parental rights of partners and to establish standards and safeguards for surrogacy
- House voting taking place next week; if passed, will move on to the Senate
2.25.2011
I love a man with my plan
WTF next consult with my doc went nothing short of awesome! Our doc actually suggested natural cycle ivf before I could even ask about it! He said his clinic (yay for university based research clinics) have been doing this for years. Since we have ivf procedure coverage, this is the route that makes sense at this time financially and medically, since we don't know if the lack of fertilization this time was due to an egg or swimmer problem (thus, not sure which donor route to try yet).
The other thing that I'm crazy excited about is our decision to go gluten free!! While this diet change has the potential to help our swimmer and egg reserve issues, I'm just really excited about the hope of it injecting some life back into us. We sleep way more than I think we should and are both just so very lethargic and blah. Now, some of that may be winter related (that damn groundhog better be right), but I feel like there's more to it than that. The more I research it, the more I see it as a possibility to explain some of our other odd health things that have no explanation.
So...that's our new plan for a few cycles--natural cycle ivf while being gluten free while enjoying the (better be here soon) spring weather. We are excited and feel satisfied with and hopeful about these choices more than we have in a long time.
The other thing that I'm crazy excited about is our decision to go gluten free!! While this diet change has the potential to help our swimmer and egg reserve issues, I'm just really excited about the hope of it injecting some life back into us. We sleep way more than I think we should and are both just so very lethargic and blah. Now, some of that may be winter related (that damn groundhog better be right), but I feel like there's more to it than that. The more I research it, the more I see it as a possibility to explain some of our other odd health things that have no explanation.
So...that's our new plan for a few cycles--natural cycle ivf while being gluten free while enjoying the (better be here soon) spring weather. We are excited and feel satisfied with and hopeful about these choices more than we have in a long time.
2.24.2011
ONE the egg is still just an egg
Yup, that says it all. No fertilization. Fuck. Dammit. Ahhhhhhhggggggg!
Plan for today:
I asked the doc when we could come in to talk about our true and realistic options. I offered next week, he offered tomorrow. He is a good human. That's the benefits of being in small clinic. I figured next week would have even been pushing it, but tomorrow at noon. Heck yeah. Let's learn as soon as we can what we really have left so we don't get mentally attached to an option that might not really be there. I've got my list of questions/options I think we have ready for him:
Basic problem summarized--my husband and I are a crap match reproductively (I hope that somehow that means we are better match in life in general--like an inverse relationship--the more trouble you have getting preg, the more you were really meant to be together. Like a consolation prize?). Anyways, if he married someone with a lot of eggs, his swimmers would be fine with ICSI/IVF. And, if I married someone with great swimmers, I should be able to get preg on my own since I do ovulate each month, though not always on the side of my single tube (though that is somewhat an assumption).
So, here's possible options thanks to blogs and dr.goog.le:
1) Natural IVF?
I ovulate every month thankfully. So, could we *just* go in and get that egg. There are only about two docs in the country I think that advertise that they do this b/c of various reasons. However, since we are at a research/university clinic, maybe he's one.
2) Clomid IVF?
I've stumbled on few postings from people that said if you respond terribly to injectable drugs, sometimes clomid gets a better response. However, I know the true problem is there just aren't that many antrals to develop even if they all responded to whatever drug.
3) Egg donor:
I know this an option medically and mentally. However, financially...well, we are maxed out and 35K is just not a gamble I'd really like to add to our huge debt load already. My concern is (and what I need to varify with doc I guess) is what if the egg donor only produces a few embryos, or even worse, what if there are none. Are there any types of guarantees on this sort of thing? Financially, though, we are still not looking at being able to do this anytime soon.
4) Sperm donor:
Financially, this is a great option. Medically, I don't know if he'll do it b/c of the unlikely risk of giving me multiples--note: we'd be unmedicated for the iui, so unless I really do ovulate more than one egg each month, we should be fine. And we should be able to see on u/s how many I ovulate before the iui I would think. Psychologically, though, I'm not sure Mr.ebc is ready to take this jump. I can't imagine how hard it is for him to be in this frustrating and soul crushing position, but I know how absolutely hurt he looks each month, especially today, so even if doc agrees, he's gotta get his mind wrapped around the ramifications of using a donor.
