cerclage fun

Today I got a dil.do cam ultrasound and an ass progesterone shot. No, you didn't miss something. My cerclage placement and high risk of preterm labor (both due to my unicornuate uterus) deems the following things necessary (many of which I wasn't totally informed about when I gave "informed" consent....not that it would have made a difference, but it would have been nice to know up front (maybe??), so I'm putting it here, so if you any of you need one, you'll know what to expect too):

1) Every other weeks ultrasounds. Via vag u/s. That (the u/s location) was a surprise today when I was told to take if off, as last week, they didn't check it that way (last week was done by the doc, this week was done by the u/s tech with no doc in the room). I was told nothing is allowed up there for fear of infection and irritating the cervix, so I'm confused and will be asking why the difference when I do see my doc in two weeks. Anyways, sure, the frequent u/s are sort of reassuring (actually, they are stressful because they break my ability to be ignorantly blissful that all is well...sure they prove that all is well, but at any moment, they could also prove that all is hell too). And, vag u/s normally wouldn't bother me at this point, but they are far more uncomfortable with my current occupant and the current occupant twinged and spasmed for a while afterwards after I got home. Which freaked me the heck out. Yeah, that can't be good. This, too, will be brought up when I see the doc in two weeks.

2) Every week "hip" (read: ass) progesterone shots. Not PIO, but a lower dose, longer acting (thus, weekly) progesterone known as 17P (brand costs $1500/wk...luckily it is still allowed to be compounded since the drug company totally jacked up the price so it's only $25/wk for the compounded variety). Anyways, I produce enough at this point on my own so it isn't replacing it like it has to after IVF retrieval. Instead, it's there to boost the levels just enough to keep the uterus calm and make it able to stretch better in hopes of delaying preterm labor, especially as my risk of loss in the second trimesters is a crazy high 40% due to the kid running out of room in such a smaller living establishment and the natural stretching ability being exceeded to accomodate continued growth.

3) No playtime of any sort. Outside in the form of exercise or inside in the form of bedtime activity. Since I'll likely go into labor in the low to (hopefully) mid 30 week range with the cerclage still in, there will be no time between removal (usually 37 weeks) and delivery (say, 40 weeks) to have some bedtime fun. After a ten month hiatus, should be a fabulous late winter/early spring (and hopefully no sooner b/c sooner means something went pretty not right)! Of course, after the dil.do cam got covered by a con.dom and allowed up there without hesitation, we would both like to know why we can't do the same to DH (not that it was at all comfortable...but anyways).

So there you have it. The cerclage rules (which do vary by doc...medicine is an art guessing game not a science). Happy to oblige, no doubt, just not always a fan of finding these things out during or after the fact. (And I did ask about some of these things...so, for example, while I knew to expect frequent u/s, they failed to mention the type they'd be. It's so not a big deal, my little psyche just was a little surprised and unprepared.)

the varying levels of confidence

So, yesterday, a fb friend announced her pregnancy with this little line: "Sammy will be a big brother in December."

Now, the announcement itself didn't really catch my attention because Sammy (who was unexpected...not in that, been trying for years, holy crap we're knocked up kind of unexpected way, but in that oops...i thought pills prevent not enable....kind of unexpected way) is two, so I sort of figured another might be on the way soon (because that's what fertiles do right?).

Anyways, no, the thing that got my attention was her use of the word "will". Such confidence. He WILL be a big brother. Oh really? My immediate thought was, "That's bold. Shit happens. Good luck with your "will"." Sure that isn't nice, but I said it was my first thought. I didn't actually type it. My next few thoughts were this (ok, still along the same lines). She hasn't reached medical viability yet (does she know about such a milestone?), and of course, medical viability is still no guarantee. Heck, read around the blogs long enough, and even full term isn't a guarantee.

So, back to "will". Sure, most people say that and assume that. Sometimes they assume that because they have to...like this has to be the take home baby because losing yet another one or losing this first one after so much pain and work is just not something their brain can even venture towards without total destruction. Sometimes, though, they assume it will all turn out okay because they know no different. They live in this slice of earth where they and their friends have had easily obtained, easily survived pregnancies with cute, living kiddos on the other end. Their slice of earth no doubt has IF and pregnancy loss, but those people are silent or are not acknowledged. Therefore, they still have the confidence in the goodness of the world and the sweetness of pregnancy to use the word "will" for something we all know to be one of the biggest miracle/luck/illogical happenings in life. Again, friend, good luck with "will". I'll take my "hopefully, maybe, possibly" and my huge load of absolute, fall on my face, gratefulness because I know "will" is not inevitable. And that's ok.

