3.27.2011
CD1...now what??
So, for the first time, in like 4 years, I'm on CD1 with no idea what's next. Maybe nothing. Maybe nothing related to counting freaking cycle days. And that's ok. Either way, I guess I'm excited, albeit a little lost though. Part of me, the really really delusional part, feels like the last 4 years were just this really awful nightmare, and I have this crazy desire to say to sweet husband, hey baby, want to make a baby, and in a month or two, we'll be knocked up. I know, I know...this makes NO sense. I have no idea where this idiotic idea comes from given our history. Anyways, since that is absolutely not going to happen, I am just going to enjoy the lack of counting our new life calls for and relax until our next step seems clear.
3.23.2011
Just to clarify
Thank you again for the continued support and fabulous comments. Above that though, thank you for taking time to read and really consider my posts. That means the world to me. You all are the best, seriously.
I did want to clarify, though, that although one day we were still planning to pursue another ivf cycle, the next we declared we were done, and the next I was a bit more upbeat about having a life and our few options....please know that this situation, the one where we don't have a biological child related to both of us, has been something that has been so far out of grasp all along, that I long ago began to try to come to terms with the very real possibility of ivf not working at all. Two years ago they determined I had diminished ovarian reserve and the husband had crap swimmers. So, while it appears from the last few posts, it was all overnight decisions, it wasn't. Yes, declaring our doneness with ivf was an overnight decision technically, but it's something that we have thoroughly discussed before--honestly, we were done after #4, but only tried #5 because we had a brand new clinic with a pioneering protocol and insurance coverage (that's being resubmitted for review) for the first time ever. We had great hopes, yes, but were not surprised when it was the same single egg failure the past three had been. Jumping ship from further ivf's after everything is difficult, in some ways, but in more ways it's far far easier than trying again. Being able to come together and agree that we have tried and are now going to try something different has been refreshing...thus the improved outlook "overnight"--just the freedom to have a life, a marriage and try something totally different is exciting in the midst of and over and above acknowledging our doneness with ivf. Finally, I'm not saying this is the correct path for everyone--some should keep trying and some should probably not try ivf at all...like us...I think it all comes down to what you're willing to put on the line for what you want (that mental/emotional stuff), as well as the results you are seeing (the good ole' medical stuff). I do not at all think multiple IVF attempts for some are a bad thing...I think multiple IVF attempts for us and our situation was a bad thing. Just to clarify.
I did want to clarify, though, that although one day we were still planning to pursue another ivf cycle, the next we declared we were done, and the next I was a bit more upbeat about having a life and our few options....please know that this situation, the one where we don't have a biological child related to both of us, has been something that has been so far out of grasp all along, that I long ago began to try to come to terms with the very real possibility of ivf not working at all. Two years ago they determined I had diminished ovarian reserve and the husband had crap swimmers. So, while it appears from the last few posts, it was all overnight decisions, it wasn't. Yes, declaring our doneness with ivf was an overnight decision technically, but it's something that we have thoroughly discussed before--honestly, we were done after #4, but only tried #5 because we had a brand new clinic with a pioneering protocol and insurance coverage (that's being resubmitted for review) for the first time ever. We had great hopes, yes, but were not surprised when it was the same single egg failure the past three had been. Jumping ship from further ivf's after everything is difficult, in some ways, but in more ways it's far far easier than trying again. Being able to come together and agree that we have tried and are now going to try something different has been refreshing...thus the improved outlook "overnight"--just the freedom to have a life, a marriage and try something totally different is exciting in the midst of and over and above acknowledging our doneness with ivf. Finally, I'm not saying this is the correct path for everyone--some should keep trying and some should probably not try ivf at all...like us...I think it all comes down to what you're willing to put on the line for what you want (that mental/emotional stuff), as well as the results you are seeing (the good ole' medical stuff). I do not at all think multiple IVF attempts for some are a bad thing...I think multiple IVF attempts for us and our situation was a bad thing. Just to clarify.
3.22.2011
thanks you and loose ends
First off....a humble thank you for the support last night. You all are amazing...you get it and say that or don't totally get it but don't say that. Serious kuddos to stepping up with some fabulous comments full of empathy and sympathy (or for not judging and keeping your fingers still).