5) Gluten free:
After seeing this on a blog, I did a little research to see how this affects fertility. From what I read, going gluten free may help with high fsh and poor morphology. That's us! So, I'm curious to see if trying this diet change would get Mr.ebc's healed enough to go the iui route with his own swimmers. Plus, I'm just wondering if it would help us both just feel better and more energized. I've got one fellow blogger who I'm contacting right after this post to learn about her experience.
So, I think that's all I can think of. Any input on any of that is very welcome!! Also, luckily, one of our doc's research areas if dor, thus the protocol development we used this past time. So, maybe he has something else up his sleeve? Whatever we decide though, we've got to have our life and marriage back from the all-consuming nature of intense ivf treatments. Getting a baby, but losing your soul, your mind, your energy and your partnership....well, that's just not worth it.
Plan for today:
I asked the doc when we could come in to talk about our true and realistic options. I offered next week, he offered tomorrow. He is a good human. That's the benefits of being in small clinic. I figured next week would have even been pushing it, but tomorrow at noon. Heck yeah. Let's learn as soon as we can what we really have left so we don't get mentally attached to an option that might not really be there. I've got my list of questions/options I think we have ready for him:
Basic problem summarized--my husband and I are a crap match reproductively (I hope that somehow that means we are better match in life in general--like an inverse relationship--the more trouble you have getting preg, the more you were really meant to be together. Like a consolation prize?). Anyways, if he married someone with a lot of eggs, his swimmers would be fine with ICSI/IVF. And, if I married someone with great swimmers, I should be able to get preg on my own since I do ovulate each month, though not always on the side of my single tube (though that is somewhat an assumption).
So, here's possible options thanks to blogs and dr.goog.le:
1) Natural IVF?
I ovulate every month thankfully. So, could we *just* go in and get that egg. There are only about two docs in the country I think that advertise that they do this b/c of various reasons. However, since we are at a research/university clinic, maybe he's one.
2) Clomid IVF?
I've stumbled on few postings from people that said if you respond terribly to injectable drugs, sometimes clomid gets a better response. However, I know the true problem is there just aren't that many antrals to develop even if they all responded to whatever drug.
3) Egg donor:
I know this an option medically and mentally. However, financially...well, we are maxed out and 35K is just not a gamble I'd really like to add to our huge debt load already. My concern is (and what I need to varify with doc I guess) is what if the egg donor only produces a few embryos, or even worse, what if there are none. Are there any types of guarantees on this sort of thing? Financially, though, we are still not looking at being able to do this anytime soon.
4) Sperm donor:
Financially, this is a great option. Medically, I don't know if he'll do it b/c of the unlikely risk of giving me multiples--note: we'd be unmedicated for the iui, so unless I really do ovulate more than one egg each month, we should be fine. And we should be able to see on u/s how many I ovulate before the iui I would think. Psychologically, though, I'm not sure Mr.ebc is ready to take this jump. I can't imagine how hard it is for him to be in this frustrating and soul crushing position, but I know how absolutely hurt he looks each month, especially today, so even if doc agrees, he's gotta get his mind wrapped around the ramifications of using a donor.
5) Gluten free:
After seeing this on a blog, I did a little research to see how this affects fertility. From what I read, going gluten free may help with high fsh and poor morphology. That's us! So, I'm curious to see if trying this diet change would get Mr.ebc's healed enough to go the iui route with his own swimmers. Plus, I'm just wondering if it would help us both just feel better and more energized. I've got one fellow blogger who I'm contacting right after this post to learn about her experience.
So, I think that's all I can think of. Any input on any of that is very welcome!! Also, luckily, one of our doc's research areas if dor, thus the protocol development we used this past time. So, maybe he has something else up his sleeve? Whatever we decide though, we've got to have our life and marriage back from the all-consuming nature of intense ivf treatments. Getting a baby, but losing your soul, your mind, your energy and your partnership....well, that's just not worth it.
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