I like parenting pressure

Pressure seems to at first have a negative, complaining connotation. But it doesn't have to. Sometimes pressure is a good thing--in the right amounts, it can push someone to be better, do better.

It is the good connotation type of pressure that I feel. And I like it. Meaning, I feel constant, unending, always there in the foreground or slightly in the background, pressure to soak in every second of parenting this little guy. I'd even venture to say pressure to enjoy. Sure, I know, someone of you will say that's unneeded, as I'm "allowed" to not enjoy every moment. But for me, I want to. I don't think I have to be and even should be smiley happy constantly, but I do think for me, I want to feel joy at all times. Both for me and for those not parenting or not parenting yet. So out of honor to them and out of pure selfishness that I will likely only have one sweet baby to parent, I feel a good kind of pressure to stay present, stay connected, stay grateful for each moment, each cry, each diaper, each snuggle, each babble. Because I have moments, cries, diapers, snuggles and babbles to enjoy. Thank God. For reasons I'll never understand. It is that pressure that (hopefully, mostly) keeps me calm and less frustrated during the crying, ecstatic when woken up by a smiling cooing little boy, and just joyful to be along for the ride during the simple common daily moments. Doesn't also work that way mind you, but the pressure is always there.

UU and DES curiosity

Like most uncommon conditions, most people don't know they exist until they have diagnosed with them (or know someone who is). Until I had my HSG done, I had no idea uterine abnormalities even existed. I thought all uteruses were more less the same shape. I knew they could be tilted, but I had no idea they could missing their other half or be divided or have a nonfunctioning bit next to the larger functioning portion. Needless to say, when I go my unicornuate uterus diagnosis, I immediately headed to google because the Ob would did my dye test really only knew it meant a high risk of loss and/or premature labor and almost always an automatic c-section due to a breech presentation. And basically, those are the highlights even once I got to the RE who knew a ton about all the various UA's (and drew each.one.of.them for us during our initial consultation...he was a bit of show off.)

Though I didn't know about my UU until IF entered my life, I've known for a while that I was a DES (drug given from 1938-1971 to help prevent pregnancy loss) granddaughter, but had always heard and been told by my mother (no known problems from it) and former Obs that DES only affected daughters of the DES patients, not the next generation. However, if you google around enough, you'll find whispers about no one really knowing the effect on the granddaugthers of DES patients, as I guess we are in the height of that groups reproductive years, so problems are just now being discovered or not yet faced. (DES Action is staying alert and involved as the years go one to any effect the grandchildren may have to still deal with.)

So, I'm wondering...is my unicornuate uterus, my dimished ovarian reserve diagnosed at 27, my dud of a left ovary that quit ovulating at 28....are those related to the DES my grandmother took coming down through the family tree still?

Furthermore, my question to all of you who read this--are you a granddaughter of a DES patient and what IF problems are you facing? 

be heard-join an IVF study

Yesterday, I had the very enjoyable change to participate in a non-medical IVF study thanks to a posting I saw on LFCA that is open to those about to go thru IVF or who have gone thru IVF in the past five years. This study is being conducted by Jody Madeira from Indiana University. It involves a one hour (ok, mine was two because I'm long winded have a lot of words kinda lonely talk too much thorough) phone interview with a very kind, empathetic, personable person. Basically, she is looking at the topic of informed consent and decision making experience. It really was kind of nice to be discussing parts of my journey beyond just the numbers of eggs retrieved (or not) and the BFN's with someone who was actually interested (versus couldn't care but got stuck listening to me or just morbidly curious because of my freak show past). I got to talk about my experience which gave my battle a bit of purpose and discuss some of my clinical experiences so that hopefully someone can learn from them and improve upon them someday. It was a very positive two hours and I would encourage you to participate if you will be or are an IVF veteran because I know all of you have some very valuable experiences that could add depth to her study...plus, I like to support studies that will be beneficial to anyone else in the IF community.

You can email Jody Madeira directly at jmadeira@indiana.edu . There is an ama.zon gift card available for those that complete the interview and your responses are anonymous and confidential.