Cerclage survival and coming out post

So, I survived yesterday's cerclage placement. The spinal was not bad at all. Honestly. It hurt less than the IV (which I'm pretty sure she put straight into my forearm muscle). Anyways, the spinal was way more mental. The anesthesiologist talked through the whole thing and I learned that it goes into some fluid that is a few layers away from my spinal cord, using a PIO sized needle (for real). During it, the lidocaine burned a little going in, but the nurse was a good talker so our chat distracted me. Then the actual medicine came next, and I could only feel pressure--like someone poking their finger into your back a bit hard. It was totally tolerable. Seriously.

The cerclage on the other hand...holey moley...that sucker hurt like hell. Yes, that was the point of the spinal, but we're thinking the doc rushed it a bit and it wasn't fully in affect (though all their "ready to go? test" areas were good and numb). So while I felt significant of pulling and tugging, but not needle inserting pain, like I was told to expect, about half way through I became totally distracted from the tugging by the worst deep internal cramping of my life (read: this is not normal...supposedly). Like pick me off the table, yell fuck really loud in the OR cramping. It was far worse than my first HSG ever thought of being (and that was horrible b/c they kept aiming wrong). So, at the last minute in the OR, I was given a dose of two other pain meds because keeping going halfway through stitching was a better idea than quitting, as the stitching part was going well. I wasn't sure if the cramping or the preg safe meds was worse for the kid, but the docs felt the meds route instead of the cramping, screaming, crawling off the table approach was better. Luckily, they were quickly done after that and the actual stitch part went very well. They didn't hit anything other than the cervix they were aiming for and I had next to no bleeding during the procedure. 

Afterwards, they ultrasounded me and the kid. That's when things got (even) scarier for me. Turns out these preg safe drugs they gave me half way through not only made me a little sleepy, they also made the kid a little sleepy. It's HB stayed fine the whole time, but it was moving wayyy less than at our NT scan right after the procedure. Begin complete and utter freak out melt down. The doc tried to reassure me it would wake back up as the very, very low dose of preg safe drugs wore off. I chose to ignore him and his 30 years of high risk pregnancy expertise and continue sobbing that I failed my DH by having such painful cramps and that I failed the kid in not protecting it already. 

They ultrasounded me again about five hours later before I went home (takes the spinal a while to wear off and takes the team a while to get you out of there), and the kid was moving more. Still not as much as at the NT scan in my opinion, but my smart DH said it was a less detailed machine and because it was different view--the NT scan when the kid was seen jumping was from the side so you could see it all, while this u/s was from head down, so jumping would be like the head getting near and farther from the screen--hard to tell for at leaste. We did see legs moving, and again a great HB, so maybe it was jumping and just much harder to tell. The doctors continued to reassure me all was great, all was well, and I am trying to remember that and stay calm. Anyways, a bit of expected red-brown discharge afterwards that has all but stopped today and no cramps since in the OR, and hopefully we are continuing on way to a healthy kiddo. Overall, the entire medical team took exceptional care of me (minus the maybe starting a bit quickly in the OR). I felt listened to, cared for, and hopeful to return in December for delivery. 

Oy. 

Today was also the day I decided to come out on fb too before we visit our former home city and in laws next week and someone does it for me. Thanks so much for your comments the other day on what I planned to write. I wanted to also let you all see another comment that didn't make it to the blog post b/c blogger sometimes sucks, but was so well put and exactly the reason I wanted to put an announcement on fb at all. This comes from the always insightful and sarcastic ~C~ from The Port of Indecision:

"You know, I'm okay with pg announcements on FB. I've said this before on other people's blogs, but I really do think that the refusal to announce becomes its own sort of attention whoring. One person WILL say something, and then everyone will be jumping in with "OMG :: squee!! :: I had NO IDEA, why are you holding back on us" and pretty soon your entire page will be full of people vomiting their pleasure at your pregnancy and how they think you're a naughty girl for not making an announcement. But when you do make the announcement, then everyone just "likes" it and comments right under that post. Smell what I'm steppin' in?

