It's all we have left doc

Preface: Today I went to pick up my vial of steroids from the hospital pharmacy (b/c the risk of prematurity real for me...and thus, we need to kick the lung development into high gear). Rx was there. Yay. We already made the plan with my doctor just yesterday that DH would give me the injection today and tomorrow. He does my 17P and did all my IVF. [I have an extreme fear of hip injections and lots of pains thanks to all the PIO over the past two years, so I know he does it well and the doctor was fine with him doing it. I have a routine and method that lessens the pain and the anxiety that I can do at home to get through this.] 


I doubled checked with the tech that there were needles and syringes in the bag. You know, to actually be able to use the medicine. Two needles and two syringes. That's all I needed. IM length (so, like 1 1/2"). She said, no, there was no Rx for those just the meds. Um....so, how should I administer the medicine then? She calls the doc's office (5 floors up). Talks to five clinic people. Not a secretary, but actually back-in-the-clinic people. Her side of the conversation indicates that no one will help her by authorizing two needles and two syringes for the vial of medicine already called in. They page the doctor (it's his off day). There are at least 10 other doctors in this clinic. He calls back, says for me to go to the clinic to have them do it today and tomorrow/Saturday (has to be done twice, 24 hours apart). Note, clinic is closed tomorrow/Saturday. Is he going to meet me there? Yeah, we all know the answer to that one. 


So, I give up on the pharmacy helping me and go to the clinic. I'm told I can't go past the check-in desk because it's lunch and no one is back there who can help me (like lunch ending will change that, but anyways). Receptionist says pharmacy is holding my needles and syringes hostage and no, no one will be there tomorrow to give my injection. I wait 20 minutes while they all eat and page the doctor again. Then, my doctor happens to walk right past me and asks me how I am. I burst into tears because I've been at this for about an hour and no closer to getting my two needles and two syringes. I tell him no one will authorize the pharmacy to give me these. He says, clinic will give me injection today and husband tomorrow. I cry harder and remind him that I was much more comfortable with our plan from appt yesterday. 


He stares at me, saying silently with his expression, are you (me) really going to push this? Yes, yes I am. You know why, doc....because control over who sticks a long needle in my sore ass that already gets weekly injections after weeks of daily injections is all I have left. You've already told me I'll likely have to push the kid out which is not what I was expecting, nor want. I am dealing with you all of sudden telling me yesterday the new goal was to make it at 35 weeks, while also giving me steroids thus indicating this kid actually has a really good chance of coming even earlier...far too early because of my messed up body. I've been multiple IVF treatment failure and lost triplets because of a doc's f-up and my screwed up body. I've been violated more by the dil.do cam in the past two years than my husband's equipment in the past seven years. I can't have sex for at least nine months (six months to go) thanks to precautions that had to be taken because of my messed up body. I've done everything you've asked and that I can do to keep this going so far. So yes, damnit, I am going to push this because I don't see a problem with our plan from yesterday when you already have my husband doing my weekly injections. 


The doc told me to stop crying (f-u, dude, crying is what I do best) and got the nurse to get my two IM needles and two syringes. I ran out of there. Got home, realized I didn't check the needles. Stupid me. After all that...they are 1/2"-far too short to reach a hip muscle. I'm hoping to dig up some left over PIO around here someplace now (the 17P compounding pharmacy will only give me the exact number I need, so no extra there) because remember, they are closed tomorrow/Saturday. Total fail.




Ok, so that was a totally too long preface, but here's what I really want to say to the medical community after yet another clinic battle like today: 


We newbie IF'ers/preg IF'ers/veteran IF'ers don't have the mental or emotional energy to be obnoxious on purpose. We really don't. We don't try to annoy you. We do, however, remember what you tell us and what the plan is we agreed to down to the detail most of the time. Why? Well, some of us are just that personality type. But above and beyond that, it's all we have left. We have no control over something that should be happening natural without loads of medical intervention; something that should happen behind closed doors with one other person, not in a big room with a team; something that may never happen despite putting our life on hold, our marriage on the rocks and our financial stability down the tube. So, control over following the plan that was discussed is it. It's the last, little piece of control we have over a life that is out of control, upsetting and frightening. We know the plan will change, but at least let's follow it until it does for a good reason. If you, dear medical providers, could step back for a moment and understand that and just stick to a perfectly fine plan that we all agreed on, instead of changing meaningless little details that aren't even logical, well...that would go a long way to keeping us calm and tear free.