Oh :), where are you?

No stupid :) ov stick yet. I'm discouraged, frustrated, annoyed, pissed, angry, sad...everything but not ovulating. That's the one thing I thought my body could at least still do right. And then, it's says f-you and won't even do that right. Today is CD13. Though I don't test every month, I get ovulating CM every month before now in my cycle. This month though, no :) and no ov CM (so it's not just a failed test). A couple more days delayed and they'll cancel us this month, making us wait yet another month to start a two month protocol. Who cares though--what's another month right? Oh yeah, that's right...another month closer to early menopause. Fabulous. And there's nothing I can do about it. Medically making me ovulated can't be a good way to kick off an IVF cycle if they even offered that option. So, we just wait. I hate that word. I hate this process. I hate that my body has taken the one thing it could do and stopped doing that in a timely manner. This is the only month I've ever needed to ovulate in a reasonable time frame and I don't. My other IVF protocols have never depended on me ovulating correctly. Ok, let's try to find a silver lining--well, if I am delayed till next month, then maybe that's just a sign that we should be doing PGD. Which I hate the idea of. So, that's not really a silver lining, but at least a little universal guidance I suppose. And it's not too late yet for that damn :) to show up. I still have later today and maybe even tomorrow.

Time to give myself a little pep talk/reality check--I want to be happy and relaxed and excited about the chance to try IVF again. I do. But right now I just want to chunk the ov test across the room and smash it against the wall and scream I'm done from the rooftop (no, I don't want to jump off the rooftop at least). But then I really won't be able to get a :) now will I. Ugh, I've got to find some IVF mojo from somewhere inside myself. This is not the end of the world. It's really not. It's just at time to learn yet again to hold every part of this process loosely--I mean, I can't let the lack of a little :) control my entire world. That is ridiculous and crazy unhealthy. Ok, self, this has to stop. Very worst case scenario--we never have kids and get to travel the world. Actually, that sounds pretty freaking fabulous right now. So see, self, the worst outcome really isn't that worst is it? Until we start booking our trips to worlds unseen though, I'll be here hoping my :) arrives asap!