Like many others I'm sure, I feel there are seasons to life. Not just mood changes during the day, but longer periods of time when I crave different things. Some are more social seasons--I just want to be around people, and I hate being alone. My current season is the opposite--it is a season of isolation--well, in being isolated with DH. I'm not depressed. I've been depressed, and this feels totally different. I still have great interest in doing things...just in doing them only with DH. I still have very joyful moments. I still want to get out of bed each day to tackle various activities. This feels not so much like I want to crawl in a hole, but more that I just want to pull inside of my marriage, pull up the draw bridges and keep others far for now. I guess it's the same thing, maybe just a more positive versus negative connotation.
I've tried to figure out why I have no desire to seek out social functions or accept invitations. I think part of it is the heat. I am not a hot weather person, especially when walking everywhere is my main mood of transportation. Part of it is my dog's failing health (we were on an up swing...that ended a few days ago when he took a nose dive hip-wise).
Mostly though, I think it's the fact that all through our IF treatments, I was very open with everyone around me for the most part. Not so much as we did more and more IVF cycles in terms of cycle status details, but still very proactively talkative about it all (oh my gosh, the number of people in the world that know I have half of a uterus...I know I told way too many people way more than they wanted to know). I guess I sort of feel that I was so open about all of that very private stuff that I just want to be very private about this side of journey now. After having our marriage, our sex life, my cycles, my periods, my body, his collections, his fluids allllll on display for mulitple medical teams...well, it's time to take us off display.
This has manifested itself in a few ways.
First of all, I hate talking to people, especially random people or acquaintances out in public. After suffering through many overly talkative preg persons over the years, I very much don't want to be that to someone else around me. And selfishly, I don't want to hear their well intentioned but usually misplaced comments (Of course you can have sex during pregnancy...you're doc is wrong (unsaid: even though my law degree has taught me nothing about your medical situation or high risk pregnancy). So, I won't bring up the preg or the kid, and if asked anything, I try to vaguely and quickly answering before asking the person something about them to change the topic. Most of the questions are:
1) How are you? Doing fine, thanks.
2) Do you know what you're having? A child. Should we choose to find out, it will be for us to know. Not my mother and especially not you, sweet random stranger. Because again, we are talking about something inside of me. And my insides are now off limits.
3) Oooh, is this your first? It's the first time we've made it this far. (Note, this is not said in an effort to ellicit sympathy...this is my personal way of honoring what we've been through, not forgetting our first babies-the triplets, and trying to "normalize" pregnancy loss in society so others can feel more comfortable about it if need be.
Second of all, I really really hate being asked for updates by those closer to me. Again, this feels so intrusive about something that is so personal to me. It's even worse when those who were not at all interested in our IVF cycles (read: my mother) seem to have decided to show up to my medical life now that the party is gettin' good. Sure, I'm glad she's excited. But I don't feel like being all gushy-preg talking with her now. Or with anyone. My best friends and family are quite annoyed with my lack of offering constant updates, symptom complaining and especially with my lack of offering ultrasound and bump pictures (none have been taken of the bump and the u/s ones are of my insides, so yeah, those are private), and they are all about to fall over themselves with frustration at our lack of gender reveal. Again, we are talking about my insides. And that topic is officially off limits. So, please people, get another hobby.
I'm really not trying to be a jerk. But I just can't open myself and my marriage and our private journey up again. I just can't. Not when I know they care but are also just plain curious ("What do you look like?!?!" Google 20 weeks....I'm sure there are bump pics you can examine. "How will I know what to buy it?? I need to know the gender so I can go shopping for it??" No, no you don't. I like yellow and green. And I hate lots of baby clutter. We live in 700square feet. You do not need a head start. Plus, nothing baby is coming in the apt until said baby comes in the apt.).
Of course, my behavior and lack of wanting to spend every.waking.moment discussing this kid that could still not make it home has been interpreted by my grandmother as, "Does she (me) even want this baby?". Yes, yes, that's what she said to my mom a few nights ago. Now, I don't totally fault my grandmother for this comment. She's old and we all know you can say whatever hurtful crap you want when you're past 85. Sure, it sucks, but we all put up with it for the most part because telling off grandma is a quick pass to hell. So, fine, say whatever you want behind my back. Who I do fault for this comment finding my ears, though, is my mother. She should know better than to pass along something that would be hurtful to any IF'er. What the heck was she thinking telling me this was said. Needless to say, that total lack of judgement, along with her own slightly more indirect questioning regarding my excitement level since I don't oooze pregnancy complaints around the clock has more or less cut her off of any details I am willing to divulge.
I'm not on display anymore. I will guard myself and my family against as many sucky comments as possible. And I will no longer discuss the details of what's going on inside of me.
But maybe...maybe this is just my justification for wanting to be left alone with my DH (who is finally home more often after years of overworking) to quietly and calmly enjoy each other and day we make it further, while savoring time with my best fur buddy. Maybe this isn't normal? Maybe I should be passing around pics, buying billboards to announce updates and which variety we are having. I mean, I feel excited, though cautiously so, and do some browsing for a few things I'd like to get for it even buying a couple of things as we hit milestones, and dream of how the three of us will spend our time together...but maybe the lack of public display of preg ooze really is a sign I'm not truly excited and I don't even know it. I mean, I haven't been through that much in terms of pregnancy loss, I didn't go through IVF to get this far this time, and while I am realistically high risk, things are going okay so far...so maybe I really need to get off some invisible soap box and act "normal"??
