I hate IF urban legends, therefore...

...I hate me. For you. For me even. Urban legends give false hope and/or soul stabbing outcomes to fellow IF'ers.

Unfortunately, though, I seem to be one. A

After all we've been through, I find myself very gratefully unexpectedly five weeks pregnant, with two good looking betas and an u/s next Tuesday. The doc credits the repeat HSG and maybe the gluten free eating in case you're wondering.

Whatever the reason though, like I said, I hate me for you all and I would unfollow me for you if I could.

And if you say it's because I deserve this, I'll unfollow you, because we all deserve this.

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Regardless of how this all turns out, for as long as it lasts, this blog will talk about my pregnancy. I will not complain about it. Not a moment or a symptom. I will be the happiest, vomiting person on the planet. If I'm not, you have my every blessing to spam my comments section with hateful comebacks and immediately block me from your world. But I will positively document what's going on for my own sake because I want to live gratefully in every moment (no, I won't say that IF'ers can't complain...I just choose not to for everyone's sake involved). Also, you will not see pictures on here. I just can't bring myself to do that to anyone able to stick around. That's just crossing a line in my world (not judging others, just telling you where I stand for me).


As for my plea yesterday, I try to approach life how I would want to be treated--for me, reading things that pop up without warning is just plain awful, while suspecting that's what's coming isn't as bad--thus, I offered a warning to run while you could so you wouldn't have to see it in writing if you couldn't and/or didn't want to. Because if I were me reading this, I wouldn't be able to handle it. So I wouldn't fault you at all if you hit unfollow (or if you already have...but then you wouldn't have read this far...but either way, I still won't fault you). Like I said up there, I hate urban legends. They are torture to a veteran IF'ers soul. So, as I asked yesterday, please unfollow me for your own sake.

For those who are at a point in their own journey where they don't totally want to claw my eyes out and kick me repeatedly and thus choose to stick around, I stand in humble awe of you, as you are doing something I know I couldn't do because it would just be too painful.

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Whether this is my last post you read or not, I want to thank you for your support up to this point. You all are amazing at the kindness you bestow through your comments and shared hopes and frustration. If you're leaving me now, I desperately wish you peace and hope you get your a happily ever after, whatever the ends up looking like for you, sooner than later.

Using my addiction for good (edited)

(edited in italics because it occurred to me that I had accidentally left out my blog buddies who are still waiting for any sort of chance at bring home kiddo...so sorry for that oversight...I blame IF brain that takes years to clear)

First off, thanks for the kind words and excitement over my first creation. You all are so wonderful!! I've found that it is such a fun thing (fun now...never was fun before to me) to watch yarn go from just a ball to something basically wearable. 

And, so, I must admit....I'm totally addicted to knitting. And I am totally going to feed that addiction with the piles and piles of stashed yarn my mom and grandmother have accumulated (I'm just hoping they send it to me a little at a time, not boxes at a time). Realistically, though, there are only so many knitted items my family needs (what, not every dishes needs it's own knitted sleeve, and my uncle doesn't need a different scarf for each day of winter....darn). I plan to do a few personal projects (like another cowl attempt), and maybe even a couple of things for my et.sty store, but I'd like to also use this addiction for good. 

Since a ton of us (way, way too many) have lost embabies, early babies, too soon born babies, should have been okay babies, almost made it home but fell through kiddos, and still waiting for any sort of  kiddo during our own journeys, I've been trying to figure out how to help/bless others along this journey with this new found hobby of mine. While I thought about knitted u/s drapes, as those paper ones are just about worthless, I quickly decided that no one wants to get that comfortable on this journey to actually require a permanent woo-ha viewing cover-up. Therefore, here's what I've come up with, that is actually useful and appropriate--if anyone might be interested, I would love to knit a small blanket, in the colors of your choosing, and donate it in honor and memory of your kiddos who didn't get to come home with you or who aren't here yet even as a memory, along with a note should you want to include one to encourage, support, share anything that helped you and in general just love on whomever receives the blanket.

As far someone to accept these donations, right now I'm thinking of having the option of two different places--one for babies born sleeping and one for babies/kiddos awaiting adoption. For the babies born sleeping, I found an organization called Forever Warm. From their website, "Forever Warm was created to provide parents of stillborn children with a blanket that they can wrap their children in for pictures and/or burial.  Parents are also given the choice to keep the blanket as a personal keepsake to remember their child." Though my babies never made it far enough along to be born sleeping, I've read so many of your blogs who have had to endure and somehow survive such an experience so I like the idea of trying to help families going through this. I know some of you had your own blankets, but I'm guessing not everyone does and that to be able to take home or use for burial a non-hospital blanket would be a little more comforting in such a horrible situation. Thus, I love what this organization is doing, though unfortunately, they aren't nation wide yet. I'm still trying to find a way to get blankets to an international orphanage that could use them (I hope this is do-able), as I know adoption is a part of many IF blogger journeys both as sad outcomes and joyful endings, maybe even mine in the future (note: if any of you are involved with an orphanage overseas where your kiddo is currently staying and they could use blankets, let me know please). 

