I'd be shocked

Honestly, I'd be shocked to come with a living baby at the end of this year. There, I admit it.


Things are going smoothly. My doctor looks confounded by this. Of course, there was a brief visit to L&D a couple of days ago for contractions (let the fun begin, UU!). Seems the dil.do cam u/s that morning to check on my cervix and cerclage made my irritable uterus...well, irritable. [Note: dil.do cam u/s's suck before being pregnant and cause actual (more?) pain when preg since that space is occupied now and is never utilized (as bed fun on hold until after deliver)...I thought I was done with them after leaving the RE's, but turns out that's the only way to see the stitch and most accurately measure cervical length.] Anyways, a few hours after the u/s, right after we got home after lunch, the contractions started and were about every 8 min and about a 6-7 on the pain scale (like, breathing through them was required...too bad I haven't had a class on that quite yet). A quick call to my clinic and we were off to my first L&D trial run. Four hours of monitoring and down to mild, irregular, non-painful contractions (aka Braxton-Hicks contractions, which I've been having for weeks) I was released home. We assume that my cervix never dilated at all since they said this would have caused bleeding with the cerclage in place and I had none; since sticking stuff up there was the cause of the problem in the first place, we all voted to not actually check this. Needless to say, from now on, I'll be boycotting internal u/s....they can check cervical length with an external u/s, and since mine is holding steady in overall length, we can't understand why they need to measure it from the stitch. Now, if it starts to shorten overall, then I get why they need to measure from the stitch b/c you can shorten all the way to said stitch, but until it changes, let's try to keep my irritable uterus a happy camper.


Other than that, though, things are going smoothly. So now back to my original statement. The more I start to do a few things to actually get ready for this kid, the more I feel like I am "playing house". Like planning a wedding with no engagement ring. Or house shopping while being unemployed. Something along those lines of ultimate denial. I mean, we aren't doing much in comparison to most people. We have no nursery to decorate, just a small corner of our room. And I'm not having a shower since we are far away from friends (and I loathe showers), just a meet-the-kid-get-together in the spring when we can travel to our home state. But there are still a few things that I've taken the leap to do. Like today, I talked with a newborn photographer and emailed a birthing class teacher (in case I don't require/vote for a c-section...a post for another day about that impending decision). But the whole time, while setting these things up, I can't actually fathom having a kid in a few months. Here. At home. To care for. I mean, we celebrated viability with a stroller purchase while they were on their annual sale. However, I had to buy it from a place with a long return period and have yet to actually open the box. Because I can't believe a kid will be here to use this in a few months.


It's a bizarre feeling that I'm sure is totally related to IF, reading blogs who have been through late loss,  and probably also to the second half of pregnancy risks of a UU (almost as rare as unicorns... ;) )


I don't think it's something that can be fixed...I think it's more like something that will fix itself should we actually bring said kid home. But I just wanted to tell someone about it. And no one IRL would even start to get it. Maybe you all will. And maybe you can relate and will know you're not alone if you are having this bizarre thought pattern too.