Week wrapup

Ok, so yesterday was a day full of sobbing, but all is not really lost, so for my own sake, I'd like to remind myself of the good and the bad, so at least I know why I'm sobbing and why I should stop:

What sucks:

• ONE egg (I begged God to make it to retrieval...I should have been a little more specific)
• $$ stimming drugs for 13 days that produced ONE egg
• This was our last chance together (well, maybe, hold that thought...)
• The white.wizard (nickname for the director who looks like the Lord.of.the.Rings Gan.dolf guy per my husband; he is not my doc) with the ego is doing the retrieval
• My body's utter disregard and ignorance of $$ stimming drugs. Way to fail the expensive way, ovaries. 

What doesn't suck:

• You all!! Your comments yesterday were fabulous! They had the anger and encouragement that I couldn't find in myself but so badly needed. And the use of the f*word was great! I figure, that word is fair game b/c if us infertiles can't use it make a baby, we might as well yell it when we can't. Thanks for all the hopes you all have going for us b/c since no one IRL except one person knows about this cycle, it's a bit lonely.
• We were only going to transfer one embryo this time, so technically we only need one egg and since you body does supposedly ovulate the cream of the crop each month, maybe we still have a chance (and 8% chance technically I've been told).
• Logistically, this actually all worked out. We had no usual last minute chaos of finding  begging someone to cover for Mr.ebc at work. He's off already for retrieval and off for transfer (you know, just in case). Plus, I had just enough foll.istim to get thru the stimming. No refill chaos needed and nothing left in the fridge!
• My e2 is at the level of two eggs. Turns out they saw a smaller one next to me only/lead follicle--so, here's the crazy plan--they will go in a retrieve whatever they can. If the lead one is empty (a cyst), they will do an iui in case that smaller one ovulates a day or two later (it's like that cup game with the ball hidden under it--where's the egg? where'd the egg go?). Ideally, we hope they retrieve the egg since the swimmers are all funny shaped, but at least this would cover all our bases as much as possible. 
• My own doc called this morning to go over the plan with me again. It was good to hear it from him and to hear that part about the iui that we hadn't been told yet. I love a man who can communicate and pick up the phone.
• Having the white.wizard's ego during retrieval is probably a good thing--I need someone to go in there ready to prove he is right that there is at least one egg. He'll find one if for no other reason than to just not be wrong. Whatever it takes man, just don't leave one behind!
• Sweet RunningMama kindly reminded me that people do natural cycle ivf and the success rate isn't horrible, so again, it's possible...plus, in reminding me of that, it gives me something to ask our fab doc about. While I refuse to do more injectable ivf cycles since my body just tell's the stim drugs to f-off, I would totally do some natural cycle ivf cycles if he would. We have coverage for the procedure part of ivf, just not the drug part, so yay for a possibility. I also plan to ask him about clomid ivf, as I've seen that around a few blogs along with the comments that people who don't respond to injectables, sometimes will respond to clomid (we tried clomid long long ago but with no monitoring, so no idea what my response was besides pissiness).
• If this all ends on Tuesday at retrieval, and he won't do natural ivf, that's okay. Because it's over. And that itself is a breathe of fresh air honestly. It's been a long time and a lot of failed ivf cycles. We should have stopped a while ago. But, I'm not the type to give up, so having this door so strongly slammed in my face is what it would take for me to do so without regrets. Might leave a bruised face and stubbed toe, but that's what it takes to turn the heck around and find another wide open door to walk thru (ok, or a cracked one that I can at least kick in). Whether that is donor parts, adoption or traveling just the two of us for the next 70 years, at least ivf will be over!!