Come-apart day

Ugh, today has not been very good. Results of SA are still pending so that wasn't even the root cause. The visiting of the office to do said SA though was the setting though.

Why today kinda broke me emotionally:

1) Our office (note: it's an RE only office...OB is on a totally different floor and different wing thank goodness) is a small office in a large hospital complex. It has a very very small reception area (only four chairs in pairs facing each other fit...very small waiting area). Today, though, the area seemed even smaller as the entire area was taken up by one of those monstrous strollers that screams, "I can get knocked up and you, you pathetic loser, cannot." We literally had to push said devil contraption aside to get from the door to the sign in desk. Are you kidding me? I would have totally had it out with the attached mother but it was there alone. No mother. No baby. Just there to screw with the infertile patients. When we see our doc (who also about tripped on devil contraption getting in the door from the hospital hallway), he calls us back to a room to have a quick discussion (see #2) and as we are leaving, I have to say something or I will spontaneously combust. So, I say, in an inside voice thank you very much, "Any way stroller parking could be moved so that us infertiles can get in the door without tripping on such an obvious reminder of what we don't have?" He was kind, looked embarrassed that it was even allowed to be there by his dumb ass staff, and said he'd take care of it. Walked a few steps down the hall with him trailing back to the front desk area and right in front me the attached mother steps out of a room holding, of course, the baby about 2 feet from us. Quickly losing it, I say, in a bit louder, but still inside voice to Mr.ebc (and really to doc behind us), "Wow, it's like an Ob office today...but yet, not. So glad we are paying lots for this heart wrenching experience. Thought we'd at least be safe from this sort of thing in this type of office." Mr.ebc, knowing the full wrath I'm capable of when put in these types of situations, gave me props later for not unloading in a very sarcastic manner to the actual mother. Yay for progress he said. Now, I will say this--I get wanting to show the baby off to the baby maker. But do it in a way that demonstrates that you have not already forgotten what this side of hell is like. As in, get your damn stroller out of the only way into the office. The kid can't even hold it's head up yet--have you really already forgotten what it's like to be on this side?

2) So, in the middle of devil contraption induced hell, our doc pulled us into an office to have a quick last minute chat with us (a repeat of a chat that has occurred no less than five times thus far). Quick background for those still reading this post--after our triplets were lost, they did genetic testing on everyone involved. Babies came back normal, I came back normal, but Mr.ebc came back with a weird little mark.er chromo.some that no one knew what to do with. Upon further testing and talking with two gen.etic specialists (including one who has dedicated her life to this), it was determined to be near a very bad area, but not in the very bad area. Thus, we should be ok for the future at this time. Also, PGD wouldn't be able to be used to look for the mark.er so we shouldn't bother putting the very very few embryos we make at risk (the only time we made it to retrieval, we had 5 eggs which produced 2 embryos). So, fast forward to new RE. He agrees that we are likely fine. However, in the back of his mind and in the back of his partner's mind when he reviewed our case at the weekly conference, they are all still a bit concerned because they've never seen this. Like I said, he's asked me no less than five times if I'm sure we don't want to do PGD. And I've answered no less than five times, that we aren't willing to put our very very few embryos at risk for something that is really not useful from what we've been told. If we made 20, sure, go for it, but not when we only make 2. Of course, we don't really expect to get that far, so I reminded him that we really don't expect this 'what if' discussion to even matter. Today, however, he asked once more. He explained that while they can't look for the mark.er, they can look for any rearrangement that the mark.er might lead to that would case problems. And, while there are tests during pregnancy that could be done, of course, wouldn't we rather not get that far with a genetically unviable situation. Again, I stressed that we doubted to make it that far, but Mr.ebc finally said, sure, we'll consider PGD should we make the (random/magic/unattainable) number of 6 embryos. Of course, the lab will likely need 3.2 years to get ready for us to do PGD, thus causing a delay which is unacceptable. If we find out there is a delay, we will proceed without PGD, b/c again, we've talked to two geneticists who said it was uncalled for (note, we've already attempted three IVFs since getting the genetic results and PGD wasn't lined up for any of those failed attempts). While I appreciate their thoroughness, just b/c it's an unknown/new situation for our docs doesn't mean we need to go subjecting our little hopefully babies to unneeded tests especially since the lose was not genetic (they were normal). And ultimately, the bottom line is this-if we lose them and then find out they were normal, I'll be crushed in a whole new way. I asked if his weekly conference would kindly focus of the fact that I don't respond to the drugs at all (a real problem), instead of the somewhat imagined problem they currently have their sights on. And he again reiterated, he fully expected us to get eggs and embryos out of this cycle. Luckily, he's hopeful b/c my hope has been exhausted.

I then came home and sobbed about having to go through all this and the extreme, all consuming fear I have right now of failing to even get to retrieval, let alone all the milestones that have to accomplished after that.

I'm just ready to get the show on the road so we'll know if we have failed yet another protocol. I'm happy to be on the unfailed side currently, but if we are going to fail, let's just go ahead and get it over with.