the anxious root

Thanks for your encouragement on my last post. I know it likely probably definitely came across kinda bratty. This one might too.

I think the root of the problem is somewhat about my mother but is really about my extreme anxiety over delivery (c-section or pushing...either freaks me out) and actually having our take home baby. I still can't imagine it as I stare at the crib each night. I'm terrified it will come home with us and terrified it won't. I never imagined getting and staying pregnant, let alone living in a tiny apartment without a nursery, in a city where we know not a soul. It frightens me that I have no experience with babies and no one to call for help with said baby. I've looked into a postpartum doula and a child caring class though should I get to that completely overwhelmed, huddling mass in the corner stage (or maybe right before that).

But I'm still incredibly anxious and terrified about it all. From the hospital door to the apartment door.

People keep talking about having a birth plan. Turns out, all my choices and decisions have been made for me with this c-section. That is really depowering/unempowering (whatever the opposite is of empowering) during such a private, vulnerable, scary time. The date isn't arguable (my doctor only works in the OR one a day a week and he won't do the week before). The hospital policies are set (baby goes to the warming table immediately after delivery then to the nursery for an hour or so. The OR is too cold (verified during cerclage placement) to differ from that plan.). The catheter (I really really don't want someone so closely staring and touching me there) is nonnegotiable and will be left in 24 hours because of the pain meds being administered.

So, I'm literally just along for the ride. And for a control freak who has already lost almost completely control over any aspect of this experience, that is frightening and overwhelming.

Not to mention that I just don't do surgery. I know that I can survive the epidural/spinal at least, so that's a bit comforting. I know that the medical team is good and caring (on the whole from what I've experience my four times visiting L&D).

But I don't do anticipation well. At all.

Instead of setting an end date, I would have rather just gone along until one day the doctor calls and says, today's the day, come on in. But, that's impossible, so I need to do the distraction thing again as was suggested in your lovely comments. I was doing that pretty well with knitting and kiddo related research until about a week or so ago. We have what we need for the kiddo and I can't focus my brain long enough to knit anymore (concerning, eh?). My mind just races in half complete thoughts like a jumble of words. Today though, I am trying to distract with baking.

And I know that at the end of the day, none of this will matter. So what if I'm unempowered, embarrassed and fumbling diapers with all our family gathered around telling me I'm doing it wrong and it's all about their needs...I'm not far gone to realize this is the best, most wanted problem of my life. Now if I could just calm my brain down until we get to that point.