Yes, I'm still here and in fact, still pregnant. No micropreemie for us. Still might be a preemie, but at 36 weeks, the hope for a take home kiddo continues to slightly increase each week. (On a medical note--I'm not sure how long this 17P progesterone goodness has been around or been used for unicornuate uterus folks, but I credit my continuing-to-stretch-towards-full-term-UU-ability with it's magic-ness, along with a big healthy of shear miracle). I've written many posts in my head but am having great difficulty starting or finishing anything recently, and thus the silence.
Anyways, I continue to take things super easy around here. I rarely leave the apartment, which I'm sure is an indication of some sort of underlying problem, but the thought of going out to do much of anything is either not worth it or completely overwhelming. My anxiety continues to be at an all time high, completely exasperated by a situation I created myself (hey, if you want something done well, do it yourself right?). The slightly short story is--my doc has been saying all along that if I actually made it past Tgiving, he planned to welcome our kiddo to the world no later than mid-Dec (say, the 16th-ish-a day or so shy of 38w)). Well, last week, he now says that the 16th is a little sooner than he'd like and he'd rather push us towards 38w6d for the c-section (kiddo is now breech again and likely stuck that way given my half uterus is like half a first grader drawn heart--more room at the top for the head than at the bottom). Note, 38w6d is the day before I invited both sets of our parents to come to down to meet our "week old newborn" (other note: I'd rather it just be me and DH and kiddo...but he desperately misses his big family holidays and I felt like I was being a brat keeping people away, so given the immunity the kid is born with and will get thru BF and the holiday timing, I decided to try to share and play well with others with the caveat that you can come...but only for three days and only for short visits during the day that will end when nap or feeding time begins).
Anyways, needless to say, I am now freaking out because while having family around for the hospital time may be some people's dream...it's one of my top 5 birthing nightmares. I mean, I like privacy, especially during such a naked, vulnerable experience. But, travel reservations are very expensive to change and/or unchangeable. At least I'll have no quite 24 hours to begin to recover before they flood my room. Woo.
But even better (this is the only pro I have found so I keep repeating it to myself hourly)...I'll have hospital security to throw my mother out when she won't respect my requests to leave. Yay. (Yes, it will come to that...she is well meaning but ooozes self-centered-over-excitement. Example-at our wedding, DH and I wanted to see each other for the first time alone with only the photographer present. This of course was not accepted to my mother who believed she has a right to be present for such an intimate moment. It took our wedding coordinator leading her by the hand to outside the church and then throwing her body across the doors. Yeah, I'm serious. She thinks she's above the rules, puts her desires above other's needs and makes espresso nervous.).
Sigh. It will all work out and this is such a minor nuisance in the scheme of life. But it still has greatly increased my anxiety. Of course, for as much worrying energy as I've put into this topic, I'll likely go into labor before then and thus, not even have to worry about it! Other than sitting around and worrying about...everything...I try to get last minute things done. This week I hope to make some casseroles to freeze because we don't know anyone here so there will be no meals coming to our door (And no, my mom can't cook us some to occupy herself, because she can't cook. Great idea though!), as well as finish Christmas preparations (that no one will see but us...oh well).
12.03.2011
11.03.2011
newest honor blanket ready for donation
I survived two weeks of company and now have the regular calmness and isolation back that I've come to enjoy. I thought I wouldn't have any time to knit while playing hostess, but my recent company was so stuck on her phone around the clock that she was could only carry on a conversation of a few half sentences that she never finished due to fb stealing her brain cells....so....I found my own happy place distraction and picked up my knitting.
My most recent project offered me the privilege of knitting a blanket for donation to Forever Warm in honor of CheekyBub, the far-too-quickly-gone daughter of St Elsewhere who blogs at My Lady of the Lantern. While she is pregnant again, I can only imagine the strength of fears and hopes she is currently experiencing daily while she anticipates her newest arrival while still always mourning the loss of sweet CheekyBub.
I feel so lucky that I had a very small hand in doing something in honor of her that will also help other parents going through a similar tragedy. This blanket, with a very special note, will be mailed this week to Forever Warm. If you'd like to request an honor blanket to be donated in recognition of your own gone-too-soon kiddo or not-here-yet kiddo, please see the post that is linked above or the left side bar for information on this project!