Color-wise, I know I have variegated pastel (pink, yellow, turquoise), white, cream, raspberry, variegated royal (raspberry, turquoise, golden yellow) coming to me, but trust me...whatever color you would want...my family has squirreled away somewhere hidden from the husbands and would happily send it my way!

To request a blanket, all you have to do is email me at ebc.adoption (at) gmail (dot) com with your color choices. I'll get my needles a knitting and email you a picture when it's done before I ship it off. You may also include a note if you'd like. And just to clarify--I will supply the yarn, the knitting and the shipping--all you have to do is request one!

So...that's my idea. Thoughts? Comments? Ideas? Requests?

Still here...still not doing IVF

I'm around. I've been lurking, commenting some. I have basically nothing to say IF related--we BD'd our best this month according to CM, though it seemed to have made it's debut later than usual (though I thought I also saw it a few days ago and usually it only lasts for two days...so I'm confused and have made the husband play all week just in case). Cycle may still be screwed up from the drugs, or just screwed up from life. I think I'm going to ovulated around d17 (tomorrow...way late for me), so we'll see. I have this odd, stupid, unrealistic hope, probably just b/c we had the HSG done. That was normal--my single tube was nice an open (Side note: my doc rocked it...no pain, didn't even know he had started...after pealing me off the ceiling while screaming the first time (different doc), I about cried from relief this time). Anyways. So, it's not like that would realistically change our chances, but I still feel hopeful, especially because/in spite of, this month being our 4 year anniversary of TTC. Wow, what a hellish 4 years since naively announcing to our family we were going to start trying for a baby (stupid, stupid, stupid).

So, yeah, besides loading up on pineapple (once an IF'er...always an IF'er), I'm staying busy with non-IF activities! I'm still dancing and loving it...such a fun, freeing workout! I don't think about anything besides being in the moment during class...such a nice escape! I'm also learning to knit (for when I danced too hard and can't walk the next class). Not crap baby blankets (though, universe, I am happy to start should you give me a reason...hint hint). I've tried to learn before from my mother. It always ended in me throwing the needles across the room saying, I'll just go buy a blanket/scarf/wash rag. Anyways, given my high load of recent stress, I held little hope for this attempt from a patience standpoint, except I'm learning from someone-not-my-mother with a group of others. And, I have to say, whether it's that or whether I need the repetition of something that I can get better at, I love it this time! I'm totally addicted. I actually do find it quite calming. Plus, I've got a couple of cute patterns I can't wait to try (I still have two out of three classes left so it'll be a bit) and yes, some of the patterns are for kiddos, but they are cute knitted toys. And I do have somethings already for our someday kid, so I'm okay with trying adding some of my own knitted toys to my hope chest. Others are not for kids...they are just cute fun things for me (knitted felted flowers to put on a knitted beret, etc).

So, I guess that's what's going on here. Enjoying the warmer weather, enjoying the weeks without clinic visits and enjoying new hobbies and interest....yeah, life after IVF is life.

Back at the beginning...sort of

Three-ish years ago, at the beginning of our infertility medical treatment endeavor, we underwent an HSG and SA, like most infertility patients do. Insert three years of failed treatments, three lost heartbeats, a large slice of hell on earth, and oh, look, we are back undergoing an HSG and SA next week. Wait, I think my head just exploded from whipping back around to square one after all that.

It's the same thing from the beginning...but different because we are at the end...or a new beginning I suppose. Because this time, we know the doc (which will be my RE because he absolutely insisted it be no one else after all I've been through) needs to take a sharp left turn with that catheter....which we didn't know last time (insert loads of pain and four sets of metal devices from aiming straight back...you won't find my cervix straight back...you'll find a vagina I supposed that really doesn't want anything to do with accepting a catheter). It's also different this time because the SA is being done as a last ditch look at the husband's ever-wavering counts, with a large dose of hope that his fluke good counts from last summer are back and his crap counts from this winter were actually the fluke. And finally, it's different because the entire point is to establish that my single tube is still open and ready for insemination...either with the husband's borderline swimmers (assuming they are at least) or with some stranger's adopted Y-genes (which is okay too, because those come with a large dose of hope too, which we really don't have for an IUI with our own parts anymore).

Of course, we were splashed with a bit of cold water when talking with the doc today, as he mentioned that while he fully believes my fluke (see a trend) cycle last month of a "mature" egg on day3, ov on day6 and 21d cycle was related to the IVF drugs from the month before...there is a slight chance that my eggs/cycle actually are now (like overnight??) dysfunctional. I however refuse to believe that as I have always been regular and ovulated around d11 with 25-28d cycles. I realize that's a bit early and short...but it's still normal enough for an IUI. If last month's fluke cycle is my new normal (f-u universe, by the way...crap eggs and menopause at 29?!? Really?!?!), then an IUI is out. Which puts us doing nothing at all.

For now though, I'm not waisting my worrying energy on the possibility of dysfunctional eggs/cycle or menopause at 29. Not yet at least. Instead, we look forward to a repeat HSG and SA next week...with high-ish hopes for an open tube and amazingly good counts.