Honestly, I think only the first sentence is even necessary. If people feel they need to block you, they will whether you mention it or not. And your humble phrasing of the announcement itself conveys the fact that you won't go all Fertile Ho about your pregnancy on your FB page."

So, I emailed the very few IF fb friends I know I have (though I suspect I have more, but it's just a guess) to give them warning if they wanted to hide me, and then I posted this (please universe, don't hate me!): After four years of infertility, multiple treatments and a few lost heartbeats, I am grateful and humbled to be a third of the way through pregnancy. 

So, that's all the excitement from my slice of the world for now. And that's really plenty for me!

Into and Out of This World

Tonight, there is a parent praying that her child will be carried out of this world into the next so that the present suffering will end. Somewhere else, there is a parent-to-hopefully-be praying that his future child will be carried into this world tonight so that the future joy can begin. Both prayers and situations are heartbreaking in their own right and their own merit. And both require a massive amount of strength that neither person would really have ever wanted to have developed.

Tonight as I desperately pray for a return of my missing symptoms, on the same day that our triplets were found to be gone, so that we can have peace for another day and someday bring our child into this world, I also stand in shear amazement and utter admiration of a certain mother calmly, yet fiercely, praying for a peaceful journey as her very ill child crosses out of this world and into the next.

faith-based IF support resource

In my years of struggling through infertility, I found various support resources, but very few faith based ones. However, one of those has been a great encouragement to me in the past two years. It's called Stepping Stones and is a ministry branch of Bethany.Services (a big adoption agency). They are a pretty simple resource, as in they don't try to do everything, but instead try to do their few things well. And, in my opinion, they do just that. They publish a free newsletter every other month or so that has articles of the support variety. Not cheesy, christiany crap that leaves you emptily saying in your head, nope, they don't get it. But articles written by other IFers that while they won't promise you a baby at the end of the road, they will encourage you that you will get through your journey, supporting you in whatever that journey looks like now and in the future. It's simple, well done and hits on the major stumbling blocks in an IF'ers year--certain holidays, siblings getting pregnant first, long journeys, lost pregnancies, no pregnancies, journey changing decisions. Along with that, they also offer an online forum by topic. I haven't used it very much, but if you like the forum setting, I felt it was well done. Finally, they also offer a list of faith-based IF books as well as back issues by topic of their newsletter.

So, I just wanted to bring what I've found to be a great encouragement to your attention, as they don't seem to be well known and are difficult to stumble upon. If you're looking for simple faith-based support, I encourage you to check them out at www.ssministry.net .

Hope I'm never your patient again

That's what I said to my wonderful RE today after he said he is moving me on to an ob. We've got a heartbeat (no idea rate b/c he machine is likely from the 70's and just really isn't that cool), but it was beating regularly and looked "beautiful" to him. I called my new high risk ob and got an appt 10 days from now with no yelling at the scheduler to make it sooner needed.

Am I jumping for joy? Yes....and no, sort of...we've been here before, we've seen heartbeats, we've graduated to a high risk ob, only to have the first ob appt show no heartbeats (yeah, that makes you memorable to an ob...hey doc, we had three heartbeats...until you scanned me and now we have none...nice to meet you.) Anyways, regardless, I am cautiously excited, as most infertility veterans would be at this point I think.

I'm just ecstatic to be here today with a heartbeat and a situation that thus far is going worlds better than the previous pregnancy ever went. I guess you can say that given our past experience and our present knowledge about all that can still go wrong, we are holding this very tightly and very loosely at the same time and just happy to be along for the ride.

First requested Honor Donation Blanket Completed!

It took a bit because I had to find a good yarn that was soft enough and washable (my mom's yarn stash is not nearly as soft as I would have liked,), but once I found a soft cotton yarn in tons of colors, I got my sticks a-knitting!

As requested by BleedingTulip at pursuingparenthood (I only put this b/c it was requested through my comment section, versus through an email, so I figured it was sort of public knowledge anyways)....here's the very first requested honor blanket for donation to Forever Warm . The note she requested will also be tied to the blanket before I send it off for the organization to then pass along to hurting parents!

I've got a few others done but they weren't done for anyone specific. So....I'd LOVE another request!! (Actually, I'd LOVE to be flooded with them! Knitting with someone in mind with the colors they choose is far more meaningful and fun to me.) See the top of my sidebar for more about this project and my email to send a request to (or leave it in the comments...whatever you're more comfortable with).