Today, both the husband and I agreed that we felt a bit free-er than we have in a long time. That's a good feeling people, it really is! Sure, we're scared and unsure because we don't know what the next step is, but we are as peaceful as possible about it not being another IVF cycle. Last night, we started to talk about what do we do now. IVF has been our life...and now it's time we get a different one. We've discussed sperm donor, and that's very much a viable route, especially financially. In all honesty, though, pregnancy terrifies me (confirmed again by the feelings of total fear as my BF went into labor yesterday), but there are aspects of "that" I'd miss. We also discussed adoption again. Financially, this is not an option for at least the remainder of 2011 (but we have *time* as we only turn 30 and 35 this year). When it does become an option financially, though, we are becoming more open to international adoption for the first time. Maybe even a sibling group. I don't know, it's just the beginning of my mind going in that direction, so we'll see, but for now, that idea kind of excites me (in my idealized brain world that is...which I know isn't the real world).
For the immediate future though, and our lovely spring, we are focused on living and reconnecting (that's a cheesy word...basically I mean spending quality time together doing fun things outside and having lots of sex...maybe also outside ;) )
Today, both the husband and I agreed that we felt a bit free-er than we have in a long time. That's a good feeling people, it really is! Sure, we're scared and unsure because we don't know what the next step is, but we are as peaceful as possible about it not being another IVF cycle. Last night, we started to talk about what do we do now. IVF has been our life...and now it's time we get a different one. We've discussed sperm donor, and that's very much a viable route, especially financially. In all honesty, though, pregnancy terrifies me (confirmed again by the feelings of total fear as my BF went into labor yesterday), but there are aspects of "that" I'd miss. We also discussed adoption again. Financially, this is not an option for at least the remainder of 2011 (but we have *time* as we only turn 30 and 35 this year). When it does become an option financially, though, we are becoming more open to international adoption for the first time. Maybe even a sibling group. I don't know, it's just the beginning of my mind going in that direction, so we'll see, but for now, that idea kind of excites me (in my idealized brain world that is...which I know isn't the real world).
For the immediate future though, and our lovely spring, we are focused on living and reconnecting (that's a cheesy word...basically I mean spending quality time together doing fun things outside and having lots of sex...maybe also outside ;) )
3.21.2011
We are done with IVF
(sorry to post such a downer of a post during ICLW...but blogs are about life, usually in real time,,,those new to IVF might want to skip this post...it doesn't have a "this was all worth it" ending...and I'd hate to scare you away based on my single bad experience...then again, maybe a little fair-warning isn't a bad thing, who knows, maybe that would have helped us....either way, consider this a disclaimer)
Today, we got our insurance statements...there's been a huge mix up and at this time they have declined to cover any of our IVF #5 (new insurance, new clinic). We were told multiple times they would cover 50% or 90% (different answer each time, but each time was one of those). We have it in writing, not that that matters. We are relatively confident (as confident as one can get in dealing with insur companies) that this is a mix up only because they covered 1/6 monitoring appts at 50%, but for the same exact charges for 3 monitoring appts before and 2 after the covered date, they covered nothing, stating that our plan does not cover fertility treatments. Tomorrow, I will spend the day fighting through the bureaucracy of HR and the insur company to attempt to sort this out.
All that to say....we are exhausted and done. Even if this should get all worked out and covered at 90%, we are done. Maybe natural cycle IVF would work. Maybe standing on my head for a month straight would work. Maybe eating the exact combination of ant larvae and fertilized dirt would work. I have no idea. I've tried some version of all those options though, and all I have to show for it is a crap mental stability, crap marriage, nonexistent sex life, nonexistent career....oh....and empty arms. So, yeah, we are done. If I'm meant to be a parent, God/Mother Nature/the Universe are just going to have to find another way besides IVF to get me there.
(insert beginning disclaimer statement) The saddest part is, looking back, both the husband and I agree that if we had it to again, we wouldn't do it. Maybe we'd feel different with a take home baby outcome, but given our outcome, we absolutely regret our IF treatment decisions. Some can claim that IVF has made them a stronger couple, better people....we don't claim that. IVF has brought us to the brink of separation and utter crisis more often than not and we would be better together and individually if we had not fought through it. If we could go back 18 months, we would not even start down the IVF route. We'd take the 5% chance the doc gave us to get through the procedure, and say thanks for the IVF option, but no thanks....we would not think twice about jumping off this crazy train before it even started moving. If we'd done that, we'd still have money to adopt or travel. Instead, we have three maxed out credit cards that serve as yet another monthly reminder that we have no child or vacation home in Paris or Tahiti even after everything we've survived.
