We are done with IVF

(sorry to post such a downer of a post during ICLW...but blogs are about life, usually in real time,,,those new to IVF might want to skip this post...it doesn't have a "this was all worth it" ending...and I'd hate to scare you away based on my single bad experience...then again, maybe a little fair-warning isn't a bad thing, who knows, maybe that would have helped us....either way, consider this a disclaimer)

Today, we got our insurance statements...there's been a huge mix up and at this time they have declined to cover any of our IVF #5 (new insurance, new clinic). We were told multiple times they would cover 50% or 90% (different answer each time, but each time was one of those). We have it in writing, not that that matters. We are relatively confident (as confident as one can get in dealing with insur companies) that this is a mix up only because they covered 1/6 monitoring appts at 50%, but for the same exact charges for 3 monitoring appts before and 2 after the covered date, they covered nothing, stating that our plan does not cover fertility treatments. Tomorrow, I will spend the day fighting through the bureaucracy of HR and the insur company to attempt to sort this out.

All that to say....we are exhausted and done. Even if this should get all worked out and covered at 90%, we are done. Maybe natural cycle IVF would work. Maybe standing on my head for a month straight would work. Maybe eating the exact combination of ant larvae and fertilized dirt would work. I have no idea. I've tried some version of all those options though, and all I have to show for it is a crap mental stability, crap marriage, nonexistent sex life, nonexistent career....oh....and empty arms. So, yeah, we are done. If I'm meant to be a parent, God/Mother Nature/the Universe are just going to have to find another way besides IVF to get me there.

(insert beginning disclaimer statement) The saddest part is, looking back, both the husband and I agree that if we had it to again, we wouldn't do it. Maybe we'd feel different with a take home baby outcome, but given our outcome, we absolutely regret our IF treatment decisions. Some can claim that IVF has made them a stronger couple, better people....we don't claim that. IVF has brought us to the brink of separation and utter crisis more often than not and we would be better together and individually if we had not fought through it. If we could go back 18 months, we would not even start down the IVF route. We'd take the 5% chance the doc gave us to get through the procedure, and say thanks for the IVF option, but no thanks....we would not think twice about jumping off this crazy train before it even started moving. If we'd done that, we'd still have money to adopt or travel. Instead, we have three maxed out credit cards that serve as yet another monthly reminder that we have no child or vacation home in Paris or Tahiti even after everything we've survived.

Regret--expensive, life destroying regret--blows. At least we are done though.

How's that for a sobbering take on IVF....remember, I warned you...and remember, I am only one person with one outcome, so please recognize that as I do.