My most recent project offered me the privilege of knitting a blanket for donation to Forever Warm in honor of CheekyBub, the far-too-quickly-gone daughter of St Elsewhere who blogs at My Lady of the Lantern. While she is pregnant again, I can only imagine the strength of fears and hopes she is currently experiencing daily while she anticipates her newest arrival while still always mourning the loss of sweet CheekyBub.
(picture doesn't do the sky blue and carrot red colors justice)
I feel so lucky that I had a very small hand in doing something in honor of her that will also help other parents going through a similar tragedy. This blanket, with a very special note, will be mailed this week to Forever Warm. If you'd like to request an honor blanket to be donated in recognition of your own gone-too-soon kiddo or not-here-yet kiddo, please see the post that is linked above or the left side bar for information on this project!
10.22.2011
still cooking and the rising anxiety
30 weeks today...my UU, undoubtedly with the help of the the stretch-aiding 17P injections and prayers from all over, has held this kiddo safely (as far as I know) past the 24wk technical viability mark, past the 28wk more true viability mark and into the 30's. We have a growth scan in 10 days to check for IUGR, a common UU risk as they just flat run out of room in their half-a-home. I can't say I trust my body, but I am learning to trust my uterus far more than I will ever trust my failing ovaries! Freaking super UU in my little book.
We've started to allow baby items in the apartment out of supposed necessity of actually needing a few things on the hand when the kiddo might actually come home alive (I only said I was learning to trust...I'm not all the way there yet...thus all the maybe's and might's and hopefully's). I'm so totally grateful for my grandmother's enthusiasm to ensure we have all that we need. So, do I get all drooly, cooing, swooning excited when each item arrives and when I stare at it nightly in the corner of our room. No. No, I don't. Instead, each item makes me want to crawl in my hole of complete and utterly over the top anxiety and fear. Everything feels like it's far away (does that even makes sense?)--like we're still playing house, as I keep it all at arm's length from me, where I've kept it from years, and I have no idea how to cross that void to total cooing, swooning excitement. I'm pretty sure something is very wrong with me and I'm desperately afraid that I will feel nothing, as in a total lack of connection, when said kid enters the world. I mean, I love being pregnant, though it's so weird after all this time honestly, but I'm just not over the moon about all the kiddo-actually-being-here-stuff like I think I maybe should be.
Yeah, so that's where I'm at. Physically, mentally and emotionally. Doing great while totally screwed up.
We've started to allow baby items in the apartment out of supposed necessity of actually needing a few things on the hand when the kiddo might actually come home alive (I only said I was learning to trust...I'm not all the way there yet...thus all the maybe's and might's and hopefully's). I'm so totally grateful for my grandmother's enthusiasm to ensure we have all that we need. So, do I get all drooly, cooing, swooning excited when each item arrives and when I stare at it nightly in the corner of our room. No. No, I don't. Instead, each item makes me want to crawl in my hole of complete and utterly over the top anxiety and fear. Everything feels like it's far away (does that even makes sense?)--like we're still playing house, as I keep it all at arm's length from me, where I've kept it from years, and I have no idea how to cross that void to total cooing, swooning excitement. I'm pretty sure something is very wrong with me and I'm desperately afraid that I will feel nothing, as in a total lack of connection, when said kid enters the world. I mean, I love being pregnant, though it's so weird after all this time honestly, but I'm just not over the moon about all the kiddo-actually-being-here-stuff like I think I maybe should be.
Yeah, so that's where I'm at. Physically, mentally and emotionally. Doing great while totally screwed up.
9.30.2011
It's all we have left doc
Preface: Today I went to pick up my vial of steroids from the hospital pharmacy (b/c the risk of prematurity real for me...and thus, we need to kick the lung development into high gear). Rx was there. Yay. We already made the plan with my doctor just yesterday that DH would give me the injection today and tomorrow. He does my 17P and did all my IVF. [I have an extreme fear of hip injections and lots of pains thanks to all the PIO over the past two years, so I know he does it well and the doctor was fine with him doing it. I have a routine and method that lessens the pain and the anxiety that I can do at home to get through this.]