Regret--expensive, life destroying regret--blows. At least we are done though.
How's that for a sobbering take on IVF....remember, I warned you...and remember, I am only one person with one outcome, so please recognize that as I do.
Today, we got our insurance statements...there's been a huge mix up and at this time they have declined to cover any of our IVF #5 (new insurance, new clinic). We were told multiple times they would cover 50% or 90% (different answer each time, but each time was one of those). We have it in writing, not that that matters. We are relatively confident (as confident as one can get in dealing with insur companies) that this is a mix up only because they covered 1/6 monitoring appts at 50%, but for the same exact charges for 3 monitoring appts before and 2 after the covered date, they covered nothing, stating that our plan does not cover fertility treatments. Tomorrow, I will spend the day fighting through the bureaucracy of HR and the insur company to attempt to sort this out.
All that to say....we are exhausted and done. Even if this should get all worked out and covered at 90%, we are done. Maybe natural cycle IVF would work. Maybe standing on my head for a month straight would work. Maybe eating the exact combination of ant larvae and fertilized dirt would work. I have no idea. I've tried some version of all those options though, and all I have to show for it is a crap mental stability, crap marriage, nonexistent sex life, nonexistent career....oh....and empty arms. So, yeah, we are done. If I'm meant to be a parent, God/Mother Nature/the Universe are just going to have to find another way besides IVF to get me there.
(insert beginning disclaimer statement) The saddest part is, looking back, both the husband and I agree that if we had it to again, we wouldn't do it. Maybe we'd feel different with a take home baby outcome, but given our outcome, we absolutely regret our IF treatment decisions. Some can claim that IVF has made them a stronger couple, better people....we don't claim that. IVF has brought us to the brink of separation and utter crisis more often than not and we would be better together and individually if we had not fought through it. If we could go back 18 months, we would not even start down the IVF route. We'd take the 5% chance the doc gave us to get through the procedure, and say thanks for the IVF option, but no thanks....we would not think twice about jumping off this crazy train before it even started moving. If we'd done that, we'd still have money to adopt or travel. Instead, we have three maxed out credit cards that serve as yet another monthly reminder that we have no child or vacation home in Paris or Tahiti even after everything we've survived.
Regret--expensive, life destroying regret--blows. At least we are done though.
How's that for a sobbering take on IVF....remember, I warned you...and remember, I am only one person with one outcome, so please recognize that as I do.
3.08.2011
new title, same likely ending, but free
IVF #6--first natural IVF attempt--cancelled today on day 3. Too early to really be deemed ivf #6, so reserving the title failed cycle #45 instead. Big ole' functional cyst that is muddying the waters as to my egg situation--something to the affect of, where's the egg? If the egg is in the cyst my e2 is high enough (at 300!) for it be mature but it's only day 3, so it can't be actually mature enough. If the egg is still coming along, well the e2 is f-ing it all up and muddying the waters. Yeah, don't try to understand it too hard, but it's something along those lines and the doc said it just really is not at all the set up we want going into a natural ivf attempt. So cancelled. And I'm ok with that. A forced break after a failure is welcome b/c honestly I was just not feeling it this month and barely even called on day 1 and barely even made it to my appt today. So, yeah, there you go. At least were were cancelled without first doing 4k of meds or doing a few monitoring u/$'s. We'll try again in a month.
In the meantime, we're going to entertain ourselves fertility wise with a visit to urologist for dh. He went to one in the initial work up, what like 3 years ago or so, who found nothing physically wrong (but did not u/s exam to look for a vari.ocele and totally ignored his ridiculously abnormal testosterone). So, since his counts have gotten worse recently, even with a much improved quality of life and improved sleep schedule and lowered stress, I just want to make sure nothing was missed in the crap workup he got before that I (obviously) feel was lacking in thoroughness. Our doc rec'd a urologist who appears to be really in the know of mfi, so I'm excited just to see what he has to say. I expect nothing new, but I guess I'm just excited for the closure.
