the little voice and the clothes solution

This post may well make you think I need to be locked up...but at least it is giving me something else to focus on while my anxiety level reaches epic proportions as I wait for my procedure on Thursday .

Anyways, as Spud grows, he is naturally outgrowing clothes along the way. What do I do with these? And what about the few maternity clothes I bought (the borrowed ones returned already)? Currently, I have them all boxed up. But they...their mere presence in my home space...is bothering me.

In conjunction with this topic, over the past few weeks, I feel invaded by an unceasing desire for a larger family still. To have our triplets at the end still...just one at a time. And I hate having these feelings. I got one miracle. I don't dare ask for another because I surely didn't deserve the first. But having these clothes around makes me sad that the newborn days are at an end. I loved pregnancy. I loved the newborn weeks. I loved the chance to have both. And yes, I love the dreams of the days ahead, too.

But now it is time to shut the doors of pregnancy and newborn and embrace those days ahead.

But I have these darn clothes. (Yes, I could just get rid of them. But doing that without thinking just isn't that easy--What IF I need them? What IF I don't? And yes, I over-think everything.)

This is like how I had a few baby items stored away for the five years it took to get to the point of getting to use them. A nursery linens set, a onesie, a stuffed lion, and a board book. Always there. Under the bed, in the back of the closet, in a trunk...wherever. But I knew they were always there. Waiting for use. Which made their lack of use taunting at times.

Just as these clothes already feel. And will feel more and more as the babyhood ends months down the road and big boy days enter. Fun in their own way, but different because of how much I love the baby days.

So, in deciding what to do with these clothes, I did what any "logical" infertile (is this an infertile thing? maybe it's just a me thing?) would do. I asked the tiny voice.

What is this tiny voice you ask?

Well....enter my crazy self...early in my pregnancy, when I would get worried about Spud, I would ask, (silently, in my head...surely that cuts down on the level this crazy is), I would ask my growing Spud "Are you okay in there?" And I would feel like I "heard" (again, in my head) this little joyful boy voice answer, "Yes, mama, I'm good. Don't worry about me." And I would calm down. Mind you, this reassurance was based on nothing but some made up voice (and the crazy level goes back up...). But it southed my anxiety. And it was a little boy from very early on, long before we knew the gender.

So, anyways, I asked today (again, not out loud--seemed too much of a burden to question my sweet, living child with, even though, he is obviously far too young to understand), anyways, I asked the little boy voice, "Were there any more (kids) up there, waiting to join our family?" And I clearly felt that he said, "No, mama. Just me. Are you disappointed?" To which, I quickly replied, "No, baby. No way am I disappointed in the least. You are more wonderful than I ever dared to hope for."


And that is why I am giving the clothes away. I cannot not let another moment of his sweet childhood be shared with even a minute (or huge, depending on the day), desire for larger family. And having the clothes around makes this too tempting for me.