I doubled checked with the tech that there were needles and syringes in the bag. You know, to actually be able to use the medicine. Two needles and two syringes. That's all I needed. IM length (so, like 1 1/2"). She said, no, there was no Rx for those just the meds. Um....so, how should I administer the medicine then? She calls the doc's office (5 floors up). Talks to five clinic people. Not a secretary, but actually back-in-the-clinic people. Her side of the conversation indicates that no one will help her by authorizing two needles and two syringes for the vial of medicine already called in. They page the doctor (it's his off day). There are at least 10 other doctors in this clinic. He calls back, says for me to go to the clinic to have them do it today and tomorrow/Saturday (has to be done twice, 24 hours apart). Note, clinic is closed tomorrow/Saturday. Is he going to meet me there? Yeah, we all know the answer to that one.
So, I give up on the pharmacy helping me and go to the clinic. I'm told I can't go past the check-in desk because it's lunch and no one is back there who can help me (like lunch ending will change that, but anyways). Receptionist says pharmacy is holding my needles and syringes hostage and no, no one will be there tomorrow to give my injection. I wait 20 minutes while they all eat and page the doctor again. Then, my doctor happens to walk right past me and asks me how I am. I burst into tears because I've been at this for about an hour and no closer to getting my two needles and two syringes. I tell him no one will authorize the pharmacy to give me these. He says, clinic will give me injection today and husband tomorrow. I cry harder and remind him that I was much more comfortable with our plan from appt yesterday.
He stares at me, saying silently with his expression, are you (me) really going to push this? Yes, yes I am. You know why, doc....because control over who sticks a long needle in my sore ass that already gets weekly injections after weeks of daily injections is all I have left. You've already told me I'll likely have to push the kid out which is not what I was expecting, nor want. I am dealing with you all of sudden telling me yesterday the new goal was to make it at 35 weeks, while also giving me steroids thus indicating this kid actually has a really good chance of coming even earlier...far too early because of my messed up body. I've been multiple IVF treatment failure and lost triplets because of a doc's f-up and my screwed up body. I've been violated more by the dil.do cam in the past two years than my husband's equipment in the past seven years. I can't have sex for at least nine months (six months to go) thanks to precautions that had to be taken because of my messed up body. I've done everything you've asked and that I can do to keep this going so far. So yes, damnit, I am going to push this because I don't see a problem with our plan from yesterday when you already have my husband doing my weekly injections.
The doc told me to stop crying (f-u, dude, crying is what I do best) and got the nurse to get my two IM needles and two syringes. I ran out of there. Got home, realized I didn't check the needles. Stupid me. After all that...they are 1/2"-far too short to reach a hip muscle. I'm hoping to dig up some left over PIO around here someplace now (the 17P compounding pharmacy will only give me the exact number I need, so no extra there) because remember, they are closed tomorrow/Saturday. Total fail.
Ok, so that was a totally too long preface, but here's what I really want to say to the medical community after yet another clinic battle like today:
We newbie IF'ers/preg IF'ers/veteran IF'ers don't have the mental or emotional energy to be obnoxious on purpose. We really don't. We don't try to annoy you. We do, however, remember what you tell us and what the plan is we agreed to down to the detail most of the time. Why? Well, some of us are just that personality type. But above and beyond that, it's all we have left. We have no control over something that should be happening natural without loads of medical intervention; something that should happen behind closed doors with one other person, not in a big room with a team; something that may never happen despite putting our life on hold, our marriage on the rocks and our financial stability down the tube. So, control over following the plan that was discussed is it. It's the last, little piece of control we have over a life that is out of control, upsetting and frightening. We know the plan will change, but at least let's follow it until it does for a good reason. If you, dear medical providers, could step back for a moment and understand that and just stick to a perfectly fine plan that we all agreed on, instead of changing meaningless little details that aren't even logical, well...that would go a long way to keeping us calm and tear free.
