30 weeks today...my UU, undoubtedly with the help of the the stretch-aiding 17P injections and prayers from all over, has held this kiddo safely (as far as I know) past the 24wk technical viability mark, past the 28wk more true viability mark and into the 30's. We have a growth scan in 10 days to check for IUGR, a common UU risk as they just flat run out of room in their half-a-home. I can't say I trust my body, but I am learning to trust my uterus far more than I will ever trust my failing ovaries! Freaking super UU in my little book.
We've started to allow baby items in the apartment out of supposed necessity of actually needing a few things on the hand when the kiddo might actually come home alive (I only said I was learning to trust...I'm not all the way there yet...thus all the maybe's and might's and hopefully's). I'm so totally grateful for my grandmother's enthusiasm to ensure we have all that we need. So, do I get all drooly, cooing, swooning excited when each item arrives and when I stare at it nightly in the corner of our room. No. No, I don't. Instead, each item makes me want to crawl in my hole of complete and utterly over the top anxiety and fear. Everything feels like it's far away (does that even makes sense?)--like we're still playing house, as I keep it all at arm's length from me, where I've kept it from years, and I have no idea how to cross that void to total cooing, swooning excitement. I'm pretty sure something is very wrong with me and I'm desperately afraid that I will feel nothing, as in a total lack of connection, when said kid enters the world. I mean, I love being pregnant, though it's so weird after all this time honestly, but I'm just not over the moon about all the kiddo-actually-being-here-stuff like I think I maybe should be.
Yeah, so that's where I'm at. Physically, mentally and emotionally. Doing great while totally screwed up.
Whoo hoo, 30 weeks, go you little UU!! Such great news and I think I've said to you before, I didn't really relax and believe I had a take home baby until I heard his little wail as he came out. You are doing super great and well, surely we are all a bit crazy :) nothing is wrong with you, I am sure you will be as drooly and excited as the next person once you meet your little tyke.
ReplyDeleteYou've been conditioned to expect the worst. It makes sense that you have a hard time believing that this will actually work out for you. Just make sure you have the basics and you can worry about the nesting and connecting later. To be honest, I didn't feel this immense love when I had my son. I felt like I needed to protect and care for him, but the love part grew as we got out of the difficult stages of early parenthood (which was hard for us for a number of reasons...terrible labor, baby didn't sleep, breastfeeding problems, and generally not knowing what the heck we were doing). If I were you, I would look into getting a post-birth doula to help you with the transition if your family won't be here. Good things can happen to you. Not just bad. (Runningmama from More Room in my Heart)
ReplyDeleteHooray for reaching 30 weeks! I think you will probably feel that connection once your little one arrives. Best wishes!
ReplyDeleteYou and your uterus are amazing! Keep up the good work!
ReplyDeleteCongrats! That is such good news.
ReplyDeleteI'm so happy to hear you are in the 30s now :) I hope things continue to go well.
ReplyDeleteI think Anonymous/RunningMama said it best. But here's my two cents.
ReplyDeleteTry not to put extra pressure on yourself to feel a certain way. Feel what you are feeling right now, and then feel what you feel when the kiddo is here. I agree that you should make sure you have some good support for you when your baby is born, but other than that try not to over-anticipate.
hey there, ebc....just checking out your blog...it's been a while. glad to see that you're little UU is tropper. this one is meant to be. i hope soon you can relax and enjoy because when the baby comes relaxing won't be an option! :) a fellow uu-er thinking of you and wishing you well.
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