Because...I think after a couple (or one, we'll see) natural ivf attempts we're going to make the jump to iui donor sperm. If I can keep ovulating regularly that long (please!!!). It's a cheaper thing to fail than donor eggs of course, though obviously sooner than later we would have to go that route when I finally loose all mine. Either way, though, I just can't keep doing this anymore with our own screwed up parts. I'm exhausted, as is dh in every single way possible. I mean, there is nothing, absolutely nothing, in life outside IF that someone would allow themselves to fail 45 times (cycles) or even 5 times (ivf). Long long before that they would have realized that it was time to find another way through the wall.
And finally....though I haven't commented myself on many blogs in the past week, thank you thank you thank you for all the comments that I've read and re-read on my empty post---the commiserating, encouragement, and advice to my emptiness feelings were all so spot on. I've taken some of the advice and am trying to get out more, while also realizing that maybe what we've been through is a bit more traumatic than I've given myself credit for (I give credit to other's journey's and survival...just not my own b/c I can think of far far worse things to "have" to go through in life...and thus my own journey just doesn't see that bad). As for getting out, I was volunteering a local museum one day a week but asked for more hours on another exciting project and started it this week. I also have started taking a couple classes a local dance studio--yoga seemed a bit overwhelming to me b/c I've never been and can't really relax on command and didn't relish all that alone time with my brain/thoughts. I danced years ago and have also regretted walking away from it. I loved it this past Saturday, and found it relaxing and brain stimulating at the same time (which is challenging, yet needed thanks to my constant fuzziness fog). I'm excited to live in a big enough city that offers tons of adult ballet and modern classes. So yay for steps forward! Not sure career wise what's next, but I'm getting out of the house and doing new things that I enjoy, so dh is very happy about this and I really do feel more energized, all good things.
In the meantime, we're going to entertain ourselves fertility wise with a visit to urologist for dh. He went to one in the initial work up, what like 3 years ago or so, who found nothing physically wrong (but did not u/s exam to look for a vari.ocele and totally ignored his ridiculously abnormal testosterone). So, since his counts have gotten worse recently, even with a much improved quality of life and improved sleep schedule and lowered stress, I just want to make sure nothing was missed in the crap workup he got before that I (obviously) feel was lacking in thoroughness. Our doc rec'd a urologist who appears to be really in the know of mfi, so I'm excited just to see what he has to say. I expect nothing new, but I guess I'm just excited for the closure.
Because...I think after a couple (or one, we'll see) natural ivf attempts we're going to make the jump to iui donor sperm. If I can keep ovulating regularly that long (please!!!). It's a cheaper thing to fail than donor eggs of course, though obviously sooner than later we would have to go that route when I finally loose all mine. Either way, though, I just can't keep doing this anymore with our own screwed up parts. I'm exhausted, as is dh in every single way possible. I mean, there is nothing, absolutely nothing, in life outside IF that someone would allow themselves to fail 45 times (cycles) or even 5 times (ivf). Long long before that they would have realized that it was time to find another way through the wall.
And finally....though I haven't commented myself on many blogs in the past week, thank you thank you thank you for all the comments that I've read and re-read on my empty post---the commiserating, encouragement, and advice to my emptiness feelings were all so spot on. I've taken some of the advice and am trying to get out more, while also realizing that maybe what we've been through is a bit more traumatic than I've given myself credit for (I give credit to other's journey's and survival...just not my own b/c I can think of far far worse things to "have" to go through in life...and thus my own journey just doesn't see that bad). As for getting out, I was volunteering a local museum one day a week but asked for more hours on another exciting project and started it this week. I also have started taking a couple classes a local dance studio--yoga seemed a bit overwhelming to me b/c I've never been and can't really relax on command and didn't relish all that alone time with my brain/thoughts. I danced years ago and have also regretted walking away from it. I loved it this past Saturday, and found it relaxing and brain stimulating at the same time (which is challenging, yet needed thanks to my constant fuzziness fog). I'm excited to live in a big enough city that offers tons of adult ballet and modern classes. So yay for steps forward! Not sure career wise what's next, but I'm getting out of the house and doing new things that I enjoy, so dh is very happy about this and I really do feel more energized, all good things.