I doubled checked with the tech that there were needles and syringes in the bag. You know, to actually be able to use the medicine. Two needles and two syringes. That's all I needed. IM length (so, like 1 1/2"). She said, no, there was no Rx for those just the meds. Um....so, how should I administer the medicine then? She calls the doc's office (5 floors up). Talks to five clinic people. Not a secretary, but actually back-in-the-clinic people. Her side of the conversation indicates that no one will help her by authorizing two needles and two syringes for the vial of medicine already called in. They page the doctor (it's his off day). There are at least 10 other doctors in this clinic. He calls back, says for me to go to the clinic to have them do it today and tomorrow/Saturday (has to be done twice, 24 hours apart). Note, clinic is closed tomorrow/Saturday. Is he going to meet me there? Yeah, we all know the answer to that one.
So, I give up on the pharmacy helping me and go to the clinic. I'm told I can't go past the check-in desk because it's lunch and no one is back there who can help me (like lunch ending will change that, but anyways). Receptionist says pharmacy is holding my needles and syringes hostage and no, no one will be there tomorrow to give my injection. I wait 20 minutes while they all eat and page the doctor again. Then, my doctor happens to walk right past me and asks me how I am. I burst into tears because I've been at this for about an hour and no closer to getting my two needles and two syringes. I tell him no one will authorize the pharmacy to give me these. He says, clinic will give me injection today and husband tomorrow. I cry harder and remind him that I was much more comfortable with our plan from appt yesterday.
He stares at me, saying silently with his expression, are you (me) really going to push this? Yes, yes I am. You know why, doc....because control over who sticks a long needle in my sore ass that already gets weekly injections after weeks of daily injections is all I have left. You've already told me I'll likely have to push the kid out which is not what I was expecting, nor want. I am dealing with you all of sudden telling me yesterday the new goal was to make it at 35 weeks, while also giving me steroids thus indicating this kid actually has a really good chance of coming even earlier...far too early because of my messed up body. I've been multiple IVF treatment failure and lost triplets because of a doc's f-up and my screwed up body. I've been violated more by the dil.do cam in the past two years than my husband's equipment in the past seven years. I can't have sex for at least nine months (six months to go) thanks to precautions that had to be taken because of my messed up body. I've done everything you've asked and that I can do to keep this going so far. So yes, damnit, I am going to push this because I don't see a problem with our plan from yesterday when you already have my husband doing my weekly injections.
The doc told me to stop crying (f-u, dude, crying is what I do best) and got the nurse to get my two IM needles and two syringes. I ran out of there. Got home, realized I didn't check the needles. Stupid me. After all that...they are 1/2"-far too short to reach a hip muscle. I'm hoping to dig up some left over PIO around here someplace now (the 17P compounding pharmacy will only give me the exact number I need, so no extra there) because remember, they are closed tomorrow/Saturday. Total fail.
Ok, so that was a totally too long preface, but here's what I really want to say to the medical community after yet another clinic battle like today:
We newbie IF'ers/preg IF'ers/veteran IF'ers don't have the mental or emotional energy to be obnoxious on purpose. We really don't. We don't try to annoy you. We do, however, remember what you tell us and what the plan is we agreed to down to the detail most of the time. Why? Well, some of us are just that personality type. But above and beyond that, it's all we have left. We have no control over something that should be happening natural without loads of medical intervention; something that should happen behind closed doors with one other person, not in a big room with a team; something that may never happen despite putting our life on hold, our marriage on the rocks and our financial stability down the tube. So, control over following the plan that was discussed is it. It's the last, little piece of control we have over a life that is out of control, upsetting and frightening. We know the plan will change, but at least let's follow it until it does for a good reason. If you, dear medical providers, could step back for a moment and understand that and just stick to a perfectly fine plan that we all agreed on, instead of changing meaningless little details that aren't even logical, well...that would go a long way to keeping us calm and tear free.
9.29.2011
Realistically, I've lost a few weeks at least
Totally preg related post....feel free to skip if you need to. It's kind of a brain dump anyway as I deal with all of sudden feeling very.very.overwhelmed and I just needed someone to "listen"...thus, a blog post.
