Funk

I'm in a deep funk and have no idea how to get out of it. I feel beat up by life, both on the infertility front and the not getting a paycheck front. I have no control over either. I've done the best I can with both, from starting this next cycle and sending yet another unanswered invoice to dipshit boss. But at the end of the day, I can't fix either. I want to be happy and relaxed for this next cycle and I'm afraid I've messed it all up before it's even begun because of my crap mood and stress level. Now, mind you, the first time IVF sort of worked, I was fighting with my employer then over going part time (to do IVF....I ultimately "lost") and we were moving. So, that wasn't exactly stress free either and I still got a response to the drugs. I don't think it's a last cause yet. I've convinced myself (during moments I'm not convinced I've screwed it all up) that if I can just relax and be a little more joyful by the time I start the drugs, I'll be ok. Of course, if it doesn't work, I'll blame myself. But I blame myself for all these fertility failures. Even though they aren't. I know that. I get told that frequently by the doctors and the husband. But it's still my body, so I still like to pretend I have an ounce of control over it. So, know I've got to figure out how to get out of this funk. Here's what I've come up with: 1) Per the Happi.ness Pro.ject book I'm currently reading: Act the way I want to feel. Just put on a front, a show, a smile, whatever and maybe I'll end up feeling that way. 2) Well crap, that's all I have actually. Hmm. Alright then, that at least means I won't be distracted by other ideas and can focus all my energy on the first idea. Ok, so here's to a day of acting happy, joyful, satisfied, and hopeful! (ok, like a half a day b/c I slept the first part away....even less day to fail at then. yay!)