Note: If you decide to participate and you mail in your consent and then hear nothing--follow up! She never got mine (it's probably lost in the bowels of the typical university mail system), but I thought I just wasn't "picked" (like my IVF journey that I told her a little about in the email was too much of a train wreck for her to even want to deal with). Wrong--she is not random sampling for those that respond--she is interviewing whomever responds and is eligible. So, follow up with her (luckily, she followed up with me when my consent was never received.).  

newborn diaper covers

When I first decided to try CDing, I knew that I wanted to do it from the first day home (some do it even the hospital, but I don't really remember my days in the hospital thanks to being very drunk on per.co.cet, so I'm glad I didn't push it, plus, I was quite immobile for all but the last 10 hours of my stay.) Anyways, the more I read, the more I learned that yes, newborn CDing is possible, but with the little guy we were expecting to deliver, one sized covers would likely not fit for a little while. In reality, that was more than true. He tipped the scales at 7lbs in the OR with long skinny legs but was down in the 6.5 lbs arena for the first week or two. He in fact is still wearing two of his newborn specific covers and only just in the last two weeks fits satisfactorily in his one size covers (many of which say they start at 7lbs or 9lbs). Anyways, all that to say, I'm glad that I scoured the internet looking for reviews of newborn covers for little legs. However, it took hours, so I'm putting it out here myself. I have no doubt it's other places, but I found it scattered and lots of the reviews I saw are not for newborn specific covers or not for smaller, skinner newborns (because the ones people say work would not have worked for us, as they are just now working).

My favorite newborn covers for for day 5+ for my skinny guy were (ack, "were"...guess he's not truly a newborn anymore!):

1) Mommy's Touch from Green Mountain Diapers (see above): Great for cord dip and still fitting at 11lbs. Not a wipe clean inside, but I did like having something soft touch his brand new skin. Leg elastics were soft and double snaps (next to each other, not on top of each other) helped keep the wings of the front piece from lowering (and thus the leg holes were kept tight).

2) Bummis Super Bright Hook and Loop from Green Mountain Diapers or Nicki's Diapers: Also worked well with cord dip (but my guy did have a long body) and fit till about 9-10lbs. Wipe clean inside and hook and loop made it easy to adjust tightness. Double gussets around legs were great!

3) Rumparooz Newborn (versus their one size) from Nicki's Diapers: Great for cord dip because of elastic front edge that held front down a bit. Two snaps are on top of each other, so waist and legs can have different tightness. Still fitting at 11lbs on middle rise and last or next to last set of snaps. Wipe clean inside and little more flexible (less stiff) than Bummis. Also, love that leg elastic is not white, as EBF poop does stain a bit, and double gussets are great too! Moving into their one size and still loving them--using the hook and loop which Nicki's also carries. Again, love that they have lots of colors and a few prints, but all have colored leg elastics, so I think they'll stay nicer looking longer, which is a good thing for a one size cover!

4) Bummis Super Lite Hook and Loop from Nicki's Diapers: This cover fit well, was easy to adjust and the wider leg elastic was soft, as was the whole cover. That said, the leg elastics would wick a little easier than to other covers so I had to stay on top of changing this was regularly. Honestly, though, I really only bought this cover because it was the only red, newborn sized one I could find (rumparooz was out of stock), and I wanted red for Christmas pictures! But, it turned out to be a great fitting cover!

5) Bummis Original: I did not like this cover. It fit well, dipped below the cord...but had sharp cornered hook and loop taps and got ridiculously messy each time the kid pooped. It just didn't hold the prefold in place at all and was too flimsy to keep the mess in well at all. Maybe out guy has too flat a bum, I don't know. However...this cover served one great purpose--newborn pictures. We took pictures with just a diaper on and having a white cover was perfect! I saw pictures of newborns in disposables, and I'm sorry, but having a slight fluffier butt with a smooth texture was definitely what I prefered. Now, if you have a girl, you can just put a cut little whatever you call it on her...but for a boy, well, this is a great option for diaper-only pictures. I'm so glad I had this in our stash on picture day!