Today was my monthly ob visit at just shy of 27 weeks. Everything is fine, but I left feeling like a deer in the headlights and completely overwhelmed. Last month, we started talking c-section (my expectation since UU was discovered years ago, as I was told by a number of docs that kid would be breech. period.) vs. pushing the kid out (since this kid is actually head down, not breech like was expected). Today the discussion came up again--and which was better for me and for kiddo. Doc stated b/c kid was likely to not flip around at this point (not enough room) and thus stay head down, from what we know right now (position wise at least), it will not be a situation that is decided for me (e.g. breech=c-section. decision made). Dang it. Now, obviously things can happen that will still lead to a c-section, but he's just saying that right now we aren't looking at anything requiring a scheduled one. In terms of what's best for me and the kid, well, the literature is split--you're screwed either way as far as I read (or in his words, there are pros and cons). Both have benefits and risks. Both have the chance of uterine rupture now or for future pregnancies (yeah, I have no hope for that, but still something to consider I suppose). There is very, very limited literature or even personal experience reports of UU's pushing a kid out...probably b/c if they get preg easily (never requiring HSG), then they very well could have pushed the kid out and still have no idea they even have a UU...thus, no literature and the UU's that are known about seem to have been documented as requiring a c-section b/c of breech presentation.
Blah blah blah. So what does all this mean????
Well, basically, we are going to wait and see and play it by ear. I'm ok with that. The part that has rocked my little world is that this whole time the doc has been saying he thought I'd make it to Christmas time (38-39 weeks)...and if we scheduled the c-section, it be then. Today, he said he doubts that I'd make it that far. This is much more in line with UU expectations and what we've been told by other docs (who quite frankly are shocked we've made it this far). No, nothing has changed really that made him say that--except maybe the twitchy uterus experience that took me to L&D within the week or so. Really though, I think he was holding out high expectations as part of mental encouragement, if that makes sense...like when delivery whenever was really far out, tell the patient they can go all the way so they don't get it in their head they can't. I'm good with this. I have no doubt the placebo effect exists, and it was far out so encouragement for me was good. Now that the time is sort of nearing, he's being more realistic so I can wrap my head around that. I'm good with that too. I've known all along that I very, very likely go early--I mean, my own personal goal this whole time was to make it to Dec. 1. The doc saying I'd make it to Christmas made me roll my eyes, but also did it's intended purpose--has made me think I could go that far and worry obsessively about one more thing out of control.
So, what's my deal now that he's saying Tgiving is more realistic? Well, I guess hearing a doc say that does make it more realistic. And all of sudden, I feel like I'm running out of time. Running out of time to be pregnant which makes me sad. And running out of time to actually start getting ready should we bring this kid home (yeah, there's still an "if" there for me). Each week since viability, we've done one thing to get ready. Bought a stroller and booked a newborn photographer. There's no shower, so no registering has to be done, but we planned to around 30 weeks. There's no nursery, so no decorating needed. NOTHING IMPORTANT though has been accomplished/bought/lined up....like, oh, I don't know...sleeping place (e.g. crib), carseat, pediatrician picking.....And now, I maybe be looking at only another 7 weeks. What?!? At least kids really don't need that much to come home...like those three things should really take care of it in all reality.
Again, I really did expect this. As much as I expected to make it this far I guess for whatever that's worth. All of this is fixable, but today, I am stuck staring at the wall and feeling sad (this is almost over; I really like being pregnant) and overwhelmed (where do I even start and wow I feel alone to deal with all this) and scared (pushing the kid out was never, ever on my life bucket list...and yes, an elective c-section is still an option; I just like it when decisions are made for me about these sorts of things).
Seriously, what a great "problem" to have.
I think I just need to breathe. And maybe make a list. And put L&D's number in my phone.
Today was my monthly ob visit at just shy of 27 weeks. Everything is fine, but I left feeling like a deer in the headlights and completely overwhelmed. Last month, we started talking c-section (my expectation since UU was discovered years ago, as I was told by a number of docs that kid would be breech. period.) vs. pushing the kid out (since this kid is actually head down, not breech like was expected). Today the discussion came up again--and which was better for me and for kiddo. Doc stated b/c kid was likely to not flip around at this point (not enough room) and thus stay head down, from what we know right now (position wise at least), it will not be a situation that is decided for me (e.g. breech=c-section. decision made). Dang it. Now, obviously things can happen that will still lead to a c-section, but he's just saying that right now we aren't looking at anything requiring a scheduled one. In terms of what's best for me and the kid, well, the literature is split--you're screwed either way as far as I read (or in his words, there are pros and cons). Both have benefits and risks. Both have the chance of uterine rupture now or for future pregnancies (yeah, I have no hope for that, but still something to consider I suppose). There is very, very limited literature or even personal experience reports of UU's pushing a kid out...probably b/c if they get preg easily (never requiring HSG), then they very well could have pushed the kid out and still have no idea they even have a UU...thus, no literature and the UU's that are known about seem to have been documented as requiring a c-section b/c of breech presentation.