3.02.2011
Empty
Warning: This is a downer post, feel free to turn away and come back on a better day. I'll totally understand. But, no IRL friends could begin to comprehend this, and might not even want to hear it either (and getting up and walking away during coffee is way more obvious than closing this little screen, so they'd be stuck), so anyways, that's why it's going on here.
Disclaimer: Sweet Mr.ebc reinforces none of my self-conceived notions about myself or my lack of value to the world. In fact, he would adamantly argue against them, so just know that.
I can't do IVF again. I just don't think I have it in me. I'm tired in every way possible. I am a shell of who I was 10 years ago. And a bitter, sad one at that. I just exist now. I have no purpose, no future goals and no mojo. I quit my crazy stressful job to do IVF and don't have the energy or time thanks to ongoing IVF cycles (hi, thanks for hiring me, now I'll be taking random days off with no notice) to return to anything, even if I could find someone to overlook that year and a half maternity leave without a baby to show for it gap. More than that though, my training is in the helping/behavioral sciences profession, but honestly, I can't deal with and resolve my own problems, let alone someone else's. In my mind, people either work or raise children. I do neither. I'm not even that good of a "housewife". So, I feel utterly useless to society and to Mr.ebc (this is where that disclaimer comes in)--I can't give him income, children or regularly clean laundry. And, I have no goals anymore in the future to change this. I'd love to travel. But we still have to pay for family building. And even if we didn't, we have to pay off family building. I'd love to learn something new--photography maybe or ???. But can't find the energy to even make that possible. I'm sitting here with my mom's old film camera and a book that should be able to teach me how to use the damn thing. And it absolutely overwhelms me. Everything new overwhelms me. This isn't me. I use to love challenges and learning new things. Now, I just sit here. I'd love to be active again--bike riding, rock climbing, dancing--but it all takes money that needs to go towards family building or debt or that I just plain feel bad spending since I bring nothing in (disclaimer moment again) and some of those activities aren't the best for times of IVF, so again, I do nothing.
I guess it's good I can at least recognize my mojo is MIA. But I have no idea how to get it back. Something has to change though because just existing is not really existing. Whether we continue treatments, approach adoption or find childless peace, there has to be a better way to get through this than the empty life I'm currently living.
Open to ideas and suggestions if you read this far.
Disclaimer: Sweet Mr.ebc reinforces none of my self-conceived notions about myself or my lack of value to the world. In fact, he would adamantly argue against them, so just know that.
I can't do IVF again. I just don't think I have it in me. I'm tired in every way possible. I am a shell of who I was 10 years ago. And a bitter, sad one at that. I just exist now. I have no purpose, no future goals and no mojo. I quit my crazy stressful job to do IVF and don't have the energy or time thanks to ongoing IVF cycles (hi, thanks for hiring me, now I'll be taking random days off with no notice) to return to anything, even if I could find someone to overlook that year and a half maternity leave without a baby to show for it gap. More than that though, my training is in the helping/behavioral sciences profession, but honestly, I can't deal with and resolve my own problems, let alone someone else's. In my mind, people either work or raise children. I do neither. I'm not even that good of a "housewife". So, I feel utterly useless to society and to Mr.ebc (this is where that disclaimer comes in)--I can't give him income, children or regularly clean laundry. And, I have no goals anymore in the future to change this. I'd love to travel. But we still have to pay for family building. And even if we didn't, we have to pay off family building. I'd love to learn something new--photography maybe or ???. But can't find the energy to even make that possible. I'm sitting here with my mom's old film camera and a book that should be able to teach me how to use the damn thing. And it absolutely overwhelms me. Everything new overwhelms me. This isn't me. I use to love challenges and learning new things. Now, I just sit here. I'd love to be active again--bike riding, rock climbing, dancing--but it all takes money that needs to go towards family building or debt or that I just plain feel bad spending since I bring nothing in (disclaimer moment again) and some of those activities aren't the best for times of IVF, so again, I do nothing.
I guess it's good I can at least recognize my mojo is MIA. But I have no idea how to get it back. Something has to change though because just existing is not really existing. Whether we continue treatments, approach adoption or find childless peace, there has to be a better way to get through this than the empty life I'm currently living.
Open to ideas and suggestions if you read this far.
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