Lots of people I read love the prowrap and litewrap. I bought four litewraps. And they didn't fit until this week using his crazy bulky nighttime combination. I tried him in them early on and it was a mess because they just didn't get tight enough around him in any direction! Also, some have found great success from day one with Thirsties Duo 1. I have one, and I love it, but it didn't start fitting until about 9-10lbs. These options might work great for some and they are probably the ones who can skip the newborn specific covers all together. However, without our newborn covers, I wouldn't have been able to CD from the start or would have gotten so discouraged with leaks from too-big covers.

thank you

to whomever submitted the news of the safe arrival of our little guy to LFCA...thank you...that meant a lot to me that you'd both to take the time to do that. goodness knows, we've all dreamed of seeing our blog mentioned in that section, so it was a wonderful, meaningful surprise to see mine pop up there!

New Year's Eve came a wee bit early

After contractions went from BH to real and forced the removal of my cerclage on Monday, my twitchy uterus progressed into real labor instead of calming down. So my scheduled csection for yesterday was moved up to Monday night.

Our healthy baby boy arrived safe and sound only 12 days early, weighing in at just over 7 lbs., and is deemed full term. We are all home now trying to figure out things out. The boxes from baby stuff we've ordered over the last few months have finally been thrown away- the fear of needing to return them gone, the last sharps container left with the LandD nurse, and the chapters of the book beyond pregnancy stages are hurridly being read.

This UU will never understand why she has been allowed to be so lucky.

the anxious root

Thanks for your encouragement on my last post. I know it likely probably definitely came across kinda bratty. This one might too.

I think the root of the problem is somewhat about my mother but is really about my extreme anxiety over delivery (c-section or pushing...either freaks me out) and actually having our take home baby. I still can't imagine it as I stare at the crib each night. I'm terrified it will come home with us and terrified it won't. I never imagined getting and staying pregnant, let alone living in a tiny apartment without a nursery, in a city where we know not a soul. It frightens me that I have no experience with babies and no one to call for help with said baby. I've looked into a postpartum doula and a child caring class though should I get to that completely overwhelmed, huddling mass in the corner stage (or maybe right before that).

But I'm still incredibly anxious and terrified about it all. From the hospital door to the apartment door.

People keep talking about having a birth plan. Turns out, all my choices and decisions have been made for me with this c-section. That is really depowering/unempowering (whatever the opposite is of empowering) during such a private, vulnerable, scary time. The date isn't arguable (my doctor only works in the OR one a day a week and he won't do the week before). The hospital policies are set (baby goes to the warming table immediately after delivery then to the nursery for an hour or so. The OR is too cold (verified during cerclage placement) to differ from that plan.). The catheter (I really really don't want someone so closely staring and touching me there) is nonnegotiable and will be left in 24 hours because of the pain meds being administered.

So, I'm literally just along for the ride. And for a control freak who has already lost almost completely control over any aspect of this experience, that is frightening and overwhelming.

Not to mention that I just don't do surgery. I know that I can survive the epidural/spinal at least, so that's a bit comforting. I know that the medical team is good and caring (on the whole from what I've experience my four times visiting L&D).

But I don't do anticipation well. At all.

Instead of setting an end date, I would have rather just gone along until one day the doctor calls and says, today's the day, come on in. But, that's impossible, so I need to do the distraction thing again as was suggested in your lovely comments. I was doing that pretty well with knitting and kiddo related research until about a week or so ago. We have what we need for the kiddo and I can't focus my brain long enough to knit anymore (concerning, eh?). My mind just races in half complete thoughts like a jumble of words. Today though, I am trying to distract with baking.

And I know that at the end of the day, none of this will matter. So what if I'm unempowered, embarrassed and fumbling diapers with all our family gathered around telling me I'm doing it wrong and it's all about their needs...I'm not far gone to realize this is the best, most wanted problem of my life. Now if I could just calm my brain down until we get to that point.