Blah blah blah. So what does all this mean????
Well, basically, we are going to wait and see and play it by ear. I'm ok with that. The part that has rocked my little world is that this whole time the doc has been saying he thought I'd make it to Christmas time (38-39 weeks)...and if we scheduled the c-section, it be then. Today, he said he doubts that I'd make it that far. This is much more in line with UU expectations and what we've been told by other docs (who quite frankly are shocked we've made it this far). No, nothing has changed really that made him say that--except maybe the twitchy uterus experience that took me to L&D within the week or so. Really though, I think he was holding out high expectations as part of mental encouragement, if that makes sense...like when delivery whenever was really far out, tell the patient they can go all the way so they don't get it in their head they can't. I'm good with this. I have no doubt the placebo effect exists, and it was far out so encouragement for me was good. Now that the time is sort of nearing, he's being more realistic so I can wrap my head around that. I'm good with that too. I've known all along that I very, very likely go early--I mean, my own personal goal this whole time was to make it to Dec. 1. The doc saying I'd make it to Christmas made me roll my eyes, but also did it's intended purpose--has made me think I could go that far and worry obsessively about one more thing out of control.
So, what's my deal now that he's saying Tgiving is more realistic? Well, I guess hearing a doc say that does make it more realistic. And all of sudden, I feel like I'm running out of time. Running out of time to be pregnant which makes me sad. And running out of time to actually start getting ready should we bring this kid home (yeah, there's still an "if" there for me). Each week since viability, we've done one thing to get ready. Bought a stroller and booked a newborn photographer. There's no shower, so no registering has to be done, but we planned to around 30 weeks. There's no nursery, so no decorating needed. NOTHING IMPORTANT though has been accomplished/bought/lined up....like, oh, I don't know...sleeping place (e.g. crib), carseat, pediatrician picking.....And now, I maybe be looking at only another 7 weeks. What?!? At least kids really don't need that much to come home...like those three things should really take care of it in all reality.
Again, I really did expect this. As much as I expected to make it this far I guess for whatever that's worth. All of this is fixable, but today, I am stuck staring at the wall and feeling sad (this is almost over; I really like being pregnant) and overwhelmed (where do I even start and wow I feel alone to deal with all this) and scared (pushing the kid out was never, ever on my life bucket list...and yes, an elective c-section is still an option; I just like it when decisions are made for me about these sorts of things).
Seriously, what a great "problem" to have.
I think I just need to breathe. And maybe make a list. And put L&D's number in my phone.
9.22.2011
I'd be shocked
Honestly, I'd be shocked to come with a living baby at the end of this year. There, I admit it.
Things are going smoothly. My doctor looks confounded by this. Of course, there was a brief visit to L&D a couple of days ago for contractions (let the fun begin, UU!). Seems the dil.do cam u/s that morning to check on my cervix and cerclage made my irritable uterus...well, irritable. [Note: dil.do cam u/s's suck before being pregnant and cause actual (more?) pain when preg since that space is occupied now and is never utilized (as bed fun on hold until after deliver)...I thought I was done with them after leaving the RE's, but turns out that's the only way to see the stitch and most accurately measure cervical length.] Anyways, a few hours after the u/s, right after we got home after lunch, the contractions started and were about every 8 min and about a 6-7 on the pain scale (like, breathing through them was required...too bad I haven't had a class on that quite yet). A quick call to my clinic and we were off to my first L&D trial run. Four hours of monitoring and down to mild, irregular, non-painful contractions (aka Braxton-Hicks contractions, which I've been having for weeks) I was released home. We assume that my cervix never dilated at all since they said this would have caused bleeding with the cerclage in place and I had none; since sticking stuff up there was the cause of the problem in the first place, we all voted to not actually check this. Needless to say, from now on, I'll be boycotting internal u/s....they can check cervical length with an external u/s, and since mine is holding steady in overall length, we can't understand why they need to measure it from the stitch. Now, if it starts to shorten overall, then I get why they need to measure from the stitch b/c you can shorten all the way to said stitch, but until it changes, let's try to keep my irritable uterus a happy camper.
