Warning: This is a downer post, feel free to turn away and come back on a better day. I'll totally understand. But, no IRL friends could begin to comprehend this, and might not even want to hear it either (and getting up and walking away during coffee is way more obvious than closing this little screen, so they'd be stuck), so anyways, that's why it's going on here.
Disclaimer: Sweet Mr.ebc reinforces none of my self-conceived notions about myself or my lack of value to the world. In fact, he would adamantly argue against them, so just know that.
I can't do IVF again. I just don't think I have it in me. I'm tired in every way possible. I am a shell of who I was 10 years ago. And a bitter, sad one at that. I just exist now. I have no purpose, no future goals and no mojo. I quit my crazy stressful job to do IVF and don't have the energy or time thanks to ongoing IVF cycles (hi, thanks for hiring me, now I'll be taking random days off with no notice) to return to anything, even if I could find someone to overlook that year and a half maternity leave without a baby to show for it gap. More than that though, my training is in the helping/behavioral sciences profession, but honestly, I can't deal with and resolve my own problems, let alone someone else's. In my mind, people either work or raise children. I do neither. I'm not even that good of a "housewife". So, I feel utterly useless to society and to Mr.ebc (this is where that disclaimer comes in)--I can't give him income, children or regularly clean laundry. And, I have no goals anymore in the future to change this. I'd love to travel. But we still have to pay for family building. And even if we didn't, we have to pay off family building. I'd love to learn something new--photography maybe or ???. But can't find the energy to even make that possible. I'm sitting here with my mom's old film camera and a book that should be able to teach me how to use the damn thing. And it absolutely overwhelms me. Everything new overwhelms me. This isn't me. I use to love challenges and learning new things. Now, I just sit here. I'd love to be active again--bike riding, rock climbing, dancing--but it all takes money that needs to go towards family building or debt or that I just plain feel bad spending since I bring nothing in (disclaimer moment again) and some of those activities aren't the best for times of IVF, so again, I do nothing.
I guess it's good I can at least recognize my mojo is MIA. But I have no idea how to get it back. Something has to change though because just existing is not really existing. Whether we continue treatments, approach adoption or find childless peace, there has to be a better way to get through this than the empty life I'm currently living.
Open to ideas and suggestions if you read this far.
You so effectively describe some of the worst losses of IF--the loss of purpose and drive, of a sense of self and self-worth, as this single goal consumes everything else. I'm sorry you're feeling so stuck. I often feel that way too. I am a freelance writer, but over the past 4 years I've lost so much time to treatments, despair over bad news, preparing adoption paperwork--and also good things, like parenting our son after adoption or now, battling morning sickness in my new DE pregnancy. But I feel guilty over losing work time to positive things even more than feeling listless when the news is bad, because if I've finally gotten what I want, shouldn't I be energized, shouldn't everything be perfect? IF drains so much from us. I hope you can find your way back to some of what you've lost, or on to something new, in time. Wishing you well.
ReplyDeleteOh, EBC, this is so heartbreaking, but so, so understandable. We sacrifice so much to sometimes accomplish so little. We live in a world where hard work and dedication are supposed to pay off, not be futile. That's one of the things that is so hard to accept about IF and loss - at the end of the day, no matter what we do, none of this is in our hands.
ReplyDeleteI don't really have much advice, aside from start small. Find one thing to do or learn to do or commit yourself to. Something small, something simple, and build up from there. The hardest thing about losing your motivation due to failure, is you need that motivation back to start succeeding, but you can't really get the motivation (or the belief in yourself) until you start succeeding at something. So pick something small, something doable. And just know that it *will* get better. I don't believe time heals all wounds - that's bull. But time at least dulls the ache, and you WILL find yourself again one day. And I think that deciding what you do and do not have it in you to do from here forward in your IF journey is an important step towards putting you on that path, because the uncertainty is what has been holding you back.
Bug, huge hugs and I'm glad that you are married to Mr.ebc. He sounds like a swell guy.
All too familiar feelings. :( I'm so sorry things are the way they are. It's something nobody deserves.
ReplyDeleteAs silly as it sounds, we decided to be a little 'irresponsible' for a moment and I think it helped us. We bought a new motorcycle when we knew that $ should go to the adoption fund. We needed it though. It was something for US and something that had no connection what-so-ever to IF/Adoption. I think all too often living is put on hold for IF/Adoption. We're afraid to 'jinx' ourselves. Even though we did our irresponsible purchase we still have work to do to find our peace and mojo and all that. So I guess the only 'advice' (I hate that word. haha) I have is to throw caution to the wind for a little bit and you 2 do something for yourselves that is unrelated to IF. You and your hubs seem awesome.. you deserve the best.
*HUGS*
And it's a damn shame we don't live by each other. I'm dying to get out on my mountain bike. (something I also stopped about the time we started TTC)
I wish I could give you a glib answer, but I will tell you that I feel that same way. I wake up empty, drudge through my days. I think the best thing for you to do would be to establish a routine and hold yourself to it. Get up, go to the gym, sign up for classes...anything that will FORCE you to engage with life and realize theat there is life outside of infertility. You are living the only life you have right now and this part sucks, but you don't have to make the whole of it suck. And, maybe now is the time to consider other means to having a baby. I'm working on the donor egg process. Something I never thought I would have to face at 32, but I just can't keep doing these emotional and awful procedures anymore that are sucking the life out of me.
ReplyDeleteSmall steps...that's all I can say...and it won't be as hard or as bad as you think.
I'm so sorry you're going through this :-( I can understand where you are coming from. This journey takes SO much out of you. It sucks the life out of you! It's a wonder any of us can function. Sometimes I don't even want to get out of bed. It's okay to feel this way, but I sure hope it gets better for you. It's hard to be stuck in that bad place. Sending hugs. Just try to take it one day at a time.
ReplyDeleteOh, I'm so with you xx We give up so much to dedicate everything to our goal of a family and, when it doesn't happen, what do we do next? I'm at an earlier stage in the process and have not been through as many trials and struggles as you, but I also gave up work to pursue treatment and the thought of going back to work if this doesn't happen terrifies me. When and how could I ever make that decision?
ReplyDeleteSorry - I know that's not really helping.. I agree with RunningMama that forcing yourself into a new routine really will help... I've just started boot camp, yoga and pilates - if I can't be gorgeously fat and pregnant, I will be thin and gorgeous.. well, something like that ;)
And if you want to share housewife stories, just let me know xx
Oh hon, this is all so hard.
ReplyDeleteBut remember: this is not a dressed rehearsal. You have so much value--do not let lack of accomplishing "things" get in the way of seeing that. I like the idea ofa routine, and I also like the idea of volunteering somewhere. I know it sounds cliche, but sometimes getting outside of yourself and giving back somewhere helps...just a thought.
HAng in there.
This is so tough. Although I can recognize the lack of motivation I'm also just in the beginning. Having some sort of daily routine helps me, since I don't work right now. I have looked into volunteering and different courses to make something more of the waiting time. Hugs.
ReplyDeleteThe blog ate my comment....honest!
ReplyDeleteEBC, I just sweated over a response to this post as what you express here really resonates with me, then *poof* my comment was gone!
Suffice to say, you need to give yourself greater credit for all you have survived during ttc. That is not mere "existing", it is proof positive that you have been able to call upon a variety of skills that have kept you from becoming a shivering mess sitting in a corner somewhere!
IVF is overwhelming. No two ways about it! But your old EBC is still there somewhere, and when things are less stressful, the new model will emerge - the EBC who is endured much and still has something to offer.
It is okay to feel overwhelmed..IVF does that to a gal....but I promise it won't be your permanent condition!
LS x