If I feel fine and excited but everyone else says I'm not....who is right?
Thoughts, insight, arguments are welcome by anyone who read this far.
First of all, however you feel and whatever you want to do while you're pregnant is normal for you. It doesn't matter if other people think it's "normal" or not, all that matters is it feels right for you.
ReplyDeleteI would say, though, that if you were sharing a lot of your struggle with others and telling them a lot about what when on inside your body, and now you've decided that your insides are off limits, it might be hard for them to understand. If you didn't mind sharing it before they might not get why you don't want to share now, when it's a happy thing to share. I'm not saying that means you should share, but I think it's asking a lot to not understand why people are hoping that you would. I would try to explain that for you, right now, this is what feels comfortable and ask them to please respect that. If they don't, that is their problem but I I wouldn't judge them for that. It sounds, from your post, like you pulled a complete 180 about what you're willing to share. Maybe I'm reading your post wrong though.
I hope you can find a place where you and your family and friends all feel respected. If that place can't be found, you need to do what is right for you.
Good luck!
This is a really great, thought-provoking posts, and it brought up a lot of responses in me.
ReplyDeleteFirst and foremost, I think it is normal. I'm to the point now (12w, good NT scan) where I will tell people in person when and if it must come up. No announcements, nothing like that, but for example when I went to happy hour the other day with two good friends/soccer teammates, who know about my losses, and I didn't order a drink. So I just told them. And they immediately got really excited and wanted to talk about baby stuff. And I just didn't. I appreciate their love and support and excitement, and I'm actually really grateful for their excitement. I'm grateful for it because it's so very difficult for me to share in it. I'm grateful that I have people in my life who can be giddy and excited about this when I can't.
Everyone's IF/loss situation is different. With your uterus, late pregnancy is really your danger zone. So it's natural for you to continue to be more reserved about the pregnancy for longer than, say, someone with only early losses would be. And I say that as someone with only early losses. While I doubt I'll ever feel at ease and really convinced of this pregnancy, I'm sure that at 20w, I'll feel less ill at ease and more convinced than you feel at 20w. We're all convinced the piper is behind us, just waiting to be paid. The difference is the piper is chasing you farther and he's not slowing down.
I think Esperanza brings up a good point that people with whom you've been so open may be taken aback at your lack of openness now. Maybe you can pre-plan short, honest, to-the-point answers to their questions. The God's honest truth is, you're in for 20 more weeks (hopefullyhopefullyhopefully) of people saying stuff and asking you stuff. For people you're closer to, maybe explain why you aren't all babybabybaby all the time, and for everyone else, give them canned, prepared answers.
I do think an important silver lining to take from this is what I mentioned before about people being excited and happy when you just can't. Let them be excited and giddy and over the moon for you - for you as in because of your pregnancy, and for you as in surrogate happy-makers. Be grateful that while you're still unable to, someone out there is shooting out all the good, happy, positive juju into the universe for you.
I'm truncating this here because I'm being dragged to dinner (I know, such a burden) with my husband and some friends of his. But thank you for this post. It was really, really great.
I feel like I need to start off with an apology. I went through a busy time, a depressed time, where I just quit reading blogs where people were pregnant. I was happy for them, but just needed a little time, a little space. So now I'm back! I'm not sure if it's because I finally got back to ICLW or what, I kind of doubt I'm any less depressed, but I'm back at a place where I can be happy for the pregnant women.
ReplyDeleteThat said... I agree with the above comments that if I was one of your friends or family members I would be a tad confused. But reading your reasoning on here, it makes absolute sense that you need you space right now.
As people I know become pregnant, and these "stereotypical" questions come up, I have thought about why we ask them. (how are you, what are you having, when are you due, what are your symptoms etc) As for me, I feel like I asked in as a way of showing my interest. I didn't mean to ever pressure the couple to share information they didn't want to, but more in an attempt to open the floor for them to share what they wanted. Understandably, repeated comments and questions are annoying. (I have about 3-5 questions/comments that get repeated to me every time I walk my dogs. It makes me want to wait until after dark to walk them so stupid people stop saying things they think are clever that are far from clever) And tone is everything, so if people are harsh in their questioning I understand getting upset. But try to consider that perhaps some people are just wanting to reach out, express their love and support.
I promise to do a better job of keeping up with your blog. I still think about the blankie you made for me. I hope some day I can do something similarly heartwarming for you!
I very much feel this way, too. I don't want to gush about the pregnancy...or compare notes with others that I know are pregnant...because NONE of them (except the IF veterans such as yourself) have similar pregnancies. Their pregnancies started with hope and oblivion...and this pregnancy...was started weary from the beginning. I can't be that happy gushing pregnant woman. I've too much to lose. Don't worry about what other people think about your reaction to all you have been through. You are doing the best you can.
ReplyDeleteI identify with a lot of the things you are saying. So, I'd say "normal" --when I was pregnant, it was always VERY hard for me to talk about being pregnant or get happy about it and esp. for others to say happy things. I couldn't go there in my mind and I told people to cool it and that all I wanted to talk about was the next appt.
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