Other than that, though, things are going smoothly. So now back to my original statement. The more I start to do a few things to actually get ready for this kid, the more I feel like I am "playing house". Like planning a wedding with no engagement ring. Or house shopping while being unemployed. Something along those lines of ultimate denial. I mean, we aren't doing much in comparison to most people. We have no nursery to decorate, just a small corner of our room. And I'm not having a shower since we are far away from friends (and I loathe showers), just a meet-the-kid-get-together in the spring when we can travel to our home state. But there are still a few things that I've taken the leap to do. Like today, I talked with a newborn photographer and emailed a birthing class teacher (in case I don't require/vote for a c-section...a post for another day about that impending decision). But the whole time, while setting these things up, I can't actually fathom having a kid in a few months. Here. At home. To care for. I mean, we celebrated viability with a stroller purchase while they were on their annual sale. However, I had to buy it from a place with a long return period and have yet to actually open the box. Because I can't believe a kid will be here to use this in a few months.
It's a bizarre feeling that I'm sure is totally related to IF, reading blogs who have been through late loss, and probably also to the second half of pregnancy risks of a UU (almost as rare as unicorns... ;) )
I don't think it's something that can be fixed...I think it's more like something that will fix itself should we actually bring said kid home. But I just wanted to tell someone about it. And no one IRL would even start to get it. Maybe you all will. And maybe you can relate and will know you're not alone if you are having this bizarre thought pattern too.
Things are going smoothly. My doctor looks confounded by this. Of course, there was a brief visit to L&D a couple of days ago for contractions (let the fun begin, UU!). Seems the dil.do cam u/s that morning to check on my cervix and cerclage made my irritable uterus...well, irritable. [Note: dil.do cam u/s's suck before being pregnant and cause actual (more?) pain when preg since that space is occupied now and is never utilized (as bed fun on hold until after deliver)...I thought I was done with them after leaving the RE's, but turns out that's the only way to see the stitch and most accurately measure cervical length.] Anyways, a few hours after the u/s, right after we got home after lunch, the contractions started and were about every 8 min and about a 6-7 on the pain scale (like, breathing through them was required...too bad I haven't had a class on that quite yet). A quick call to my clinic and we were off to my first L&D trial run. Four hours of monitoring and down to mild, irregular, non-painful contractions (aka Braxton-Hicks contractions, which I've been having for weeks) I was released home. We assume that my cervix never dilated at all since they said this would have caused bleeding with the cerclage in place and I had none; since sticking stuff up there was the cause of the problem in the first place, we all voted to not actually check this. Needless to say, from now on, I'll be boycotting internal u/s....they can check cervical length with an external u/s, and since mine is holding steady in overall length, we can't understand why they need to measure it from the stitch. Now, if it starts to shorten overall, then I get why they need to measure from the stitch b/c you can shorten all the way to said stitch, but until it changes, let's try to keep my irritable uterus a happy camper.
Other than that, though, things are going smoothly. So now back to my original statement. The more I start to do a few things to actually get ready for this kid, the more I feel like I am "playing house". Like planning a wedding with no engagement ring. Or house shopping while being unemployed. Something along those lines of ultimate denial. I mean, we aren't doing much in comparison to most people. We have no nursery to decorate, just a small corner of our room. And I'm not having a shower since we are far away from friends (and I loathe showers), just a meet-the-kid-get-together in the spring when we can travel to our home state. But there are still a few things that I've taken the leap to do. Like today, I talked with a newborn photographer and emailed a birthing class teacher (in case I don't require/vote for a c-section...a post for another day about that impending decision). But the whole time, while setting these things up, I can't actually fathom having a kid in a few months. Here. At home. To care for. I mean, we celebrated viability with a stroller purchase while they were on their annual sale. However, I had to buy it from a place with a long return period and have yet to actually open the box. Because I can't believe a kid will be here to use this in a few months.
