730 days from start...to start

From Jan 1, 2009 to Jan 1, 2010 to Jan 1, 2011. 730 days apart in total, placing us in a completely different, yet oh so similar place.

Jan 1, 2009, we had our appointment scheduled for a second opinion with a new RE. We would find out this month that she would also recommend IVF. At the end of further testing with her, she gave us a 5% chance of getting through the drug portion with a response and a next to no chance of coming out on the other side with a pregnancy and an almost negative chance, if that's possible, of raising getting to raise that pregnancy in the outside world. Lovely way to kick off 2009, eh? Fast forward to Jan 1, 2010, I was still trying to physically get un-pregnant from our BFP in late 2010. My amazingly persistent HCG levels were hanging on, decreasing weekly by a few points. 55. 52. 48. 41. I was actually pregnant 9 weeks. However, I got to visit my RE for weekly blood draws for 11 weeks after my surgery until they declared me fully un-pregnant. Lovely way to kick off 2010, eh? Fast forward once more to today, Jan 1, 2001, where, like a seriously obnoxious case of deja vu, we find ourselves with an appointment on the calendar to start IVF. Again. For the fifth time.

So, while we are with a different RE, in a different city, assigned a different protocol, we are still in the same place of trying to build a family using a medical team and sci-fi-esque plan. However, while physically, we are in such an unfortunately similar place, mentally, we are 730 days apart. Maybe even light years. On Jan 1, 2009, we had only failed a few natural IUIs. We still had a shred of hope with the new RE and new procedure of IVF. We had yet to experience the amazingly unbelievable situation of actually being pregnant. 730 billions days later, though, we are old pros. Yuck. We've failed IVF many times. We've failed pregnancy. We have triplets that we can now refer to though we'll never meet in this lifetime. Overall, we have become *that* couple, or at least are dangerously close to crossing that line. The ones who have completely confounded multiple REs, have tried and failed more than hand full IVF attempts, and who have more babies in heaven than they ever will on earth. While, I realize that it could be far worse with more lost pregnancies, later lost pregnancies, completely out of options....it could be better too! And quite frankly, as our new RE so eloquently summed up our situation during our first visit, that really blows. Yet, while our naive hope is lost, I'm sure that we have gained something worthy in it's place. It isn't always easy to see what the could be, and any day I'd give it up to have the triplets instead, we will do our best to grasp onto a gleamer of that hope again in this new year, while finding some sort of peace in what we have experienced that will make this next IVF attempt not as frightening and unknown. I mean, there is comfort in the known. Even if the known kinda blows.