It's a bizarre feeling that I'm sure is totally related to IF, reading blogs who have been through late loss, and probably also to the second half of pregnancy risks of a UU (almost as rare as unicorns... ;) )
I don't think it's something that can be fixed...I think it's more like something that will fix itself should we actually bring said kid home. But I just wanted to tell someone about it. And no one IRL would even start to get it. Maybe you all will. And maybe you can relate and will know you're not alone if you are having this bizarre thought pattern too.
9.08.2011
i wish someone had told me this
While spending time on the pintrest, I came across a saying that I want to yell loud and clear to the IF community (including myself over the past four years). Too often, I see people say that are "giving up" when they jump of the child-seeking track to regain control and calmness in the lives. I hate those words--"giving up". Anyone who has even set a foot on this never ending roller coaster of attempting to bring a child into their lives and then CHOOSES to stop is not a quitter. No way. To stop is a decision they've made, barring certain circumstances that force their choice (though that isn't quitting either), to CHOOSE to go another direction. I'm not talking about being totally out of options medically and financially--that's a different sort of hell. I'm talking about doing everything to the very, very end because pregnancy has become a goal to be accomplished, losing sight of the ultimate desire to have a child, and along the way sacraficing everything for that *goal*--including our marriages and our sanity and our selves. Feel free to disagree--this is just how I saw treatments affect us. This saying I found especially hit me given a recent request by a friend of what advice I had to give as she and her DH go to their first RE appt after multiple loses over the past year or so. Maybe she was looking for specific test/medical advice. I don't know, but I know I'm not her doctor (and she's going to a very good clinic) and didn't need to arm her to be "that patient" on her very first visit, so instead I chose to go the route of "sage IF veteran wisdom" type advice (at least that was my hope of the content I gave her...you may disagree, and that's ok). Along with the saying, here's what I had to say to her that I wish someone had drilled into me before setting foot in the RE's office--
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1) Educate yourself to a point. You want to be informed about what tests are looking for and what results mean, but not to the point of insanity and trying to know more than your doc which is really easy to do. So, be educated enough to know when to ask more questions, but not so overly "educated" that you begin to second guess every single thing your doc does. Every RE is a bit different and medicine is an art not a perfect science so you can always find things on google and other's experiences that will contradict your treatment plan. Thus, know enough to inquire about why something is and isn't being done, but don't lose your mind trying to become a self-trained RE.
2) Remember that you and your husband are ultimately in control of what steps you take. Going to the RE is like getting on a roller coaster and it can be very hard to step off should that point come. They will not help you with this, so you have to stay strong. While you may say certain things are off limits "forever", I don't think that's the sort of thing you can completely hold to until you get to that point in your journey. So, basically, be strong and flexible at the same time in your treatment willingness. Recognize the difference between things you'd rather not do, things that scare you right now and things that are completely out of the question b/c of your moral/religious/ethical convictions...RE's have nothing off the table, but a good one will stretch you while respecting you if that makes sense.
1) Educate yourself to a point. You want to be informed about what tests are looking for and what results mean, but not to the point of insanity and trying to know more than your doc which is really easy to do. So, be educated enough to know when to ask more questions, but not so overly "educated" that you begin to second guess every single thing your doc does. Every RE is a bit different and medicine is an art not a perfect science so you can always find things on google and other's experiences that will contradict your treatment plan. Thus, know enough to inquire about why something is and isn't being done, but don't lose your mind trying to become a self-trained RE.
2) Remember that you and your husband are ultimately in control of what steps you take. Going to the RE is like getting on a roller coaster and it can be very hard to step off should that point come. They will not help you with this, so you have to stay strong. While you may say certain things are off limits "forever", I don't think that's the sort of thing you can completely hold to until you get to that point in your journey. So, basically, be strong and flexible at the same time in your treatment willingness. Recognize the difference between things you'd rather not do, things that scare you right now and things that are completely out of the question b/c of your moral/religious/ethical convictions...RE's have nothing off the table, but a good one will stretch you while respecting you if that makes sense.
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